' 


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LIBRARY 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 


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ARTEMUS  WARD,      " 

ei  I  s     B  o  o  js: 


Mr.  Ward  delivering  his  great  Union  SrEEcn.     \S€e  Page 
209.) 


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V JbCci.Jt-V_a^.       t 


1^34.-^(2^7 


Kit  MO® 


WITH   MANY   COMIC   ILLUSTRATIONS. 


« 


Franca 

■M- 

{Bit 


Entered  According  to  Act  of  Congress  in  the  year  1862,  by 

CHABLES  F.  BRO^VN, 

In  the  CIerk'8  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  Southern  District  of 

New  York 


jttDcrolt  Libruy 


C0 

CHARLES  W.  COE,  Esq., 

OF   CLEVELAND,   OHIO, 
(A  aPrlena  all  tlie  Year  Hoxind 


CONTENTS. 


Paoi 
ONE   OP  MR.   "WAKd's   BUSINESS   LETTERS     .  .      17 

THE    SHAKERS  .  .  .  ...  20 

HIGH-HANDED    OUTRAGE   AT   UTICA       •  •  .34 

THE    ATLANTIC   CABLE      .....  36 

AMONG   THE    SPIRITS   .  .  .  .  .  .41 

ON   THE   WING  .  .  .  .  .  .  49 

THE    OCTOROON   .....••      54 

EXPERIENCE    AS   AN   EDITOR     ....  62 

OBERLIN        . 64 

THE    showman's   COURTSHIP    ....  69 

THE    CRISIS        .......  74 

WAX   FIGURES    VS.    SHAKSPEARE  .  .  .82 

VMONG    THE    FREE    LOVERS      .  .  .  .  86 

SCANDALOUS   DOINGS    AT   PITTSBURG  .  .  .91 

A  VISIT   TO   BRIGHAM   YOUNG.  ...  95 

THE    CENSUS 103 

AN   HONEST  LIVING 106 

THE   PRESS  .  .  .  ....  .   107 

EDWIN   FORREST   AS    OTHELLO  .  .  .         Ill 

THE    SHOW  BUSINESS   AND   POPULAR  LECTURES     117 
woman's    RIGHTS     .  .  .  .  .  .         119 

WOULD-BE   SEA  DOGS 123 

ON   "FORTS." 124 


CONTENTS. 


PICCOLo:^^N^        .        •        .        • 

LITTLE    PATTI 

MOSES    TILE    SASSY        .  •  .  • 

TOE    niLN^CE    OF    WALES  .  •  •  . 

OSSAWATOMIE    BROWN  .  .  . 

JOY   IN   THE    HOUSE    OF   WARD  • 

:ilUISE    OF    THE    POLLY    ANN 
INTERVIEW    WITH    PRESIDENT    LINCOLN. 
THE    SHOW    IS    CONFISCATED 
THRILLING    SCENES    IN   DIXIE. 
FOURTH    OF    JULY    ORATION 
THE    WAR    FEVER    IN    BALDINSVILLE 
mXEHVlEW    WITH  PRINCE    NAPOLEON 


130 

135 
Ul 
14 

157 
163 
170 
176 
189 
198 
20^ 
217 
223 


MISCELLANEOUS. 

MAPwTON  : A  ROMANCE  OF  THE  FRENCH  SCHOOL  235 

LETTER  FROM  A  GORY  MEMBER  OF  THE  HOME 

GUARD 241 

EAST    SIDE    THEATRICALS        .  •  .  .  244 

SOLILOQUY    OF    A    LOW    THIEF  ....  250 

SURRENDER    OF    CORNWALLIS  .  .  .  253 

THE    WIFE  ...,,•..  261 

A.   JUVENILE    COMPOSITION      .  .  •  263 

A.   POEM   BY    THE   SAME      ...  .  264 


Kew  England  Rum,  and  its  Effects.    {See  Page  211^ 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS. 


FRONTISPIECE  — ARTEMUS  WARD  FOR  THE  UNION         4 
NEW  ENGLiVND  RUM 11 


THE  SHAXERS 

"  ON  THE  WING." 

THE  CRISIS - 

VISIT  TO  BRIG  HAM  YOUNG        .        .        . 
EDWIN  FORREST  AS  OTHELLO 

ON  "FORTS." 

MOSES  THE  SASSY    .        .        . 
JOY  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  WARD   . 
INTERVIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN 
THE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATED 
PICCOLOMINI,  A  CHILD  OF  THE  REGIMENT 
THE  WAR  FEVER  IN  BALDINSVILLE 
MEMBER  OF  THE  HOME  GUARD     . 


22 

48 
76 
94 
110 
126 
140 
162 
178 
188 
208 
216 
240 


EAST  SIDE  THEATRICALS 248 


At  the  Door  of  the  Tenl 

Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  the  Show  is  about  to 
commence.  You  could  not  well  expect  to  go  in 
without  paying,  but  you  may  pay  without  gomg 
in.     I  can  say  no  fairer  than  that. 


ARTEMUS     WARD 


ONE  OF  IMH.  WARD'S  BUSINESS  LETTERS. 


To  the  Editor  of  the 

Sir  —  I'm  movin  along  —  slowly  along  —  down 
tords  your  place.  I  want  you  should  rite  me  a 
letter,  sayin  how  is  the  show  bizniss  in  your  place. 
My  show  at  present  consists  of  three  moral  Bares,  a 
Kangaroo  (a  amoozin  little  Raskal  —  t' would  make 
you  larf  yerself  to  deth  to  see  the  little  cuss  jump 
up  and  squeal)  wax  figgers  of  G.  Washington  Gen. 
Tayler  John  Bunyan  Capt.  Kidd  and  Dr.  Webster 
in  the  act  of  kiliin  Dr.  Parkman,  besides  several 
miscellanyus  moral  wax  statoots  of  celebrated  piruts 
k    murderers,    &c.j   ekalled  by  few  &  exceld  by 


18        ONE   OF   MB.  WARD'S  BUSINESS  LETTERS. 

none.  Now  Mr.  Editor,  scratch  orf  a  few  lines 
sayin  how  is  the  show  bizniss  down  to  your  place. 
I  shall  hav  my  hanhills  dun  at  your  offiss.  Depend 
upon  it.  I  want  you  should  git  my  hanbills  up  in 
flamin  stile.  Also  git  up  a  tremenjus  excitemunt 
in  yr.  paper  'bowt  my  onparaleld  Show.  We  must 
fetch  the  public  sumhow.  We  must  wurk  on  their 
fcelins.  Cum  the  moral  on  'em  strong.  If  it's  a 
temprance  community  tell  'em  I  sined  the  pledge  fif- 
teen minits  arter  Ise  borUj  but  on  the  contery  ef  your 
peple  take  their  tods,  say  Mister  Ward  is  as  Jenial 
a  feller  as  we  ever  met,  full  of  conviviality,  &  the 
life  an  sole  of  the  Soshul  Bored.  Take, don't  you? 
If  you  say  anythin  abowt  my  show  say  my  snaiks  is 
as  harmliss  as  the  ne^"  born  Babe.  What  a  inter- 
estin  study  it  is  to  see  a  zewological  animil  like  a 
snaik  under  perfeck  subjecshunl  My  kangaroo  is 
the  most  larfable  little  cuss  I  ever  saw.  All  for  15 
cents.  I  am  anxyus  to  skewer  your  infloounce.  I 
repeet  in  regard  to  them  hanbills  that  I  shall  git 
'em  struck  orf  up  to  your  printin  ofl&ce.  My 
peril  tercal  sentiments  agree  with  yourn  exackly.     ] 


ONE  OF  MR.  WARD'S  BUSINESS  LETTERS.         19 

know  thay  do,  becawz  I  never  saw  a  man  whooa 
didn't. 

Respectively  ynres, 

A.  Ward. 
P.  S.  —  You  scratch  my  back  &  He  scratch  your 
back. 


ii« 


THE  SHAKERS. 

The  Shakers  is  the  strangest  jeligious  sex  I  ever 
met.  I'd  hearn  tell  of  'em  and  I'd  seen  'em,  with 
their  broad  brim'd  hats  and  long  wastid  coats ;  but 
I'd  never  cum  into  immcjit  contack  with  'em,  and 
I'd  sot  'em  down  as  lackin  intelleck,  as  I'd  never 
seen  'em  to  my  Show  —  leastways,  if  they  cum 
they  was  disgised  in  white  peple's  close,  so  I  didn't 
know  'em. 

But  in  the  Spring  of  18  — ,  I  got  swampt  in  the 
exterior  of  New  York  State,  one  dark  and  stormy 
night,  when  the  winds  Blue  pityusly,  and  I  was 
forced  to  tie  up  with  the  Shakers. 

I  was  toilin  threw  the  mud,  when  in  the  dim 
vister  of  the  futer  I  obsarved  the  gleams  of  a  taller 
candle.  Tiein  a  hornet's  nest  to  my  off  boss's  tail 
to  kinder  encourage  him,  I  soon  reached  the  place 


Artemus   among    the  Shakers.     "  Yay,"  they  sed,  and  t 
yay'd.     [See  Page  28.] 


THE  SHAKERS.  23 

I  knockt  at  the  door,  which  it  was  opened  unto  mo 
by  a  tall,  slick-faced,  solum  lookin  individooal,  who 
turn'd  out  to  be  a  Elder. 

*'  Mr.  Shaker,"  sed  I,  "  you  see  before  you  a 
Babe  in  the  Woods,  so  to  speak,  and  he  axes  shelter 
of  you." 

'•  Yay,"  sed  the  Shaker,  arid  Ife  led  the  way  into 
the  house,  another  Shaker  bein  sent  to  put  my 
bosses  and  waggin  under  kirver. 

A  solum  female,  lookin  sumwhat  like  a  last  year's 
bean-pole  stuck  into  a  long  meal  bag,  cum  in  and 
axed  me  was  I  athurst  and  did  I  hunger  ?  to  which 
I  urbanely  anserd  "  a  few."  She  went  orf  and  I 
endeverd  to  open  a  conversashun  with  the  old  man. 

"Elder,  I.spect?"  sed  I. 

"  Yay,"  he  sed. 

"Helth's  good,  I  reckon?" 

"  Yay." 

"  What's  the  wages  of  a  Elder,  when  he  under- 
stans  his  bizness  —  or  do  you  devote  your  sarvices 
gratooitus?" 

''  Yay." 


24  fHE  SHAKEKS. 

"  Stormy  night,  sir." 

"Yay." 

"  If  the  storm  continners  there'll  be  a  mesa 
underfoot,  hay?"  * 

*'Yay."  ^ 

"It's  onpleasant  when  there's  a  mess  under- 
foot?" 

"Yay." 

"  K  I  may  be  so  bold,  kind  sir,  what's  the  price 
of  that  pecooler  kind  of  weskit  you  wear,  incloodin 
trimmins  ?  " 

"Yay!" 

I  pawsd  a  minit,  and  then,  thinkin  I'd  be  faseshus 
with  him  and  see  how  that  would  go,  I  slapt  him  on 
the  shoulder,  bust  into  a  harty  larf,  and  told  him 
that  as  a  yayer  he  had  no  livin  ekal. 

He  jumpt  up  as  if  Bilin  water  had  bin  squirted 
into  his  ears,  groaned,  rolled  his  eyes  up  tords  the 
sealin  and  sed:  "  You're  a  man  of  sin !  "  He  then 
walkt  out  of  the  room. 

Jest  then  the  female  in  the  meal  bag  stuck  her 
hcd  into  the  room  and  statid  that  refreshments 


THE  SHAKERS.  26 

awaited  the  weary  travler,  and  I  sed  if  it  was  vittles 
slie  ment  the  weary  travler  was  agreeable,  and  I 
follered  lier  into  the  next  room. 

I  sot  down  to  the  table  and  the  female  in  the 
meal  bag  pored  out  sum  tea.  She  sed  nothin,  and 
for  five  minutes  the  only  live  thing  in  that  room 
was  a  old  wooden  clock,  which  tickt  in  a  subdood 
and  bashful  manner  in  the  corner.  This  dethly 
stillness  made  me  oneasy,  and  I  determined  to  talk 
to  the  female  or  bust.  So  sez  I,  "  marrige  is  agin 
your  rules,  I  bleeve,  marm  ?  " 

^'Yay." 

"  The  sexes  liv  strickly  apart,  I  spect  ?  " 

"  Yay."     - 

"  It's  kinder  singler,"  sez  I,  puttin  on  my  most 
sweietest  look  and  speakin  in  a  winnin  voice,  "  that 
so  fair  a  made  as  thou  never  got  hitched  to  some 
likely  feller."  [N.  B.  —  She  was  upards  of  40 
and  homely  as  a  stump  fence,  but  I  thawt  I'd  tickil 
her.] 

"  I  don't  like  men  !  "  she  sed,  very  short. 

'*WalL  I  dunno,".  sez' I,   "they're   a   raythei 


26  THE  SHAKERS. 

important  part  of  the  populashun.  I  don't  scacely 
seeiiow  we  could  git  along  Avithout  'em." 

"  Us  poor  wimin  folks  would  git  along  a  grate 
deal  better      there  was  no  men  !  " 

'*  You'll  excocs  me,  Qiarm,  but  I  dont  think  that 
air  would  work.     It  wouldn't  be  regler." 

"  I'm  fraid  of  men  ! ''  she  sed. 

"  That's  onnecessarj,  marm.  You  ain't  in  no 
danger.     Don't  fret  yourself  on  that  pint." 

"  Here  we're  shot  out  from  the  sinful  world. 
Here  all  is  peas.  Here  we  air  brothers  and  sisters. 
We  don't  marry  and  consekently  we  hav  no  domes- 
tic diflSculties.  Husbans  don't  abooze  their  wives  — 
wives  don't  worrit  their  husbans.  There's  no  chil- 
dren here  to  worrit  us..  Nothin  to  worrit  us  here. 
No  wicked  matrimony  here.  Would  thow  like  to 
be  a  Shaker?"  ,     ♦ 

"  No,"  sez  I,  ''  it  ain't  my  stile." 

I  had  now  histed  in  as  big  a  load  of  pervishuns 
as  I  could  carry  comfortable,  and,  leanin  back  in  my 
cheer,  commenst  pickin  my  teeth  with  a  fork.  The 
female  went  out,  Icavin  me  all  alone  with  the  clock 


THE  SHAKERS.  27 

I  hadn't  sot  thar  long  before  the  Elder  poked  his 
hcd  in  at  the  door.  "You're  a  man  of  sin!"  he 
sod,  and  groaned  and  went  away. 

Direckly  thar  cum  in  two  young  Shakeresses,  as 
putty  and  slick  lookin  gals  as  I  ever  met.  It  is 
troo  they  was  drest  in  meal  bags  like  the  old  one 
I'd  met  prcvisly,  and  their  shiny,  silky  har  was  hid 
from  sight  by  long  white  caps,  sich  as  I  spose  female 
Josts  wear;  but  their  eyes  sparkled  like  diminds, 
their  cheeks  was  like  roses,  and  they  was  charmin 
cnufF  to  make  a  man  throw  stuns  at  his  granmother 
if  they  axed  him  to.  They  commenst  clearin  away 
the  dishes,  castin  shy  glances  at  me  all  the  time.  I 
got  excited.  I  forgot  Betsy  Jane  in  my  rapter, 
and  sez  I,  "  my  pretty  dears,  how  air  you  ?  " 

"  We  air  well,"  they  solumly  sed. 

"  Whar's  the  old  man  ?"  sed  I,  in  a  soft  voice. 

"  Of  whom  dost  thow  speak  —  Brother  Uriah  ?  '^ 

"  I  mean  the  gay  and  festiv  cuss  who  calls  me  a 
man  of  sin.  Shouldn't  wonder  if  his  name  was 
Uriah." 

"  He  has  retired." 


28  THE  SHAKERS 

"  Wall,  mj  pretty  dears/' sez  I,  '*  let's  hav  sum 
Tun.     Let's  play  puss  in  the  corner.     What  say  ?  *' 

"  Air  you  a  Shaker,  sir  ?  "  they  axed. 
"  Wall^  my  pretty  dears,  I  haven't  arrayed  my 
proud  form  in  a  long  weskit  yit,  but  if  they  was  all 
like  you  perhaps  I'd  jine  'em      As  it  is,   I'm  a 
Shaker  pro-temporary." 

They  was  full  of  fun.  I  seed  that  at  fust,  only 
they  was  a  lee'tle  skeery.  I  tawt  'em  Puss  in  the 
corner  and  sich  like  plase,  and  we  had  a  nice  time, 
keepin  quiet  of  course  so  the  old  man  shouldn't 
hear.  When  we  broke  up,sez  I,  "  my  pretty  dears, 
ear  I  go  you  hav  no  objections,  hav  you,  to  a  inner- 
sent  kiss  at  partin  ?  " 

"  Yay,"  thay  sed,  and  I  ya]fd, 

I  went  up  stairs  to  bed.  I  spose  I'd  bin  snoozin 
half  a  hour  when  I  was  woke  up  by  a  noise  at  the 
door.  I  sot  up  |n  bed,  leanin  on  my  elbers  and 
rubbin  my  eyes,  and  I  saw  the  foUerin  picter  :  The 
Elder  stood  in  the  doorway,  with  a  taller  candle  in 
his  hand.  He  hadn't  no  wearin  appeerel  on  except 
his  night  close,  which  flutterd  in  the  breeze  like  a 


THE  SHAKERS.  2t 

Seseshun    flag.      He    sed,    "You're   a  man    of 
sin  !  "  then  groaned  and  went  away. 

I  went  to  sleep  agin,  and  drempt  of  runnin  orf 
with  the  pretty  little  Shakeresses,  mounted  on  m^ 
Californy  Bar.  I  thawt  the  Bar  insisted  on  steerin 
strate  for  my  dooryard  in  Baldinsville  and  that 
Betsy  Jane  cum  out  and  giv  us  a  warm  recepshun 
wit] I  a  panfull  of  Bilin  water.  I  was  woke  up  arly 
by  the  Elder.  He  sed  refreshments  was  reddy  for 
me  down  stairs."  Then  sayin  I  was  a  man  of  sin, 
he  went  groanin  away. 

As  I  was  goin  threw  the  entry  to  the  room  where 
the  vittles  was,  I  cum  across  the  Elder  and  the  old 
female  I'd  met  the  night  before,  and  what  d'ye 
spose  they  was  up  to?  Huggin  and  kissin  like 
young  lovers  in  their  gushingist  state.  Sez  I,  ''  my 
Shaker  frends,  I  reckon  you'd  better  suspend 'the 
rules,  and  git  marrid  !  " 

"  You  must  excoos  Brother  Uriah,"  sed  the 
female;  "  he's  subjeck  to  fits  and  hain't  got  no 
command  over  hisself  when  he's  into  'em." 

*'  Sartinly,"  sez  I,  "I've  bin  took  that  way 
myself  frequent."  3 


10  THE  SHAKEKS. 

"  You're  a  man  of  sin  !  "  sed  the  Elder. 

Arter  breakfust  my  little  Shaker  frends  ci^m  in 
Bgin  to  clear  away  the  dishes. 

"  My  pretty  dears,"  sez  I,  ^'  shaK  we  yay  agin? 

"  Nay,"  they  sed,  and  I  naifd. 

The  Shakers  axed  me  to  go  to  their  meetin,  as 
they  was  to  hav  sarvices  that  mornin,  so  I  put  on  a 
clean  biled  rag  and  went.  The  meetin  house  was 
as  neat  as  a  pin.  The  floor  was  white  as  chalk  and 
smooth  as  glass.  The  Shakers  was  alL.pn  hand,  in 
clean  weskits  and  meal  bags,  ranged  on  the  floor 
like  milingtery  companies,  the  mails  on  one  side  of 
the  room  and  the  females  on  tother.  They  com- 
menst  clappin  their  hands  and  singin  and  dancin. 
They  danced  kinder  slow  at  fust,  but  as  they  got 
warmed  up  they  shaved  it  down  very  brisk,  I  tell 
you.  Elder  Uriah,  in  particler,  exhiberted  a  right 
smart  chance  of  spryness  in  his  legs,  considerin  his 
time  of  life,  and  as  he  cum  a  dubble  shuflle  near 
where  I  sot,  I  rewarded  him  with  a  approvin  smile 
and  sed:  "HunkyboyI  Go  it,  my  gay  and  festiv 
eussr' 


THE  SHAKERS.  81 

'*  You're  a  man  of  sin !  -'  he  sed,  continnerin  his 
Bliuffle. 

The  Sperret,  as  they  called  it,  then  moved  ai 
short  fat  Shaker  to  say  a  few  remarks.  He  sed 
they  was  Shakers  and  all  was  ekal.  They  was  the 
purest  arid  seleckest  peple  on  the  yearth.  Other 
peple  was  sinful  as  they  could  be,  but  Shakers  was 
all  right.  Shakers  was  all  goin  kerslap  to  the 
Promist  Land,  and  nobody  want  goin  to  stand  at 
the  gate  to  bar  'em  out,  if  they  did  they'd  git  run 
over. 

The  Shakers  then  danced  and  sung  agin,  and  arter 
they  was  threw,  one  of  'em  axed  me  what  I  thawt 
of  it. 

Sez  I,  "  What  duz  it  siggerfy  ?  " 

*'What?"  sez  he. 

"  Why  this  jumpin  up  and  sin  gin  ?  This  long 
weskit  bizniss,  and  this  anty-matrimony  idee  ?  My 
frends,  you  air  nea-t  and  tidy.  Your  lands  is  flowin 
with  milk  and  honey.  Your  brooms  is  fine,  and 
your  apple  sass  is  honest.  When  a  man  buys  a 
kag  of  apple  sass  of  you  he  don't  find  a  grate  many 


52'  THE  SHAKERS. 

fihavins  under  a  few  layers  of  sass  —  a  little  Game 
I'm  sorry  to  say  sum  of  my  New  Englan  ancestera 
used  to  practiss.  Your  garding  seeds  is  fine,  and  if 
I  should  sow  'em  on  the  rock  of  Gibralter  probly  1 
should  raise  a  good  mess  of  garding  sass.  You  air 
honest  in  your  "^ealins.  You  air  quiet  and  don't 
distarb  nobody.  For  all  this  I  givs  you  credit. 
But  your  religion  is  small  pertaters,  I  must  say. 
You  mope  away  your  lives  fiere  in  single 
retchidness,  and  as  you  air  all  by  yourselves  noth- 
ing ever  conflicks  with  your  pecooler  idees,  ex- 
cept when  Human  Nater  busts  out  among  you,  as 
I  understan  she  sumtiraes  do.  [I  giv  Uriah  a  sly 
wink  here,  which  made  the  old  feller  squirm  like  a 
speared  Eel.]  You  wear  long  weskits  and  long 
faces,  and  lead  a  gloomy  life  indeed.  No  children's 
prattle  is  ever,hearn  around  your  harthstuns  —  you 
air  in  a  dreary  fog  all  the  time,  and  you  treat  the 
jolly  sunshine  of  life  as  tho'  it  was  a  thief,  drivin  it 
from  your  doors  by  them  weskits,  and  meal  bags.. 
and  pecooler  noshuns  of  yourn.  The  gals  among 
you,  sum  of  which  air  as  slick  pieces  of  caliker  aa 


THE  SHAKERS.  8$ 

J[  ever  sot  eyes  on,  air  syin  to  place  their  beds  agin 
weskits  which  kiver  honest,  manlj  h^rts,  while  yon 
old  heds  fool  yerselves  with  the  idee  that  they  air 
fulfillin  their  mishun  here,  and  air  contented.  Here 
you  air,  all  pend  up  by  yerselves,  talkin  about  the 
sins  of  a  world  you  don't  know  nothin  of  IMean- 
while  said  world  continners  to  resolve  round  on  hei 
own  axeltree  onct  in  every  24  hours,  subjeck  to  the 
Constitution  of  the  United  States,  and  is  a  very 
plesant  place  of  residence.  It's  a  unnatral,  on- 
reasonable  and  dismal  life  you're  leadin  here.  So 
it  strikes  me.  My  Shaker  frends,  I  now  bid  you  a 
welcome  adoo.  You  hav  treated  me  exceedin  well. 
Thank  you  kindly,  one  and  all. 

"  A  base  exhibitor  of  depraved  monkeys  and 
onpnncipled  wax  works  !  "  sed  Uriah. 

"Hello,  Uriah,"  sez  I,  *' I'd  most  forgot  you. 
Wall,  look  out  for  them  fits  of  yourn,  and  don't 
catch  cold  and  die  in  the  flour  of  your  youth  and 
beauty." 

And  I  resoomed  my  jerney.  « 


3« 


HIGH-HANDED  OUTRAGE  AT   UTICA. 

In  the  Faul  of  1856,  I  showed  my  show  in 
Utiky,  a  trooly  grate  sitty  in  the  State  of  New 
York.  ^ 

The  people  gave  me  a  cordyal  recepshun.  The 
press  was  loud  in  her  prases. 

1  day  as  I  was  givin  a  descripshun  of  my  Beests 
and  Snaiks  in  my  usual  flowry  stile  what  was  my 
skorn  &  disgust  to  see  a  big  burly  feller  walk  up  to 
the  cage  containin  my  wax  figgers  of  the  Lord's 
Last  Supper,  and  cease  Judas  Iscarrot  by  the  feet 
and  drag  him  out  on  the  ground.  He  then  com- 
menced fur  to  pound  him  as  hard  as  he  cood. 

"  What  under  the  son  are  you  abowt  ?  '*  cried  L 

■a 

Sez  he,  "  What  did  you  bring  this  pussy lanermua 
cuss  here  fur  ?  "  &  he  hit  the  wax  figger  another 
tremcnjis  blow  on  the  bed. 


HIGH-HANDED   OUTRAGE  AT   mtcA  35 

Se2  I,  ''  You  egrejus  ass^  that  air's  a  wax  figger 
—  a  representashun  of  the  false  Tostle." 

Sez  he,  "  That's  all  very  well  fur  you  to  say 
but  I  tell  you,  old  man,  that  Judas  Iscarrot  can't 
show  hisself  in  Utiky  with  impunerty  by  a  darn 
site  !  "  with  which  observashun  he  kaved  in  Judassis 
hed.  The  young  man  belonged  to  1  of  the  first 
famerlies  in  Utiky.  I  sood  him,  and  the  Joory 
brawt  in  a  verdick  of  Arson  in  the  3d  deo;ree. 


CELEBRATION   AT  BALDINSVILLE  IN  HON 
OR  OF  THE  ATLANTIC  CABLE. 

Baldinsville,  Injianny,  Sep  the  onct,  18&58. —  1 
was  summund  home  from  Cinsinnaty  quite  suddin 
bj  a  lettur  from  the  Supervizers  of  Baldinsville, 
sajin  as  how  grate  things  was  on  the  Tappis  in  that 
air  town  in  refferunse  to  sellebratin  the  compleshun 
of  the  Sub-Mershine  Tellergraph  &  axkin  me  to  be 
Pressunt.  Lockin  up  my  Kangeroo  and  wax  wurks 
in  a  sekure  stile  I  took  my  departer  for  Baldins- 
ville—  "  my  own,  my  nativ  Ian,"  which  I  gut  in- 
two  at  early  kandle  litin  on  the  follerin  night  &  just 
as  the  sellerbrashun  and  illumernashun  ware  com- 
mensin. 

Baldinsville  was  trooly  in  a  blaze  of  glory. 
Near  can  I  forgit  the  surblime  speckticul  which  met 
my  gase  as  I  alited  from  the  Staige  with  zaj  umbrel- 


CELEBRATION  AT  BALDINSVILLE.  87 

ler  and  verlise.  The  Tarvern  was  lit  up  with  taller 
kandles  all  over  &  a  grate  bon  fire  was  burnin  in 
frunt  thareof.  A  Transpirancy  was  tied  onto  the 
sine  post  with  the  follerin  wards  —  "  Giv  us  Liber- 
ty or  Deth.'^  Old  Tompkinsis  grosery  was  illumer- 
nated  with  5  tin  lantun*  and  the  follerin  Transpi- 
rancy was  in  the  winder —  ''  The  Sub-Mershine 
Tellergraph  &  the  Baldinsville  and  Stonefield  Plank 
Road  —  the  2  grate  eventz  of  the  19th  centerry  — 
may  intestines  strife  never  mar  their  grandjure." 
Simpkinsis  shoe  shop  was  all  ablase  with  kandles  and 
lantuns.  A  American  Eagle  was  painted  onto  a  flag 
in  a  winder  —  also  these  wards,  viz — "The  Con- 
stitooshun  must  be  Presarved."  The  Skool  house 
was  lited  up  in  grate  stile  and  the  winders  was  filld 
with  mottoes  amung  which  I  notised  the  follerin  — 
*'  Trooth  smashed  to  erth  shall  rize  agin —  you  can't 
STOP  HER."  "The  Boy  stood  on  the  Barnin  Deck 
whense  awl  bat  him  had  Fled."  "  Prokrastinashun 
is  the  theaf  of  Time."  "  Be  virtoous  &  you  will  be 
Happy."  "  Intemperunse  has  cawsed  a  heap  of 
trubble  — shan  the  Bo'.e,"  an  the  follerin  sentimunt 


88  CELERRATION  AT  BALDINSVILLE. 

written  by  the  skool  master,  who  graduated  at  Hud- 
eon  Kollige.  "  Baldinsville  sends  greetin  to  Her 
Magistj  the  Queen,  &  hopes  all  hard  feelins  which 
has  heretofore  pre  vis  bin  felt  between  the  Supervi- 
zers  of  Baldinsville  and  the  British  Parlimunt,  if 
such  there  has  been,  may  now  be  forever  wiped  frum 
our  Escutchuns.  Baldinsville  this  night  rejoisea 
over  the  gerlorious  event  which  sementz  2  grate  na- 
shuns  onto  one  anuther  by  means  of  a  clecktric  wire 
under  the  roarin  billers  of  the  Nasty  Deep.     Quos- 

QUE  TANTRUM,  A  BUTTER,  CaTERLINY,  PATENT  NOS- 
TRUM !  "  Squire  Smithes  house  was  lited  up  re- 
gardlis  of  expense.  His  little  sun  WUliam  Henry 
stood  upon  the  roof  firin  orf  crackers.  The  old 
'Squire  hisself  was  dressed  up  in  soljer  clothes  and 
stood  on  his  door-step,  pintin  his  sword  sollumly  to  a 
American  flag  which  was  suspendid  on  top  of  a  pole 
in  frunt  of  his  house.  Frequiently  he  wood  take 
orf  his  cocked  hat  &  wave  it  round  in  a  impressive 
stile.  His  oldest  darter  Mis  Isabeller  Smith,  who 
hD^*  just  cum  home  from  the  Perkinsville  Female 
Jji  tertoot,  appeared  at  the  frunt  winder  in  the  West 


.     CELEBRATION  AT  BALDINSVILLE.  8» 

room  as  the  goddis  of  liberty,  &  sung  "  I  see  them 
on  their  windin  way."  Booteus  1,  sed  I  to  myself, 
you  air  a  angil  &  nothin  shorter.  N.  Boneparte 
Smith,  the  'Squire's  oldest  sun,  drest  hisself  up  aa 
Venus  the  God  of  Wars  and  red  the  Decleration  of 
Inderpendunse  from  the  left  chambir  winder.  The 
'Squire's  wife  didn't  jine  in  the  festiverties.  She 
sed  it  was  the  tarnulest  nonsense  she  ever  seed. 
Scz  she  to  the  'Squire,  "  Cum  into  the  house  and  go 
to  bed  you  old  fool,  you.  Tomorrer  you'll  be  goin 
round  half-ded  with  the  rumertism.&  won't  gin  us  a 
minit's  peace  till  you  get  well."  Sez  the  'Squire 
*'  Betsy,  you  little  appresiate  the  importance  of  the 
event  which  I  this  night  commemerate."  .  Sez  she, 
"  Commemerate  a  cat's  tail  —  cum  into  the  house 
this  instant,  you  pesky  old  critter."  "  Betsy,"  sez 
the  'Squire,  wavin  his  sword,  "retire."  This  made 
her  just  as  mad  as  she  could  stick.  She  retired, 
but  cum  out  agin  putty  quick  with  a  panfull  of 
Bilin  hot  water  which  she  thro  wed  all  over  the 
Squire,  &  Surs,  you  wood  have  split  your  sides  lar- 
fin  to  see  the  old  man  jump  up  and  holler  &  run 


10  CELEBRATION  AT  BALBINSVILLE. 

into  the  house.  Except  this  unpropishus  circiim* 
Btance  all  went  as  merry  as  a  carriage  bell,  as  Lord 
B jrun  sez.  Doctor  Hutchinsis  offiss  was  likewise 
liCed  up  and  a  Transpirancy  on  which  was  painted 
the  Queen  in  the  act  of  drinkin  sum  of  ''  Hutchinsis 
invisorater,"  was  stuck  into  one  of  the  winders. 
The  Baldinsville  Bugle  of  Liberty  noospaperofBss 
was  also  illumernated,  &  the  follerin  mottoes  stuck 
out  —  "  The  Press  is  the  Arkermejian  leaver  which 
moves  the  world.''  "Vote  Early."  ''Buckle  on 
your  Armer."  "  Now  is  the  time  to  Subscribe." 
"  Franklin,  Morse  &  Field."  "  Terms  $1,50  a 
year  —  liberal  reducshuns  to  clubs."  In  short  the 
villige  of  Baldinsville  was  in  a  perfect  fewroar.  I 
never  seed  so  many  peple  thar  befour  in  my  born 
days.  He  not  attemp  to  describe  the  seens  of  that 
grate  night.  Wurds  wood  fale  me  ef  I  shood  try  to 
do  it.  I  shall  stop  here  a  few  periods  and  enjoy  my 
"  Oatem  cum  dig  the  tates,"  as  our  skool  master 
obsarves,  in  the  buzzum  of  my  famerly,  &  shaU  then 
resume  the  show  bisnis,  which  Ive  bin  into  twenty 
two  (22)  yeres  and  six  (6)  months. 


AMONG  THE  SPIRITS. 

M^  naburs  is  mourn  harf  crazy  on  the  new 
fangled  idear  about  Sperrets.  Sperretooul  Sirclea 
is  Held  nitely  <fe  4  or  5  long  hared  fellers  has  settled 
here  and  gone  into  the  sperret  biznis  excloosively. 
A  atemt  was  made  to  git.  Mrs.  A.  Ward  to  embark 
into  the  Sperret  biznis  but  the  atemt  faled.  1  of 
the  long  hared  fellers  told  her  she  was  a  ethereal 
creeter  &  wood  make  a  sweet  mejium,  whareupon 
she  attact  him  with  a  mop  handle  &  drove  him  out 
of  the  house.  I  will  hear  obsarve  that  Mrs.  Ward 
is  a  invalerble  womun — the  partner  of  my  goya 
&  the  shairer  of  my  sorrers.  In  my  absunse  she 
watchis  my  interests  &  things  with  a  Eagle  Eye  & 
when  I  return  she  welcums  me  in  afectionate  stile. 
Trooly  it  is  with  us  as  it  was  with  Mr.  &  Mrs, 
Ingomer  in  the  Play,  to  whit  — 

2  soles  with  but  a  single  thawt 
2  harts  which  beet  as  1. 


42  AMONG  THE  SPIRIIS. 

My  naburs  injooced  me  to  attend  a  Sperretooul  • 
Sircle  at  Squire  Smith's.  When  I  arrove  I  found 
xthe  east  room  chock  full  includin  all  the  old  maida 
in  the  villige  '&  the  long  hared  fellers  a4sed.  When 
I  went  in  I  was  salootid  with  "  hear  cums  the  be- 
nited  man"  —  "hear  cums  the  horj-heded  un- 
beleever  '  — "  hear  cums  the  skoffer  at  trooth," 
etsetterj,  etsettery. 

Sez  I,  "  my  frens,it's  troo  I'm  hear,  &  now  bring 
on  your  Sperrets." 

1  of  the  long  hared  fellers  riz  up  and  sed  he 
would  state  a  few  remarks.  He  sed  man  was  a 
critter  of  intelleck  &  was  movin  on  to  a  Gole. 
Sum  men  had  bigger  intellecks  than  other  men  had 
and  thay  wood  git  to  the  Gole  the  soonerest.  Sum 
men  was  beests  &  wood  never  git  into  the  Gole  at 
all.  He  sed  the  Erth  was  materiel  but  man  was 
immaterial,  and  hens  man  was  different  from  the 
Erth.  The  Erth,  continnered  the  speaker,  resolves 
round  on  its  own  axeltree  onct  in  24  hours,  but  as 
man  haint  gut  no  axeltree  he  cant  resolve.  He 
Bed  the  ethereal  essunce  of  the  koordinate  branchis 


AMONG  THE  SPIKITS  4S 

of  superhuman  natur  becum  mettjonoifussed  as  man 
progrest  in  harmonial  coexistunce  &  eventooallj 
anty  humanized  theirselves  &  turned  into  reglar 
sperretuellers.  [This  was  versifFeruslj  applauded 
by  the  cumpany,  and  as  I  make  it  a  pint  to  get 
along  as  pleasant  as  possibie,  I  sung  out  ''bully 
for  you,  old  boy."] 

The  cumpany  then  drew  round  the  table  and  the 
Sircle  kommenst  to  go  it.  Thay  axed  me  if  thare 
was  anbody  in  the  Sperret  land  which  I  wood  like 
to  convarse  with.  I  sed  if  Bill  Tompkins,  who  wai* 
onct  my  partner  in  the  show  biznis,  was  sober,  I 
should  like  to  convarse  with  him  a  few  periods. 

"  Is  the  Sperret  of  William  Tompkins  present  ?  " 
sed  1  of  the  long  bared  chaps,  and  there  was  throe 
knox  on  the  table. 

Sez  I,  "  "William,  how  goze  it,  Old  Sweetness?  " 

''  Pretty  ruff,  old  boss-,"  he  replide. 

That  was  a  pleasant  way  we  had  of  addressm 
5ach  other  when  he  was  in  the  flesh. 

"  A.ir  you  m  the  show  bizniz,  William,"  sed  I. 

He  sed  he  was.     He  sed  he  &  John  Bunyan  waa 


a  AMONG  THE  SPIKITS. 

travelin  with  a  side  show  in  connection  with  Shak 
spere,  Jonson  &  Co.'s  Circus.  He  sed  oli  Bun 
(meanin  Mr.  Bunyan,)  stired  up  the  animils  & 
ground  the  organ  while  he  tended  door.  Occashun- 
ally  Mr.  Bunyan  sung  a  comic  song.  The  Circua 
was  doin  middlin  well.  Bill  Shakspeer  had  made  a 
grate  hit  with  old  Bob  Ridley,  and  Ben  Jonson  was 
delitin  the  peple  with  his  trooly  grate  ax  of  hoss- 
manship  without  saddul  or  bridaL  Thay  was  re- 
hersin  Dixey's  Land  &  expected  it  would  knock  the 
peple. 

Sez  I,  "William,  my  luvly  frend,  can  you  pay 
me  that  13  dollars  you  owe  me  ?  '^  He  sed  no  with 
one  of  the  most  tremenjis  knox  I  ever  experiunsed. 

The  Sircle  sed  he  had  gone.  "  Air  you  gone, 
William  ?  "  I  axed.  ''  Rayther,"  he  replide,  and  I 
knowd  it  was  no  use  to  pursoo  the  subjeck  furder. 

I  then  called  fur  my  farther. 
How's  things,  daddy  ?  " 

^  Middlin,  my  duu,  middlin." 

**  Ain't  you  proud  of  your  orfurn  bojr?  " 

"  Scacely," 


AMONG  THE  SPIRITS  46 

"  "Why  not,  my  parient?  " 

"  Becawz  you  hav  gone  to  writin.  for  the  noos- 
papers,  my  son.     Bimeby  you'll  lose  all  your  char- 
acter for  trooth  and  verrasserty.     When  I  helpt  you 
into  the  show  biznis  I  told  you  to  dignerfy  that ' 
there  prdfeshun.     Litteratoor  is  low." 

He  also  statid  that  he  was  doin  middlin  well  in 
the  peanut  biznis  &  liked  it  putty  well,  tho'  the 
climit  was 'rather  warm. 

When  the  Sircle  stopt  thay  axed  me  what  I  thawt 
of  it. 

Sez  I,  '*  my  frends  I've  bin  into  the  show  biznis 

now  goin  on   23  years.     Theres  a  artikil   in   the 

Const itcoshun   of  the  United   States  which  sez  in 

effeck  that  everybody  may  think  just  as  he  darn 

pleazes,  &  them  is  my  sentiments  to  a  hare.     You 

dowtlis  beleeve  this  Sperret  doctrin  while  I  think  it 

is  a  little  mixt.     Just  so  soon  as  a  man  becums  a 

reglar   out   &    out   Sperret   rapper  he  leeves  orf 

work  in,  lets  his  hare  grow  all  over  his  fase  &  com-    . 

mensis   spungin  his  livin  out  of  other  peple.     He 

eats  all  the  dickshunaries  he  can  find  &  goze  round   . 
4* 


46  AMONG  THE  SPIRITS. 

chock  full  of  big  words,  scarein  the  wimmin  folka 
&  little  children  &  destrojin  th<>  piece  of  mind  of 
evrj  famerlee  he  enters.  He  don't  do  nobody  no 
good  &  is  a  cuss  to  society  &  a  pirit  on  honest 
peple's  corn  beef  barrils.  Admittin  all  you  say 
abowt  the  doctrin  to  be  troo,  I  must  say  the 
reglar  perfessional  Sperrit  rappers  —  them  as  make? 
a  biznis  on  it  air  —  abowt  the  most  ornery  set  of 
cusses  I  ever  enkountered  in  my  life.  So  sayin  1 
»>ut  on  my  surtoot  and  went  home. 

Respectably  Yures, 

Artemus  Ward. 


"Don't  Spkae  me  agin,  if  you  please."     [JSee  Page  50.] 


ON  THE  WING. 

Gents  of  the  EditDral  Corpse;  — 

Since  I  last  rit  you  I've  met  with  immense  suc- 
cess a  showin  my  show  in  varis  places,  particly  at 
Detroit.  I  put  up  at  Mr.  Russel's  tavern,  a  very 
good  tavern  too,  hut  I  am  sorry  to  inform  you  that 
the  clerks , tried  to  cum  a  Gouge  Game  on  me.  I 
brandished  my  new  sixteen  dollar  huntin-cased 
watch  round  considerable,  &  as  I  was  drest  in  my 
store  clothes  &  had  a  lot  of  sweet-scented  wagon- 
grease  on  my  hair,  I  am  free  to  confess  that  I 
thought  I  lookt  putty  gay.  It  never  once  struck  me 
that  I  lookt  green.  But  up  steps  a  clerk  &  axes  mo 
iiadn't  I  better  put  my  watch  in  the  Safe.  "Sir," 
sez  I,  "  that  watch  cost  sixteen  dollars !  Yes  Sir^ 
every  dollar  of  it !  You  can't  cum  it  over  me 
my  boy!  Not  at  all.  Sir."  I  know'd  what  the 
clerk  wanted.     He  wanted  that  watch  himself.     He 


50  ON  THE  WING. 

wanted  to  make  believe  as  tho  he  lockt  it  up  in  the 
safe,  then  he  would  set  the  house  a  fire  and  pretend 
as  tho  the  watch  was  destroyed  with  the  other  prop- 
erty !  But  he  caught  a  Tomarter  when  he  got  hold 
of  me.  From  Detroit  I  go  West'ard  hoe.  On  the 
cars  was  a  he-lookin  female,  with  a  green-cotton  um- 
broiler  in  one  hand  and  a  handful  of  Reform  tracks 
the  other.  She  sed  every  woman  should  have  a  Spear. 
Them  as  didn't  demand  their  Spears,  didn't  know 
what  was  good  for  them.  "What  is  my  Spear?' 
she  axed,  addressin  the  people  in  the  cars.  "  Is  it 
to  stay  at  home  &  darn  stockins  &  be  the  ser-lave 
of  a  domineerin  man?  Or  is  it  my  Spear  to  vote 
&  speak  &  show  myself  the  ekal  of  man  ?  Is  there 
a  sister  in  these  keers  that  has  her  proper  Spear  ?  " 
Sayin  which  the  eccentric  female  whirled  her  um- 
breller  round  several  times,  &  finally  jabbed  me  in 
the  weskit  with  it. 

*  I  hav  no  objecshuns  to  your  goin  into  the  Speai 
bizness,"  sez  I,  "  but  you'll  please  remember  I  ain't 
a  pickeril      Don't  Spear  me  agin,  if  you  please.' 
She  sot  down. 


ON  THE  WING.  61 

At  Ann  Arbor,  bein  seized  with  a  sudden  faint- 
ness,  I  called  for  a  drop  of  suthin  to  drink.  As  I 
was  stirrin  tho  beverage  up,  a  pale-faced  man  in 
gold  spectacles  laid  his  hand  upon  my  shoulder,  k 
Bed,  ''  Look  not  upon  the  wine  when  it  is  red  !  " 

Sez  I,  "  this  ain't  wine.     This  is  Old  Eje." 

**  It  stingeth  like  a  Adder  and  hiteth  like  a  Sar- 
pent  I  "  sed  the  man. 

*^  I  guess  not,"  sed  1,  "  when  you  put  sugar  into 
it.      That's  the  way  I  allers  take  mine." 

*'  Have  you  sons  grown  up.  Sir  ?  "  the  man  axed. 

*'  Wall,"  I  replide,  as  I  put  myself  outside  my 
beverage,  "  my  son  Artemus  junior  is  goin  on  18." 

"  Ain't  you  afraid  if  you  set  this  example  b4  him, 
he'll  cum  to  a  bad  end?  " 

"  He's  cum  to  a  waxed  end  already.  He's  learn - 
in  the  shoe  makin  bizness,"  I  replide.  "I  guess 
we  can  both  on  us  git  along  without  your  assistance^ 
Sir,"  I  obsarved,  as  he  was  about  to  open  his 
mouth  agin. 

"This  is  a  cold  world  !  "  sed  the  man. 

"  That's  so.     But  you'l\  get  into  a  warmer  one 


62  ON  THE  WING. 

by  and  bj  if  you  don't  mind  your  own  bizness  bet- 
ter." I  was  a  little  riled  at  the  feller,  because  I 
never  take  any  thin  only  when  I'm  on  we  II.  I  arter 
wards  learned  he  was  a  temperance  lecturer,  and  if 
lie  can  injuce  men  to  stop  settin  their  inards  on  fire 
with  the  frightful  licker  which  is  retailed  round  the 
country,  I  shall  hartily  rejoice.  Better  give  men 
Prusick  Assid  to  onct,  than  to  pizen  'em  to  deth  by 
degrees. 

At  Albion  I  met  with  overwhelmin  success.  The 
celebrated  Albion  Female  Semenary  is  located  here, 
k  there  air  over  300  young  ladies  in  the  Insti- 
tushun,  pretty  enough  to  eat  without  seasonin  or  sass.. 
The  young  ladies  was  very  kind  to  me,  volunteerin 
to  pin  my  handbills  onto  the  backs  of  their  dresses. 
It  was  a  surblime  site  to  see  over  300  young  ladies 
goin  round  with  a  advertisement  of  A.  Ward's  on- 
paraleld  show,  conspickusly  posted  onto  their 
dresses. 

They've  got  a  Panick  up  this  way  and  refooze  t 
take  Western  money.  It  never  was  worth  much 
and  when  western  men,  who  know  what  it  is,  re 


ON  THE  WING.  68 

foozo  to  take  their  own  money  it  is  about  time  other 
folks  stopt  handlin  it.  Banks  are  bustin  every  day, 
goin  up  higher  nor  any  balloon  of  which  we  hav  any 
record.  These  western  bankers  air  a  sweet  &  luvly 
set  of  men.  I  wish  I  owned  as  good  a  house  as 
some  of  'em  would  break  into ! 
Virtoo  is  its  own  reward. 

A/Wari> 


THE  OCTOROON. 

It  is  with  no  ordernary  feelins  of  Shagrin  & 
indignashun  that  I  rite  you  these  here  lines.  Sum 
of  the  hiest  and  most  purest  feelins  whitch  actooate 
tho  humin  Lart  has  bin  trampt  onto.  The  Amerycan 
flag  has  bin  outrajed.  Ive  bin  nussin  a  Adder  in 
my  Boozum.     The  fax  in  the  kase  is  these  here  : 

A  few  weeks  ago  I  left  Baldinsville  to  go  to  K.  Y. 
fur  to  git  out  my  flamin  yeller  hanbills  fur  the 
Summer  kampane,  &  as  I  was  peroosin  a  noospaper 
Dn  the  J^ars  a  middel  aged  man  in  speckterkuls  kum 
&  sot  down  beside  onto  me.  He  was  drest  in 
black  close  &  was  appeerently  as  fine  a  man  a3 
ever  was. 

"  A  iiiie  day  Sir,"  he  did  unto  me  strateway  say. 

"  Middlin,"  sez  I,  not  wishin  to  kommit  myself, 
the  he  peered  to  be  as  fine  a  man  as  there  was  in 


THE    OCTOROON.  6ft 

tho  wurld  —  It  is  a  middlia   fine   day  Square,'-    I 
obsarved. 

Sez  he, ''  How  fares  the  Ship  of  State  in  yure 
regine-  of    country  ?  " 

Sez  I,  *'  We  don't  hav  no  ships  in  our  State  — 
the  kanawl  is  our  best  holt.'* 

He  parsed  a  minit  and  then  sed,  '•  Air  yu  aware, 
Sir    that  the  krisis  is  with  us  ?  " 

*•  No,"  sez  I,  getting  up  and  lookin  under  the 
seet,  ''  whare  is  she  ?  " 

"  It's  hear  —  it's  everywhares,"  he  sed. 

Sez  I,  ''Why  how  you  tawk!  "  and  I  gut  up 
agin  &  lookt  all  round.  "I  must  say  my  fren,""I 
continncred,  as  I  resoomed  my  seet,  "  that  I  kan't 
see  nothin  of  no  krisis  myself"  I  felt  sum  what 
alarmed,  &  arose  &  in  a  stentowrian  voice  obsarved 
that  if  any  lady  or  gentleman  in  that  there  kar  had 
a  krisis  consealed  abowt  their  persons  they'd  better 
projuce  it  to  onct  or  suffer  the  konsequences. 
Several  individoouls  snickered  rite  out,  while  a 
putty  little  damsell  rite  behind  me  in  a  pine  gown 
made  the  observashun,  "  He,  he." 
5 


W  THE  OCTOROON. 

"Sit  down,  my  fren,"  sed  the  man  in  black 
closC;  '^  yvL  miskomprehend  me.  I  meen  that  the 
pcrlittercal  ellermunts  are  orecast  with  black  klouJs, 
4boden  a  friteful  storm." 

"Wall,"  replide  I,  "in  regard  to  perlittercal 
ellerfunts  I  don't  know  as  how  but  what  they  is 
as  good  as  enny  other  kind  of  ellerfunts.  But  I 
maik  bold  ro  say  thay  is  all  a  ornery  set  &  un- 
pleasant to  hav  round.  They  air  powerful  hevy 
eaters  &  take  up  a  right  smart  chans  of  room,  & 
besides  thay  air  as  ugly  and  revenjeful  as  a  Cussca- 
roarus  Injun, with  13  inches  of  corn  whisky  in  his 
Btummick."  The  man  in  black  close  seemed  to  be 
as  fine  a  man  as  ever  was  in  the  world.  He  smilt 
&  sed  praps  I  was  rite,  tho  it  was  ellermunts  instid 
of  ellerfunts  that  he  was  alludin  to,  &  axed  me 
what  was  my  prinserpuls  ? 

*'  I  haint  gut  enny,"  sed  I  —  ''  not  a  prinserpul 
Ime  in  the  show  biznis."  The  man  in  black  close, 
I  will  hear  obsarve,  seemed  to  be  as  fine  a  man  as 
ever  was  in  the  world. 

*  But,"  sez  he,  *'  you  hav  feelins  into  jon  ?  You 


THE  OCTOROOJN.  67 

cimpathize  with  the  misfortunit,  the  lolj  k  tho 
hart-sick,  don't  you  ?  "  He  bust  into  teers  and  axed 
me  ef  I  saw  that  yung  lady  in  the  sect  out  yen- 
der,  pintin  to  as  slick  a  lookin  gal  as  I  ever  seed. 

Sed  I,  "2  be  shure  I  see  her — is  she  mutch 
sick  ?  '*  The  man  in  black  close  was  appeerently 
as  fine  a  man  as  ever  was  in  the  world  ennywhares. 

"  Draw  closter  to  me,"  sed  the  man  in  black 
close.  "Let  me  git  my  mowth  fernenst  yure  ear. 
Hush  —  SHE3E  A  Octoroon  !  " 

"  No  !  "  sez  I,  gittin  up  in  a  exsited  manner, 
"  yu  don't  say  so  I  How  long  has  she  bin  in  that 
way?" 

"  Frum  her  arliest  infuncy,"  sed  he. 

"  Wall,  whot  upon  arth  duz  she  doo  it  fur?  "  T 
inquired. 

"  She  kan't  help  it,"  sed  the  man  in  black  close 
**'lt's  the  brand  of  Kane." 

"  Wall,  she'd  better  stopdrinkin  Kane's  brandy," 
f  rcplide. 

*'I  sed  the  brand  of  Kane  was  upon  her  —  not 
brandy,  my  fren.     Yure  very  obtoose." 


68  THE  OCTOROON. 

I  was  konsiderbul  riled  at  this.  Sez  I,  *  My 
gentle  Sir  Ime  a  nonresistanter  as  a  ginral  thing,  & 
don't  want  to  git  up  no  rows  with  nobuddy,  but  I 
kin  nevertheles  kave  in  enny  man's  bed  that  calls 
me  a  obtoos,"  with  whitch  remarks  I  kommenst  fur 
to  pull  orf  my  extry  garmints.  *'  Cum  on,"  sez  I 
—  ''Time!  bear's  the  Beniki  Boy  fur  ye!"  &  I 
c  irnced  round  like  a  poppit.  He  riz  up  in  his  seet 
&  axed  my  pardin  —  sed  it  was  all  a  mistake  —  that 
I  was  a  good  man,  etsettery,  &  sow  4th,  &  we  fixt  it 
all  up  pleasant.  I  must  say  the  man  in  black  close 
seamed  to  be  as  fine  a  man  as  ever  lived  in  the 
wurld.  He  sed  a  Octoroon  was  the  8th  of  a  nesjrow. 
He  likewise  statid  that  the  female  he  was  travelin 
with  was  formurly  a  slave  in  Mississippy ;  that 
she'd  purchist  her  freedim  &  now  wantid  to  pur- 
cbiss  the  freedim  of  her  poor  old  muther,  who  (the 
man  in  black  close  obsarved)  was  between  87  yeart 
of  age  &  had  to  do  all  the  cookin  &  washin  for  25 
hired  men,  whitch  it  was  rapidly  breakin  down  her 
konstitushun.  He  sed  he  knowed  the  minit  lio 
gazed  onto  my  klassic  &  beneverlunt  fase  that  I'd 


THE  OCTOROON.  69 

donate  librullj  &  axed  me  to  go  over  &  see  hcr» 
which  I  accordinlv  did.  I  sot  down  heside  her  and 
sed  ^'jure  Sarvant,  Marm !  How  do  yer  git 
along?'"' 

She  bust  in  2  teers  &  said,  "  0  Sur,  I^m  so 
retchid-  — I'm  a  poor  unfortunit  Octoroon." 

*' So  [  lam.  Yure  rather  more  Roon  than 
Octo,  I  take  it,"  sed  I,  fur  I  never  seed  a  puttier 
gal  in»the  hull  endoorin  time  of  my  life.  She  had 
on  a  More  A.ntic  Barsk  &  a  Poplin  Nubier  with 
Berage  trimmins  onto  it,  while  her  Ise  &  kurls  was 
enufF  to  make  a  man  jump  into  a  mill  pond  without 
biddin  his  relashuns  good  by.  I  pittid  the  Octoroon 
from  the  inmost  recusses  of  my  hart  &  bawled  out 
50  dollers  ker  slap,  &  told  her  to  buy  her  old 
muther  as  soon  as  posserbul.  Sez  she  ''kine  sir 
mutch  thanks."  She  then  lade  her  hed  over  onto 
my  showlder  &  sed  I  was  "old  rats."  I  was 
astonished  to  heer  this  obsarvation,  which  I  knowd 
was  never  used  in  refined  society  &  I  peilitely  but 
emfattercly  shovd  her  hed  away. 

Sez  I  ''  Marm,  I'm  trooly  sirprized." 


6a  THE  OCTOROON. 

Sez  she,  "  git  out.  Yure  the  nicist  old  man  Ive 
seen  yit.  Give  us  anuther  50 ! "  Had  a  soled: 
assortment  of  the  most  tremenjious  thunderbolts 
descended  down  onto  me  I  couldn't  hav  bin  more 
takin  aback.  I  jumpt  up,  but  she  ceased  my  coat 
tales  &  in  a  wild  voise  cride,  "  No,'  He  never  desart 
you — let  us  fli  togetjier  to  a  furrin  shoor  !  " 

Sez  I,  *'-not  mutch  we  wont,"  and  I  made  a 
powerful  effort  to  get  awa  from  her.  "  This  is 
plade  out,"  I  ^  sed,  whereupon  she  jerkt  me  back 
into  the  seet.  "  Leggo  my  coat,  you  scandal  us& 
female,''  I  roared,  when  she  set  up  the  most 
unarthly  yellin  and  hollerin  you  ever  heerd.  The 
oassinjers  &  the  gentlemunly  konducter  rusht  to 
the  spot,&  I  don't  think  I  ever  experiunsed  sich  a 
rumpus  in  the  hull  conrse  of  my  natral  dase.  The 
man  in  black  close  rusht  up  to  me  &  sed  "How 
dair  yu  insult  my  neece,  you  horey  heded  vagabone  , 
You  base  exhibbiter  of  low  wax  figgers  —  yu  woolf 
in  sheep's  close,"  &  sow  4th. 

I  was  konfoozed.  I  was  a  loony  tick  fur  the  time 
bein,  and  offered  15  reward  to  enny  gentleman  of 


THE  OCTOROON.    '  61 

good  morrul  carracter  who  wood  tell  mo  whot  my 
name  was  &  what  town  I  livd  into.  The  konductor 
kum  to  me  &  sed  the  insultid  parties  wood  settle 
for  $50,  which  I  immejitly  hawled  out,  &  agano 
implored  sumbuddy  to  state  whare  I  was  prinsipully, 
&  if  I  shood  be  thare  a  grate  while  myself  ^f 
things  went  on  as  they'd  bin  goin  fur  sum  time 
back.  I  then  axed  if  there  was  enny  more  Octo- 
roons present,  "  becawz,"  sez  I,  ^'ef  there  is,  let 
um  cum  along,  fur  Ime  in  the  Octoroon  bizniss."  I 
then  threw  my  spesterculs  out  of  the  winder, 
smasht  my  hat  wildly  down  over  my  Ise,  larfed 
highsterically  &  fell  under  a  sect.  I  lay  there  sum 
time  .&  fell  asleep.  I  dreamt  Mrs.  Ward  &  the 
twins  had  bin  carrid  orf  by  K-yenosserhosses  &  that 
Baldinsville  had  bin  captered  by  a  army  of  Octo- 
roons. When  I  awoked  the  lamps  was  a  burnin 
dimly.  Sum  of  the  passinjers  was  a  snorein  like 
pawpusses  &  the  little  damsel!  in  the  pine  gown 
was  a  singin  "  Oft  in  the  Silly  nite.''  The  on- 
prjnsipuld  Octoroon  &  the  miserbul  man  in  black 
close  was  gone,  &  all  of  a  suddent  it  flasht  ore  my 
brane  that  I'de  bin  swindjld. 


EXPERIENCE  AS  AN  EDITOR 

In  the  Ortum  of  18 —  my  frend,the  editor  of  the 
Baldinsville  Bugle, was  obleged  to  leave  perfeshernal 
dooties  &  go  &  dig  his  taters.  &  he  axed  me  to  edit 
for  him  doorin  his  absence.  Accordinly  I  ground 
up  his  Shears  and  commenced.  It  didn't  take  me  a 
grate  while  to  slash  out  copy  enufF  from  the 
xchanges  for  one  issoo,  and  I  thawt  I'd  ride  up  to  the 
next  town  on  a  little  Jaunt,  to  rest  my  Branes  which 
had  bin  severely  rackt  by  my  mental  efforts.  (This 
Is  sorter  Ironical.)  So  I  went  over  to  the  Rale 
Rood  offiss  and  axed  the  Sooprintendent  for  a  pars. 

*'  You  a  editer?  "  he  axed,  evijently  on  the  pint 
df  snickerin.  ^ 

*'  Yes  Sir,"  sez  I,  "  don't  I  look  poor  enuff  ?  " 

"Just  about,"  sed  he,  "  but  our  Road  can't  pars 
you." 


EXPERIENCE  AS  AN  EDITOR  dB 

"Can't,  hay?" 

•'No  Sir  — it  can't."  .   .     ^ 

*'  Becauz,"  sez  I,  lookin  him  full  in  the  face  with 
a  Eagle  eye  ''^  it  goes  so  darned  slow  it  caiitjiars 
anybody  !^^  Methinks  I  had  him  thar.  It's  the 
slowest  Rale  Road  in  the  West.  With  a  mortifi'ed 
air,  he  told  me  to  git  out  of  his  ofEss  I  pittid  him 
^d  went 


OBERLIN. 

About  two  years  ago  I  arrove  in  Oberlin,  Ohio. 
Obcrlin  is  wiiare  -the  celebrated  college  is.  In  fack, 
Oberlin  is  the  college,  everytliing  else  in  that  air 
vicinity  resolvin  around  excloosivly  for  the  benefit 
of  that  institution.  It  is  a  very  good  college,  too, 
&  a  grate  many  wurthy  yung  men  go  there  annooal- 
ly  to  git  intelleck  into  'em.  But  its  my  onbiassed 
'pinion  that  they  go  it  rather  too  strong  on  Ethio- 
pians at  Oberlin.  But  that's  nun 'of  my  bizness. 
I'm  into  the  Show  bizniss.  Yit  as  a  faithful  histo- 
ran  I  must  menshun  the  fack  that  on  rainy  dase 
white  peple  can't  find  their  way  threw  the  streets 
without  the  gas  is  lit  there  bein  such  a  numerosity 
of  cullcrd  pussons  in  the  town. 

As  I  was  sayin,  I  arroved  at  Oberlin,  and  called 
on  Perfesser  Peck  for  the  purpuss  of  skewerin  Ko- 
lonial  Hall  to  exhibit  my  wax  worl^  and  beests  of 


OBERLIN.  65  N 

Pray  into.  Kolonial  Hall  is  in  the  college  and  is 
used  by  the  stujents  to  speak  peaces  and  read  essays 
into. 

Scz  Perfesser  Peck,  "  Mister  Ward,  I  don't  knoTV 
'bout  this  bizniss.     What  are  your  sentiments  ?  " 

Sez  I,  "I  hain't  got  any.'* 

''  Good  God  !  "  cried  the  Perfesser,  "  did  I  un- 
derstan  you  to  say  you  hav  no  sentiments?  " 

"  Nary  a  sentiment !  "  sez  I. 

"  Mister  Ward,  don't  your  blud  bile  at  the  thawt 
that  three  million  and  a  half  of  your  culled  breth- 
ren air  a  clankin  their  chains  in  the  South  ?  " 

Sez  I,  "  not  a  bile  !   Let  'em  clank  !  " 

He  was  about  to  continner  his  flowry  speech  when 
1  put  a  stopper  on  him.  Sez  I,  "  Perfesser  Peck, 
A.  Ward  is  my  name  &  Ameriky  is  my  nashun ; 
I'm  allers  the  same,  tho'  humble  is  my  station,  and 
I've  bin  in  the  show  bizniss  goin  on  22  years.  The 
pint  is,  can  I  hav  your  Hall  by  payin  a  fair  price  ? 
You  air  full  of  sentinaents.  That's  your  lay,  while 
I'm  a  exhibitor  of  startlin  curiosities.  What  d'ye 
Bay?" 


M  OBERLIN. 

•*  Mister  Ward,  yon  air  endowed  with  a  hiljr  prac- 
tical mind,  and  while  I  deeply  regret  that  you 
air  devoid  of  sentiments,  I'll  let  you  hav  the  hall 
provided  your  exhibition  is  of  a  moral  &  elevatin 
nater." 

Sez  I,  ''  Tain't  nothin  shorter." 

So  I  opened  in  Kolonial  Hall,  which  was  crowded 
every  nite  with  stujents,  &g.  Perfesser  Finny  gaz- 
ed for  hours  at  my  Kangaroo,  but  when  that  sa- 
gashus  but  onprincipled  little  cuss  set  up  one  of  hia 
onarthly  yellins  and  I  proceeded  to  hosswhip  him, 
the  Perfesser  objected.  "  Suffer  not  your  angry 
pashuns  to  rise  up  at  the  poor  annimil's  little  excen- 
trissities,"  said  the  Perfesser. 

"Do  you  call  such  conduck  as  those  a  little  ex- 
centrissity  ?  "  I  axed. 

"  I  do,"  sed  lie,  sayin  which  he  walked  up  to  the 
cage  and  sez  he,  "  let's  try  moral  swashun  upon  the 
poor  creeter."  So  he  put  his  hand  upon  the  Kan- 
geroo's  hed  and  sed,  "  poor  little  feller  —  poor  lit- 
tle feller  —  your  master  is  ve*ry  crooil,  isn't  he;  my 
untootered  frend,"  when  the  Kangaroo,  with  a  ter- 


OBERLiy.  67 

rific  jell,  grabd  the  Perfesser  bj  the  hand  and  cum 
very  near  chawin  it  orf.  It  was  amoozin  to  see  the 
Perfesser  jump  up  and  scream  with  pane.  Sez  I, 
^'  that's  one  of  the  poor  little  feller's  excentrissi- 
ties  !  '^ 

Sez  he,  "  Mister  Ward,  that's  a  dangerous  quad- 
ruped. He's  totally  depraved.  I  will  retire  and 
do  my  lasserated  hand  up  in  a  rag,  and  meanwhile 
I  request  you  to  meat  out  summery  and  severe  pun- 
ishment to  the  vishus  beest.  I  hosswhipt  the  little 
cuss  for  upwards  15  minutes.  Guess  I  licked  sum 
of  his  excentrissity  out  of  him. 

Oberlin  is  a  grate  plase.  The  College  opens  with 
a  prayer  and  then  the  New  York  Tribune  is  read. 
A  kolleckshun  is  then  taken  up  to  buy  overkoatg 
with  red  horn  buttons  onto  them  for  the  indignant 
cullured  people  of  Kanady.  I  have  to  contribit  lib- 
rally  two  the  glowrius  work,  as  they  kawl  it  hear. 
I'm  kompelled  by  the  Fackulty  to  reserve  front  seeta 
in  my  show  for  the  cullered  peple.  At  the  Boardin 
Mouse  the  cullered  peple  sit  at  the  first  table. 
What  they  leeve  is  maid  into  hash  for  the  white  pe- 
6 


68  OBERLIN. 

pie.  As  I  don't  like  the  idee  of  eatin  my  vittlea 
with  Ethiopians,  I  sit  at  the  seckind  table,  and  the 
konsequence  is  I've  devowered  so  much  hash  that  my 
inards  is  in  a  hily  mixt  up  condishun.  Fish  bones 
hav  maid  their  appearance  all  over  my  boddy  and 
pertater  peelins  air  a  springin  up  through  my  hair 
IIoAvsever  I  don't  mind  it.  I'm  gittin  along  well  in 
a  pecunery  pint  of  view.  The  College  has  konfired 
upon  me  the  honery  title  of  T.  K.,  of  which  I'm 
Buffishuntly  crowd. 


THE  SHOWMAN'S    ^OURTSIIIP. 

Thare  was  many  affectin  ties  Avhich  made  me 
hanker  arter  Betsy  Jane.  Her  father's  flirm  jined 
our'n ;  their  cows  and  our'n  squencht  their  thurst  at 
the  same  spring ;  our  old  mares  both  had  stars  in 
their  forrerds  ;  the  measles  broke  out  in  both  famer- 
lies  at  nearly  the  same  period  ;  our  parients  (Betsy's 
and  mine)  slept  reglarly  every  Sunday  in  the  same 
meetin  house,  and  the  nabers  used  to  obsarve, 
''  How  thick  the  Wards  and  Peasleys  air  !  "  It 
was  a  surblime  site,  in  the  Spring  of  the  year,  to 
see  our  sevral  mothers  (Betsy's  and  mine)  with 
their  gowns  pin'd  up  so  thay  coukVut  silo  'cm^ 
affecshunitly  Bilin  sope  together  &  aboozin  the 
nabers. 

Altho  I  hankerd  intensly  arter  the  objeck  of  my 


70  THE  SHOWMAN'S  COURTSHIP. 

affecshuns,  I  darsunt  tell  her  of  the  fires  -which  was 
rajin  in  my  manly  Buzzum.  I'd  try  to  do  it  but 
my  tung  would  kerwollup  up  agin  the  roof  of  my 
mowth  &  stick  thar,  like  deth  to  a  deseast  Afrikan 
or^  country  postmaster  to  his  offiss,  while  my  hart 
whanged  agin  my  ribs  like  a  old  fashioned  wheat 
Flale  agin  a  barn  floor. 

T'was  a  carm  still  nite  in  Joon.  All  nater  was 
husht  and  nary  zefFer  disturbed  the  screen  silens. 
I  sot  with  Betsy  Jane  on  the  fense  of  her  farther'a 
pastur.  We'd  bin  rompin  threw  the  woods,  kullin 
flours  &  drivin  the  woodchuck  from  his  Nativ  Lair 
(so  to  speak)  with  long  sticks.  Wall  we  sot  thar  on 
the  fense,  a  swingin  our  feet  two  and  fro,  blushin  as 
red  as  the  Baldinsville  skool  house  when  it  was  fust 
painted,  and  lookin  very  simple,  I  make  no  doubt. 
My  left  arm  was  ockepied  in  ballunsin  myself  on 
the  fense,  while  my  rite  was  woundid  luvinly  round 
her  waste. 

^  I  cleared  my  throat  and  tremblinly  sed,  "  Betsy 
you're  a  Gazelle." 

I  thought  that  air  was  putty  fine.     I  waitid  t( 


THE  SHOWMAN'S  COURTSHIP.  71 

sec  what  effeck  it  would  hav  upon  her.     It  evident- 
ly didn't  fetch  her,  for  she  up  and  sed, 

"  You're  a  sheep  !  " 

Sez  I,  "  Betsy,  I  think  very  muchly  of  you/ 

*'  I  don't  b'leove  a  word  you  say  —  so  there  now 
Qjim  !  "  with  which  obsarvashun  she  hitched  away 
from  me. 

"  I  wish  thar  was  winders  to  my  Sole,"  sed  I 
"  so  tliat  you  could  see  some  of  my  feelins.  There's 
fire  enuff  in  here,"  sed  I,  strikin  my  buzzum  with 
my  fist,  "  to  bile  all  the  corn  beef  and  turnips  in 
the  naberhood.  Versoovius  and  the  Critter  ain't  a 
circumstans  I  " 

She  bowd  her  bed  down  and  commenst  chawin  the 
strings  to  her  sun  bonnet. 

*'  Ar  could  you  know  the  sleeplis  nites  I  worry 
threw  with  on  your  account,  how  vittles  has  seized 
to  be  attractiv  to  me  &  how  my  lims  has  shrunk  up, 
you  would'nt  dowt  me.  Gase  on  this  wastin  form 
nnl  these  'ere  sunken  cheeks"  — 

1   should    have    continnered    on   in   this   strane 
probly  for  sum  time,  but  unfortnitly  I  lost  my 
6* 


72  THE  SHOWMAN'S  COURTSHIP. 

ballunse  and  fell  over  into  the  pastur  ker  smash 
tearin  mj  close  and  seveerlj  damagin  myself  gine- 
rally. 

Betsy  Jane  sprung  to  my  assistance  in  dubble 
quick  time  and  dragged  me  4th.  Then  drawin  her- 
self up  to  her  full  hite  she  sed : 

"I  won't  listen  to  your  noncents  no  longer. 
Jes  say  rite  strate  out  what  you're  drivin  at.  If 
you  mean  gettin  hitched,  I'm  in  !  " 

I  considered  that  air  enuff  for  all  practicul  pur- 
pusses,  and  we  proceeded  immejitly  to  the  parson's, 
&  was  made  1  that  very  nite. 

(Notiss  to  the  Printer:  Put  some  stars  here.) 

*  *  *  :*  .     *  ^  * 

IVe  parst  threw  many  tryin  ordeels  sins  then, 
but  Betsy  Jane  has  bin  troo  as  steel.  By  attendin 
strickly  to  bizniss  I've  amarsed  a  handsum  Pittance. 
No  man  on  this  foot-stool  can  rise  &  git  up  &  say  I 
ever  l^nowinly  injered  no  man  or  wimmin  folks, 
while  all  agree  that  my  Show  is  ekalled  by  few  and 
exceld  by  none,  embracin  as  it  does  a  wonderful 
coUeckshun  of  livin  wild  Beests  of  Pray,  snaix  in 


THE  SHOWMAN'S  COURTSHIP  78 

grate  profushun,  a  endliss  variety  of  life-size  T7ax 
figgers,  &  the  only  traned  kangaroo  in  Ameriky  — 
the  most  amoozin  little  cuss  ever  iutrojuced  to  a 
discriminatin  puhlic. 


THE  CRISIS. 

[This  Oration  -was  delivered  before  the  commencement  of  the 
\^ar.] 

On  returnin  to  my  Immsted  in  Baldinsville,  In- 
jianny,  resuntly,  my  feller  sittersens  extended  a  in- 
vite for  me  to  norate  to  'em  on  the  Krysis.  I  ex- 
cepted &  on  larst  Toosday  nite  I  peared  be4  a  C  of 
upturned  faces  in  the  Red  Skool  House.  I  spoke 
nearly  as  follers : 

Baldinsvillins :  Hearto4,as  I  hav  numerously  ob- 
sarved,  i  have  abstrained  from  having  any  senti- 
munts  or  principles,  my  pollertics,  like  my  religion 
bein  of  a  exceedin  accommodatin  character,  Bu* 
the  fack  can't  be  no  longer  disgised  that  a  Krysjs  i^ 
onto- us,  &  I  feel  it's  my  dooty  to  accept  your  invite 
for  one  consecutive  nite  only.  I  spose  the  inflam- 
mertory  individooals  who  assisted  in  projucing  this 
Krysis  know  what  good  she  will  do,  but  I  ain't 


"Shall  the  Star  Spangled  Banner  be  cut  up  mxo  dish 
LOTUS?"     [See  Page  80.] 


THE  CRISIS.  77 

'shamed  to  state  that  I  don't,  scacely.  But  the 
Krjsis  is  hear.  She's  bin  hear  for  sevral  weeks,  & 
Goodness  nose  how  long  she'll  stay.  But  I  venter 
to  assert  that  she's  rippin  things.  She's  knockt 
trade  into  a  cockt  up  hat  and  chaned  Bizness  of  all 
kinds  tighter  nor  I  ever  chaned  any  of  my  livin 
wild  Beests.  Alow  me  to  hear  dygress  &  stait  that 
my  Beests  at  presnt  is  as  harmless  as  the  new-born 
Babe.  Ladys  &  gentlemen  needn't  hav  no  fears  on 
that  pint.  To  resoom  —  Altho  I  carn't  exactly  see 
what  good  this  Krysis  can  do,  I  can  very  quick  say 
what  the  origernal  cawz  of  her  is.  The  origernal 
cawz  is  Our  Afrikan  Brother.  I  was  into  Barnim's 
Moozeum  down  to  New  York  the  other  day  &  saw 
that  exsentric  Etheopian,  the  What  Is  It.  Sez  I, 
"  Mister  What  Is  It,  you  folks  air  raisin  thunder  with 
this  grate  country.  You're  gettin  to  be  ruther  more 
numeris  than  interestin.  It  is  a  pity  you  coodent  go 
orf  sumwhares  by  yourselves,  &  be  a  nation  of  What 
Is  Its,  tho'  if  you'll  excoose  me,  I  shooden't  care 
about  marryin  among  you.  No  dowt  you're  exceed- 
in  charmin  to  hum,  but  your  stile  of  luvliness  isn't 


78  THE  CRISIS. 

adapted  to  this  cold  climit.  He  larfed  into  my  face, 
which  rather  Riled  me,  as  1  had  heen  perfecklj  vir- 
toous  and  respectable  in  my  observashuns.  So  scz  I, 
turnin  a  leetle  red  in  the  face  I  spect,  "  Do  you  hav 
the  unblushin  impoodents  to  say  you  folks  haven't 
raised  a  big  mess  of  thunder  in  this  brite  land,  Mister 
What  Is  It  ?  "  He  larfed  agin,  wusser  nor  be4, 
whareuponi  up  andsez,  ''Go  home.  Sir,  to  Afriky's 
burnin  shores  &  taik  all  the  other  What  Is  Its  along 
with  you.  Don't  think  we  can't  spair  your  interest- 
in  picters.  You  What  Is  Its  air  on  the  pint  of 
smash  in  up  the  gratest  Guv'ment  ever  erected  by 
man,  &  you  actooally  hav  the  owdassity  to  larf  about 
it.     Go  home,  you  low  cuss  !  " 

I  was  workt  up  to  a  high  pitch,  &  I  proceeded  to  a 
Rcstorator  &  cooled  orf  with  some  little  fishes  biled 
in  ile  —  I  b'leeve  thay  call  'em  sardeens. 

Feller    Sitterzuns,    the    Afrikan    may    be    Our 
Brother.       Sevral  hily  respectyble  gentlemen,  and 
sum  talcntid  females  tell  us  so,  &  fur  argyment' 
sake  I  mite  be  injooccd  to  grant  it,  tho'  I  don't  be- 
leeve  it  myself.     But  the  Afrikan  isn't  our  sister  & 


THE  CRISIS.  w 

our  wife  &  our  uncle.  He  isn't  sevral  of  our  brotli- 
ers  &  all  our  fust  wife's  relashuns.  He  isn't  our 
grandfather,  and  our  grate  grandfatlier,and  our  Aunt 
in  the  country.  Scacely.  &  yit  numeris  persona 
would  have  us  think  so.  It's  troo  he  runs  Congress 
&  sevral  other  public  grosserys,  but  then  he  ain't 
everybody  &  everybody  else  likewise.  [Notiss  to 
bizness  man  of  Vanity  Fair  :  Extry  charg  fur 
this  larst  remark.     It's  a  goak. — A.  W.] 

But  we've  got  the  Afrikan,  or  ruther  he's  got  us, 
&  now  what  air  we  going  to  do  about  it?  He's  a 
orful  ncosanse.  Praps  he  isn't  to  blame  fur  it. 
Praps  he  was  creatid  fur  sum  wise  purpuss,  like  the 
measles  and  New  Englan  Rum,  but  it's  mity  hard 
to  see  it.  At  any  rate  he's  no  good  here,  &  as  I 
statid  to  Mister  What  Is  It,  it's  a  pity  he  cooden't 
go  orf  sumwhares  quietly  by  hisself,  whare  he  cood 
wear  red  weskits  &  speckled  neckties,  &  gratterfy 
his  ambisliun  in  varis  interestin  wase,  without  havin 
a  eternal  fuss  kickt  up  about  him. 

Praps  I'm  bearin  down   too  hard  upon    CufTy 
Cum  to  tliink  oa  it,  I  am.    He  wooden't  be  sich  a 


80  THE  CRISIS. 

infernal  noosanse  if  white  peple  -would  let  him  alone, 
lie  mite  indeed  be  interestin.  And  now  I  think  of 
itj  why  can't  the  white  peple  let  him  alone.  What's 
the  good  of  continnerlj  stirrin  him  up  with  a  ten- 
foot  pole  ?  He  isn't  the  sweetest  kind  of  Perfoom- 
«ry  when  in  a  natral  stait. 

Feller  Sitterzens,  the  Union's  in  danger.  -  The 
black  devil  Disunion  is  trooly  here,  starein  us  all 
squarely  in  the  face  !  We  must  drive  him  back. 
Shall  we  make  a  2nd  Mexico  of  ourselves  ?  Shall 
we  sell  our  birthrite  for  a  mess  of  potash  ?  Shall 
one  brother  put  the  knife  to  the  throat  of  anuther 
brother?  Shall  we  mix  our  whisky  with  each 
others'  blud?  Shall  the  star  spangled  Banner  be 
cut  up  into  dishcloths  ?  Standin  here  in  this  here 
Skoolhouse,  upon  my  nativ  shore  so  to  speak,  I  an- 
ler  —  Nary  ! 

Oh  you  fellers  who  air  raisin  this  row,  &  who  in 
the  fust  place  startid  it,  I'm  'shamed  of  you.  The 
Showman  blushes  for  you,  from  his  boots  to  the  top- 
most hair  upon  his  wenerable  hed. 

Feller  Sitterzens,  I  am  in  the  Sheer  &  YellcT 


THE  CRISIS.  81 

leaf.  I  shall  peg  out  1  of  these  dase.  But  while  I  da 
stop  here  I  shall  stay  in  the  Union.  I  know  not 
what  the  supervizers  of  Baldinsville  may  conclude  to 
do^  but  for  one,  I  shall  stand  by  the  Stars  &  Stripes. 
Under  no  circumstances  whatsomever  will  I  sesesh. 
Let  every  Stait  in  the  Union  sesesh  &  let  Palmetter 
flags  flote  thicker  nor  shirts  on  Square  Baxter's  close 
line,  still  will  I  stick  to  the  good  old  flag.  The 
country  may  go  to  the  devil,  but  I  won't !  And  next 
Summer  when  I  start  out  on  my  campane  with  my 
Show,  wharever  I  pitch  my  little  tent,  you  shall  see 
floatin  prowdly  from  the  center  pole  thereof  the 
Amerikan  Flag,  with  nary  a  star  wiped  out,  nary  a 
stripe  less,  but  the  same  old  flag  that  has  allers  flotid 
thar !  &  the  price  of  admishun  will  be  the  same  it 
allers  was  — 15  cents,  children  half  price. 

Feller  Sitterzens,  I  am  dun.     Accordinly  I  squat- 
tod 


WAX  FIGURES   VS.  SHAKSPEARE. 
Onto  the  wing 1859. 

Mm.  Editoe  ; 

I  take  my  Pen  in  hand  to  inform  yu  that  I'm  in 
good  helth  and  trust  these  few  lines  will  find  yu  in- 
joyin  the  same  blessins.  I  wood  also  state  that  I'm 
now  on  the  summir  kampane.     As  the  Poit  sez  — ■ 

ime  erflote,  ime  erflote 

On  the  Swift  rollin  tied 

An  the  Rovir  is  free. 

Bizness  is  scacely  middlin,  but  Sirs  I  manige  to 
pay  for  my  foode  and  raiment  puncktooally  and  with- 
out no  grumblin.  The  barked  arrers  of  slandur  has 
bin  leviled  at  the  undersined  moren  onct  sins  heze 
bin  into  the  show  bizness,  but  I  make  bold  to  say  no 
man  on  this  footstule  kan  troothfully  say  I  ever 
ronged  him  or  eny  of  his  folks.  I'm  travelin  with 
a  ter.t,  which  is  better  nor  hirin  hauls.  My  show 
konsists  of  a  serious  of  wax  works,  snakes,  a  pan- 


WAX  FIGURES  VS.  SHAKSPEARE.  88 

eramy  kalled  a  Grand  Movin  Diarea  of  the  War  in 
the  Crymear,  komic  songs  and  the  Cangeroo,  which 
larst  little  cuss  continners  to  konduct  hisself  in  the 
most  outrajus  stile.  I  started  out  with  the  idear  of 
makin  mj  show  a  grate  Moral  Entertainment,  but 
I'm  kompeled  to  sware  so  much  at  that  air  infurnal 
Kangeroo  tliat  I'm  frade  this  desine  will  be  flustrat- 
id  to  some  extent.  And  while  speakin  of  morrality. 
remines  me  that  sum  folks  turn  up  their  nosis  at 
shows  like  mine,  sajin  they  is  low  and  not  .fit  to  be 
patrernized  by  peple  of  high  degree.  Sirs,  I  mane- 
tane  that  this  is  infernul  nonsense.  I  manetane  that 
wax  figgers  is  more  elevatin  than  awl  the  plays  ever 
wroten.  Take  Shakespeer  for  instunse.  Peple 
think  heze  grate  things,  but  I  kontend  heze  quite 
the  reverse  to  the  konrtary.  What  sort  of  sense  ia 
thare  to  King  Leer  who  goze  round  cussin  his  dar- 
ters, chawin  hay  and  throin  straw  at  folks,  and  larf- 
in  like  a  silly  old  koot  and  makin  a  ass  of  hisself 
ginerally?  Thare's  Mrs.  Mackbeth —  sheze  a  niso 
kind  of  woomon  to  have  round  aint  she,  a  puttin 
old  Mack,  her  husband,  up  to  slayin  Dunkan  with  a 


84  .  WAX  FIGURES  VS.  SHAKSPEARE. 

cheeze  knife,  while  heze  payin  a  frendly  visit  to  theii 
house.  0  its  hily  morral,  I  spoze,  when  she  larfa 
wildly  and  sez,  "  gin  me  the  daggurs  —  lie  let  his 
bowels  out,"  or  wurds  to  that  effeck —  I  say,  this  ia 
awl  strickly  propper  I  spoze  ?.  That  Jack  Fawl- 
starf  is  likewise  a  immoral  old  cuss,  take  him  how  ye 
may,  and  Hamlick  is  as  crazy  as  a  loon.  Thare's 
Richurdthe  Three  peple  think  heze  grate  things,  but 
I  look  upon  him  in  the  lite  of  a  monkster.  He  kills 
everybody  he  takes  a  noshun  to  in  kold  blud,  and 
then  goze  to  sleep  in  his  tent.  Bimeby  he  wakes  up 
and  yells  for  a  boss  so  he  kan  go  orf  and  kill  sum 
more  peple.  If  he  isent  a  fit  spesserman  for  the 
gallers  then  I  shood  like  to  know  whareyou  findum. 
Thare's  largo  who  is  more  crnery  nor  pizun.  See 
how  shamful  he  treated  that  hily  respecterble  injun 
gentlemun,  Mister  Otheller,  makin  him  for  to  beleeve 
his  wife  was  two  thick  with  Casheo.  Obsarve  how 
largo  got  Casheo  drunk  as  a  biled  owl  on  corn 
whisky  in  order  to  karry  out  his  sneekin  desines. 
See  how  he  wurks  Mister  Otheller's  feelins  up  so  thai 
he  goze  and  makes  poor  Desdemony  swaller  a  piller 


WAX  FIGURES  VS.  SHAKSPEARE.  86 

which  cawses  her  deth.     But  I  must  stop.     At  sum 
fiitur   time  I  shall   continner   my   reibarks  on   the 
(Iramer  in  which  I  shall  show  the  varst  supeeriority 
of  wax  figgers  and  snakes  over  theater  plays,  in  a  in 
terlectooal  pint  of  view. 

Very  Respectively  yures, 

A.  Ward,  T.  K 


AMONG  THE  FREE  LOVERS.* 

Some  years  ago  I  pitched  my  tent  and  onfarled 
my  banner  to  the  breeze,  in  Berlin  Hites,  Ohio.  I 
had  hearn  that  Berlin  Hites  was  ockepied  by  a 
extensive  seek  called  Free  Lovers,  who  beleeved  in 
affinertys  and  sich,  goin  back  on  their  domestic  ties 
without  no  hesitation  whatsoraever.  They  was  like- 
wise spirit  rappers  and  high  presher  reformers  on 
gineral  principles.  If  I  can  improve  these  'ere 
misgided  peple  by  showin  them  my  onparalleld  show 
at  the  usual  low  price  of  adraitants,  methunk,  T 
shall  not  hav  lived  in  vane !  But  bitterly  did  I 
cuss  the  day  I  ever  sot  foot  in  the  retchid  place.  I 
sot  up  my  tent  in  a  field  near  the  Love  Cure,  as 
they  called  it,  and  bimeby  the  free  lovers  begun  for 

*  Some  queer  people,  calling  themselves  "  Free  Lovers,"  ami 
Dossessiu^  very  original  ideas  about  life  and  morality,  established 
themselves  at  Berlin  Heights,  in  Ohio,  a  few  years  since.  Public 
opinion  was  resistlessly  against  them,  however,  and  the  association 
was  soon  diabanded. 


AMONG  THE  FREE  LOVEBS.  61 

to  congregate  around  the  door.  A  ornreer  set  I  have 
never  sawn.  The  men's  faces  was  all  covered  with 
hare  and  thej  lookt  half-starved  to  deth.  They 
didn't  wear  no  weskuts  for  the  purpuss  (as  they 
sed)  of  allowin  the  free'  air  of  hevun  to  hlow  onto 
their  boozums.  Their  pockets  was  filled  with  tracks 
and  pamplits  and  they  was  bare-footed.  They  sed 
the  Postles  didn't  wear  boots,  &  why  should  they  ? 
That  was  their  stile  of  argyment.  The  wimin  was 
wuss  than  the  men.  They  wore  trowsis,  short 
gownds,  straw  hats  with  green  ribbins,  and  all 
carried  bloo  cotton  umbrellers. 

Presently  a  perfeckly  orful  lookin  female  pre- 
sented herself  at  the  door.  Her  gownd  was  skan- 
derlusly  short  and  her  trowsis  was  shameful  to 
behold. 

She  eyed  me  over  very  sharp,  and  then  startin 
back  she  sed,  in  a  wild  voice  ; 

''  Ah,  can  it  be  ?  " 

"Which?  "sed  I. 

"Yes,  'tistrov),  0  'tis  troo!" 

*'  15  cents,  marm,"  I  anserd. 


B8  AMONG  THE  FREE  LOVERS. 

She  bust  out  a  cryin  &  sed  : 

'•  And  so  I  liav  found  you  at  larst  —  at  la'-st,  0 
at  larst !  " 

"Yes,"  I  anserd,  "you  Lave  found  me  at  larst, 
and  you  "would  liave  found  me  at  fust,  if  you  Lad 
cum  sooner." 

She  grabd  mo  vilently  by  the  coat  collar,  and 
brandishin  her  umbreller  wildly  round,  exclaimed  : 

"  Air  you  a  man?  " 

Sez  I,  "  I  think  I  air,  but  if  you  doubt  it,  you 
can  address  Mrs.  A.  Ward,  Baldinsville,  Injianny, 
postage  pade,  &  she  will  probly  giv  you  the  desired 
infer  mashun." 

"  Then  thou  ist  what  the  cold  world  calls 
marrid?'' 

"Madam,  I  istest !  " 

The  exsentric  female  then  clutched  me  franticly 
by  the  arm  and  hollcrd  : 

"  You  air  mine,  0  you  air  mine  ! " 

"  Scacely,"  I  sed,  endeverin  to  git  loose  from  her, 
But  she  clung  to  me  and  sed : 

"  You  air  my  Affinerty  !  " 


/ 
AMONG  THE  FREE  LOVERS.  89 

"  What  upon  arth  is  that  ?  '*  I  shouted. 

"  Dost  thou  not  know  ?  " 

"No,  Idostent!" 

"  Listin  man,  &  I'll  tell  ye  !  "  sed  the  strange 
female ;  "  for  years  I  hav  yearned  for  thee.  J 
knowd  thou  wast  in  the  world,  sumwhares,  tho  I 
didn't  know  whare.  My  hart  sed  he  would  cum 
and  I  took  courage.  He  has  cum  —  he's  here  — 
you  air  him  —  you  air  my  Affinerty !  0  'tis  too 
mutch  !  too  mutch  !  "  and  she  sobbed  agin. 

"  Yes,"  I  anserd,  "  I  think  it  is  a  darn  site  tor 
mutch ! " 

"  Hast  thou  not  yearned  for  me  ?  "  she  yelled, 
ringin  her  hands  like  a  female  play  acter. 

"Not  a  yearn!"  I  bellerd  at  the  top  of  my 
voice,  throwin  her  away  from  me. 

The  free  lovers  who  was  standin  round  obsarvin 
the  scene  commenst  for  to  holler  "  shame  I " 
"  beast,"  etsettery,  etsettery. 

I  was  very   mutch  riled,   and  fortify  in  myself 
with  a  spare  tent  stake,  I  addrest  them  as  follers 
"  You  pussylanermus  critters,  go  way  from  me  and 


flO         .  AMONG  THE-FREE  LOVERS 

take  this  retchid  woman  with  you.  I'm  a  law- 
abidin  man,  and  bleeve  in  good,  old-fashionod  insti- 
tutions. I  am  marrid  &  my  orf^prings  resemble  me 
if  1  am  a  showman  !  I  think  your  Affinity  bizniss 
is  cussed  noncents,  besides  boin  outrajusly  wicked. 
Why  don't  you  behave  desuD !;  like  other  folks  ?  Go 
to  work  and  earn  a  honist  l.'vin  and  not  stay  round 
here  in  this  lazy,  shiftless  \v,\y,  pizenin  the  moral 
atmosphere  with  your  pestifroUij  id^.es  !  You  wimin 
folks  go  back  to  your  lawful  huiibands  if  you've  got 
any,  and  take  orf  them  skanderlous  gownds  and 
trowsis,  and  dress  respectful  like  other  wimiu.  You 
men  folks,  cut  orf  them  pirattercal  whiskers,  burn 
up  them  infurnel  pamplits,  put  sum  weskuts  on,  go 
to  work  choppin  wood,  splittin  fence  rales,  or  tillin 
the  sile.  I  pored  4th  my  indignashun  in  this  way 
till  I  got  out  of  breth,  when  I  stopt.  I  shant  go  to 
Berlin  Hites  agin,  not  if  I  live  to  be  as  old  as  Me- 
thooseler. 


SCANDALOUS  DOINGS  AT  PITTSBURGH. 

Hear  in  the  Buzzum  of  my  famerlj  I  am  enjojin 
myself,  at  peas  with  awl  mankind  and  the  wimmin 
folks  likewize.  I  go  down  to  the  village  ockashunly 
and  take  a  little  old  Rye  fur  the  stummuck'ssake, 
but  I  avoyd  spiritus  lickers  as  a  ginral  thing.  No 
man  evir  seen  me  intossikated  but  ouct,  and  that  air 
happind  in  Pittsburg.  A  parsel  of  ornery  cusses  in 
that  luvly  sity  bustid  inter  the  hawl  durin  the  nite 
and  aboosed  my  Avax  works  shaimful.  I  didnt  ob- 
Barve  the  outrajus  transacshuns  ontil  the  next  evening 
when  the  peple  begun  for  to  kongregate.  Suddinly 
thay  kommensed  fur  to  larf  and  holler  in  a  boyster- 
ious  stile.  Sezlgood  peple  wha'tsup?  Sez  thay 
them's  grate  wax  wurks,  isn't  they,  old  man.  I  imme- 
jitly  looked  up  ter  whare  the  wax  works  was  and 
my  blud  biles  as  I  think  of  the  site  which  then  met 


82  SCANDALOUS  DOINGS  AT  PITTSBURGH. 

my  Gase.  I  hope  two  be  dodrabbertid  if  them 
afoursed  raskals  hadent  gone  and  put  a  old  kaved  in 
hat  onter  George  Washington's  hed  and  shuved  a 
short  black  klaj  pipe  inter  his  mouth.  His  noze 
thay  had  painted  red  and  his  trowsis  legs  thay  had 
shuvd  inside  his  butes.  My  wax  figger  of  Na- 
poleon Boneypart  was  likewise  mawltreatid.  His 
sword  wus  danglin  tween  his  legs,  his  cockd  hat  was 
drawn  klean  down  over  his  ize,and  he  was  plased  in 
a  stoopin  posishun  lookin  zactly  as  tho  he  was  as 
drunk  as  a  biled  owl.  Ginral  Tayler  was  a  standin 
on  his  hed  and  Wingfield  Skott's  koat  tales  ware 
pind  over  his  hed  and  his  trowsis  ware  kompleetly 
torn  orf  frum  hisself  My  wax  works  representin  the 
Lord's  Last  Supper  was  likewise  aboozed.  Three 
of  the  Postles  ware  under  the  table  and  two  of  urn 
had  on  old  tarpawlin  hats  and  faggid  pee  jackits 
iand  ware  smokin  pipes.  Judus  Iskarriot  had  on  a 
cocked  hat  and  was  appeerently  drinkin,  as  a  Bottle 
of  whisky  set  befour  him.  This  ere  specktercal 
was  too  much  fur  me.  I  klosed  the  show  and  then 
Jrowndid  my  sorrers  in  the  flowin  Bole 


"Oh   stay,  Sir,  stayI"  sed   a  tall  gawnt   femail.     \f^ 
Page  101.] 


\ 
A  VISIT  TO  BKIGHAM  YOUNG. 


It  is  now  goin  on  2  (too)  yeres,  as  I  very  well, 
remember,  since  I  crossed  the  Planes  for  Kaliforny, 
the  Brite  land  of  Jold.  While  crossin  the  Planes 
all  so  bold  I  fell  in  with  sum  noble  red  men  of  the 
forest  (N.  B.  This  is  rote  Sarcasticul.  Injins  is 
Pizin,  whar  ever  found,)  which  thay  Sed  I  was  their 
Brother,  &  wantid  for  to  smoke  the  Calomel  of 
Peace  with  me.  Thay  then  stole  my  jerkt  beef, 
blankits,  etsettery,  skalpt  my  orgin  grinder  &  scoot- 
ed with  a  Wild  Hoop.  Durin  the  Cheaf 's  techin 
speech  he  sed  he  shood  meet  me  in  the  Happy  Hunt- 
in  Grounds.  If  he  duz  thare  will  be  a  fite.  But 
enuff  of  this  ere.  Reven  Noose  Muttons,  as  our 
skoolmaater,  who  has  got  Talent  into  him,  cussy- 
cally  obsarve. 

I  arrove  at  Salt  Lake  in  doo  time.      At    Damp 

Scott  there  was  a  lot  of  U.  S.  sojers,  hosstensibly 
/  8 


i6  A  VISIT  TO  BRIGHAM  YOUNG. 

sent  out  thare  to  smash  the  mofmons  but  really  to 
eat  Salt  vittles  &  play  poker  &  other  beautiful  but 
sum  what  onsartin  games.  I  got  acquainted  with  sum 
of  the  officers.  Thay  lookt  putty  scrumpshua  in 
their  Bloo  coats  with  brass  buttings  onto  um  &  ware 
very  talented  drinkers,  but  so  fur  as  fitin  is  consarn- 
ed  I'd  willingly  put  my  wax  figgers  agin  the  hull 
party. 

*  My  desire  was  to  exhibit  my  grate  show  in  Salt 
Lake  City,  so  I  called  on  Brigham  Yung,  the  grate 
mogull  amung  the  mormins,  and  axed  his  permishun 
to  pitch  my  tent  and  onfurl  my  banner  to  the  jentle 
breezis.  He  lookt  at  me  in  a  austeer  manner  for  a 
few  minits,and  sed : 

"  Do  you  bleeve  in  Solomon,  Saint  Paul,  the  im- 
maculateness  of  the  Mormin  Church  and  the  Latter- 
day  Revelashuns  ?  " 

Sez  I,  "  Fm  on  it !  "  I  make  it  a  pint  to  git 
along  plesunt,  tho  I  didn't  know  what  under  the  Son 
the  old  feller  was  drivin  at.     He  sed  I  mite  show. 

"  You  air  a  marrid  man,  Mister  Yung,  I  blcevc  ?  " 
•ez  I,  preparin  to  rite  him  sum  free  parsis. 


A  VISIT  TO  BRIGHAM  rOUNQ  97 

"  I  hev  eight  J  wives,  Mister  Ward.     I  sertinlj 
am  marrid." 

"  How  do  you  like  it  as  far  a3  you  Lev  got  ?  " 
sed  I. 

lie  sed  ''middlin,"  and  axed  me  wouldn't  I  like 
to  see  his  flxmerly,  to  which  I  replide  that  I  wouldn't 
mind  min2;lin  with  the  fair  Seek  &  Barskin  in  the 
winnin  smiles  of  his  interestin  wives.  He  accord- 
ingly tuk  m3  to  his  Scireura.  The  house  is  power- 
ful hig  &  in  a  exceedin  large  room  was  his  wives  & 
children, which  larst  was  squawkin  and  hollerin  enufi 
to  take  the  roof  rite  orf  the  house.  The  wimin 
was  of  all  sizes  and  ages.  Sum  was  pretty  &  sum 
was  plane  —  sum  was  helthy  and  sum  was  on  the 
Wayne  —  which  is  verses,  tho  sich  was  not  my  in- 
tentions, as  1  don't  'prove  of  puttin  verses  in  Froze 
rittins,  tho  ef  occashun  requires  I  can  Jerk  a  Poim 
tkal  to  any  of  them  Atlantic  Munthly  fellers. 

*'  My  wives,  Mister  Ward,"  sed  Yung. 

"  Your  sarvant,  marms,"  sed  I,  as  I  sot  down  in 
a  cheer  which  a  red-heded  female  brawt  me. 

"  Besides  these  wives  you  see  here,  Mister  Ward.* 


98  A  VISIT  TO  BRIGHAM  YOUNQ 

Bed  Yung,  "  I  hav  eighty  more  in  varis  .parts  of  this 
consecrated  land  which  air  Sealed  to  me." 

*'  Which  ?  "  sez  I,  gittin  up  &  starin  at  him. 

"Sealed,  Sir! sealed." 

*' Wharebowts?"  sez  I. 

*'Ised,  Sir,  that  they  was  sealed!,"  He  spoke 
in  a  traggerdy  voice. 

"  Will  they  probly  continner  on  in  that  stile  to 
any  grate  extent,  Sir?  "  I  axed. 

"  Sir,"  sed  he  furnin  as  red  as  a  biled  beet, 
"don't  you  know  that  the  rules  of  our  Church  is 
that  I,  the  Profit,  may  hev  as  meny  wives  as  I 
wants?" 

"  Jes  so,"  I  sed.     "  You  are  old  pie,  ain't  you  ?  " 

"  Them  as  is  Sealed  to  me —  that  is  to  say,  to  be 
mine  when  I  wants  um  —  air  at  present  my  sperret- 
ooul  wives,"  sed  Mister  Yung. 

"  Long  may  thay  wave  !  "  sez  I,  seein  I  shood  git 
into  a  scrape  ef  I  didn't  look  out. 

In  a  privit  conversashun  with  Brigham  I  learnt 
ihe  follerin  fax  :  It  takes  him  six  weeks  to  kiss  hia 
wives.     He  don't  do  it  :)nly  onct  a  yere  &  sez  it  is 


A  VISIT  TO  BRIGHAM  YOUNG.  99 

WUS3  nor  cleanin  bouse.  -  He  don't  pretend  to  know 
his  children,  thare  is  so  many  of  um,  tho  they  all 
know  him.  He  sez  about  every  child  he  meats  call 
him  Par,  &  he  takes  it  for  grantid  it  is  so.  H'a 
wives  air  very  expensiv.  Thay  allers  want  suthin 
&  of  he  don't  buy  it  for  um  thay  set  the  house  in  a 
uproar.  He  sez  he  don't  have  a  minit's  peace.  His 
wives  fite  amung  theirselves  so  much  that  he  has 
bilt  a  fitin  room  for  thare  speshul  benefit,  &  when  too 
of 'em  get  into  a  row  he  has  em  turnd  loose  into 
that  place,  whare  the  dispoot  is  settled  accordin  to 
the  rules  of  the  London  prize  ring.  Sumtimes  thay 
abooz  hisself  individooally.  Thay  hev  pulled  the 
most  of  his  hair  out  at  the  roots  &  he  wares  meny 
a  honible  scar  upon  his  body,  inflicted  with  mop- 
handles,  broom-sticks  and  sich.  Occashunly  they 
git  mad  &  scald  him  with  bilin  hot  water.  When 
he  got  eny  waze  cranky  thay'd  shut  him  up  in  a 
dark  closit,  previsly  whippin  him  arter  the  stile  of 
muthers  when  thare  orfsprings  git  onruly.  Sum- 
times  when  he   went  in  swimmin  thay'd  go  to  the 

banks  of  Ihe  Lake  &  steal  all  his  close,  thereby  com- 
8* 


100  A  VISIT  TO  BRIGHAM  YOUNG. 

'pellin  him  to  sneek  home  by  a  sircootius  rowt,  drest 
in  the  Skanderlus  stile  of  the  Greek  Slaiv.  "I 
find  that  the  Koers  of  a  marrid  life  way  hevy  onto 
me,"  sed  the  Profit,  "  &  sumtimes  I  wish  Td  re- 
maned singel."  I  left  the  Profit  and  startid  for  the 
tavern  whare  I  put  up  to.  On  my  way  I  was  over- 
tuk  by  a  lurge  krowd  of  Mormons,  which  they  sur- 
roundid  me  &  statid  that  they  were  goin  into  the 
Show  free. 

"  Wall,"  sez  I,  "  ef  I  find  a  individooal  who  is 
goin  round  lettin  folks  into  his  show  free,  I'll  let 
you  know." 

"We've  had  a  Revelashun  biddin  us  go  into  A. 
Ward's  Show  without  payin  nothin  !  "  thay  showtid. 

"Yes,"  hollered  a  lot  of  femaile  Mormonesses, 
eeasin  me  by  the  cote  tales  &  swingin  me  round  very 
rapid,  "we're  all  goin  in  free!  So  sez  the  Reve- 
lashun !  " 

"  What's  Old  Revelashun  got  to  do  with  my 
Show?"  sez  I,  gittin  putty  rily.  "Tell  Mister 
Revelashun,"  sed  I,  drawin  myself  up  to  my  full 
bite  and  lookin  round  upon  the  ornery  krowd  with  a 


A  VISIT  TO  BRIGHAM  YOUNG.  101 

prowd  &  defiant  mean,  '•  tell  Mister  Revelashun  to 
mind  his  own  bizness,  subject  only  to  the  Konstitu- 
shun  of  the  Unitid  States! " 

"  Oh  now  let  us  in,  that^s  a  sweet  man,"  sed  sev- 
eral femails,  puttin  thare  arms  rownd  me  in  luvin 
stile.  *'  Becum  1  of  us  "Becum  a  Preest  &  hav 
wives  Sealed  to  you." 

"  Not  a  Seal !  "  sez  I,  startin  back  in  horror  at 
the  idee. 

"  Oh  stay,  Sir,  stay,"  sed  a  tall,  gawnt  femaile, 
ore  whoos  hed  37  summirs  must  hev  parsd,  "  stay, 
&  rilbe  your  Jentle  Gazelle." 

**Not  ef  I  know  it,  you  won't,"  sez  I.  "  Awa 
you  skanderlus  femaile,  awa !  Go  &  be  a  Nun- 
nery !  "     That's  what  I  sed,  jes  so. 

*'  &  I,"  sed  a  fat  chunky  femaile,  who  must  hev 
wade  more  than  too  hundred  lbs.,  ''I  will  be  your 
sweet  gidin  Star  !  " 

Sez  I,  "  He  bet  two  dollers  and  a  half  you 
won't !  "  Whare  ear  I  may  Rome  He  still  be  tioo 
2  thee,  Oh  Betsy  Jane  !  [N.  B  Betsy  Jane  is  my 
wife's  Sir  naime.] 


102  A  VISIT  TO  BRIGHAM  YOUNG. 

"  Wiltist  thou  not  tarry  hear  in  the  Promist 
Land?  "  seel  several  of  the  miserabil  critters. 

'•  He  see  you  all  essenshally  cussed  be  4 1  wiltist !  " 
roared  I,  as  mad  as  I  cood  be  at  thare  infernul  non- 
cents.  I  girdid  up  my  Lions  &  fled  the  Seen.  I 
packt  up  mj  duds  &  left  Salt  Lake,  which  is  a  2nd 
Soddum  &  Germorrer,  inhabitid  by  as  theavin  & 
onprinoipled  a  set  of  retchis  as  ever  drew  Breth  in 
eny  spot  on  the  Globe. 


THE  CENSUS. 

The  Sences  taker  in  our  town  bein  taken  sick  he 
deppertised  me  to  go  out  for  him  one  day,  and  as  he 
was  too  ill  to  giv  me  informashun  how  to  perceed,  I 
was  consekentlj  compelled  to  go  it  blind.  Sittir 
down  by  the  road  side  I  drawd  up  the  follerin  list  of 
questions  which  I  proposed  to  ax  the  peple  I  vis- 
ited : 

Wat's  your  age  ? 

Whar  was  you  born  ? 

Air  yon  marrid,  and  if  so  how  do  you  like  it  ? 

How  many  children  hav  you,  and  do  they  suffi- 
ciently resemble  you  as  to  proclood  the  possibility  of 
their  belongin  to  any  of  your  nabers  ? 

Did  you  ever  hav  the  measels,  and  if  so  how 
many  ? 

Hav  you  a  twin  brother  several  years  older  than 
yourself  ?     , 


104  THE  CENSUS. 

How  many  parents  hav  you  ? 

Do  you  read  Watt's  Hims  regler  ? 

Do  you  use  bough  ten  tobacker  ? 

Wat's  your  fitin  wate  ? 

Air  you  trubeld  with  biles  ? 

IIow  does  your  meresham  culler  ? 

State  whether  you  air  blind,  deaf,  idiotic  or  got 
the  heaves  ? 

Do  you  know  any  Opry  singers,  and  if  so  how 
much  do  they  owe  you  ? 

What's  the  average  of  virtoo  on  the  Ery  Ca- 
nawl  ? 

If  4  barrils  of  Emptins  pored  onto  a  barn  floor 
will  kiver  it  how  many  plase  can  Dion  Boureicault 
write  in  a  year  ? 

Is  Beans  a  regler  article  of  diet  in  your  family? 

How  many  chickins  hav  you,  on  foot  and  in  the 
shell  ? 

Air  you  aware  that  Injianny  whisky  is  used  in 
New  York  shootin  galrys  instid  of  pistils,  and  thati 
^oots  furthest  ? 

Was  you  ever  at  Niagry  Falls  ? 


THE  CENSUS.  105 

Was  you  ever  in  the  Penitentiary  ? 

State  how  much  pork,  impendin  crysis,  Dutch 
cheeze,  popler  suvrinty,  standard  poetry,  childrens' 
strainer's,  slave  code,  catnip,  red  flannel,  ancient 
histry,  pickled  tomaters,  old  junk,  perfoomery,  coal 
ile,  liberty,  hoop  skirt,  &c.,  you  hav  on  hand? 

But  it  didn't  work.  I  got  into  a  row  at  the  fust 
house  I  stopt  to,  with  some  old  maids.  Disbelieven 
the  ansers  they  giv  in  regard  to  their  ages  I  en- 
devered  to  open  their  mouths  and  look  at  their  teeth, 
same  as  they  do  with  hosses,  but  they  floo  into  a  vi- 
lent  rage  and  tackled  me  with  brooms  and  sich. 
Takin  the  senses  requires  experiunse,  like  any  othei 
bizniss. 


AN  HONEST  LIVING. 

I  was  on  my  way  from  the  mines  to  San  Fran- 
ciscO;  with  a  light  puss  and  a  hevy  hart.  You'd 
scarcely  hav  recognized  my  fair  form,  so  kiverd  was 
I  with  dust.  Bimeby  I  met  Old  Poodles,  tne  ali- 
firdist  gambler  in  the  country.  He  was  afoot  and  in 
his  shirt  sleeves,  and  was  in  a  wuss  Jarther*  nor  any 
race  boss  I  "ever  saw. 

"  Whither  goist  thow,  sweet  nimp?  "  sez  I,  in  a 
play-actin  tone. 

"  To  the  mines,  Sir,"  he  unto  me  did  say,"  to  the 
mines,  to  earn  an  honest  living 

Thinks  I  that  air  aint  very  cool,  I  guess,  and 
druv  on. 


THE  PRESS. 

I  want  the  editers  to  cum  to  my  Show  free  as  the 
flours  of  May,  but  I  don't  want  um  to  ride  a  fre©^ 
boss  to  deth.  Thare  is  times  when  Patience  seizes 
to  be  virtoous.  I  hev  "  in  my  mind's  eye,  Hur- 
rashio"  (cotashun  from  Hamlick)  sum  editers  in  a 
sertin  t6wn  which  shall  be  nameless,  who  air  Both 
sneakin  and  ornery.  They  cum  in  krowds  to  my 
Show  and  then  axt  me  ten  sents  a  lines  for  Pufl&. 
I  objectid  to  payin,  but  they  sed  ef  I  didn't  down 
with  the  dust  thay'd  wipe  my  Show  from  the  face  of 
the  earth  !  Thay  sed  the  Press  was  the  Arkyme- 
dian  Leaver  which  moved  the  wurld.  I  put  up  to 
their  extorshuns  until  thay'd  bled  me  so  I  was  a 
nicer  shadder^and  left  in  disgust. 

It  was  in  a  surtin  town  in  Virginny,  the  Muther    - 
of   Presidents   &  things,   that   I  was    shaimfully 
9 


108  ^  THE  PEESS. 

aboozed  by  a  editor  in  human  form.  He  set  my 
Show  up  steep  &  kalled  me  the  urbane  &  gentle- 
munly  manajer,  but  when  I,  fur  the  purpuss  of 
showin  fair  play  all  around,  went  to  anuther  offisa 
to  git  my  handbills  printed,  what  duz  this  pussilla- 
nermus  editer  do  but  change  his  toon  &  abooze  me 
like  a  Injun.  He  sed  my  wax  wurks  was  a  humbug 
&  called  me  a  horey-heded  itinerent  vagabone.  I 
thort  at  fust  Ide  pollish  him  orf  ar-lar  the  Beneki 
Boy,  but  on  rejflectin  that  he  cood  pollish  me  much 
wuss  in  his  paper,  I  giv  it  up.  &  I  wood  here  take 
occashun  to  advise  peple  when  thay  run  agin,  as  thay 
sumtimes  will,  these  miserable  papers,  to  not  pay  no 
attenshun  to  urn.  Abuv  all,  don't  assault  a  editer 
of  this  kind.  It  only  gives  him  a  notorosity,  which 
is  jest  what  he  wants,  &  don't  do  you  no  more  good 
than  it  wood  to .  jump  into  enny  other  mud  puddle. 
Editers  are  generally  fine  men,  but  there  must  ba 
black  sheep  in  every  flock. 


"Fair  Youth,  do  you  know  wnoT  I'd  do  with  tou  if  you 
vvAS  MY  SUN  ?"     [See  Page  112.] 


EDWIN  FORliEST  AS   OTFELLO.       • 

Durin  a  recent  visit  to  New  York  the  undersined 
went  to  see  Edwin  Forrest.  As  I'm  into  the  moral 
show  bizness  myself,  I ginrallj goto  Barnum's  moral 
Museum,  where  only  moral  peple  air  admitted,  par- 
tickly  on  ¥f  ednesday  arternoons.  But  this  time  I 
thot  I'd  g^y  &  see  Ed.  Ed  has  bin  actin  out  on  the 
stage  for  many  years.  There  is  varis  'pinions  about 
his  a<jtin,  Englishmen  ginrally  bleevin  that  he  is  hr 
superior  to  Mister  Macready ;  but  on  one  pint  al] 
Agree,  &  that  is  that  Ed  draws  like  a  six  ox  team. 
Ed  was  actin  at  Niblo's  Garding,  which  looks  con- 
siderable more^like  a  'parster  than  a  garding,  but  let 
that  pars.  I  sot  down  in  the  pit,  took  out  my  spec- 
tacles &  commenced  peroosin  the  evenili's  bill.  The 
awjince  was  all-fired  large  &  the  boxes  was  full  of 
the  elitty  of  New  York.  Sevral  opery  glasses  waa 
leveld  at  me  by  Gothum's  fairest  darters,  but  I 


\ 


112  EDWIN  FORREST  AS  OTHELLO. 

didn't  let  on  as  tho  I  noticed  it,  tho  mebby  I  did  take 
out  my  sixteen-dollar  silver  watch  &  brandish  it 
round  more  than  was  necessary.  But  the  best  of 
us  has  our  weaknesses  &  if  a  man  has  gewelry  let 
him  show  it.  As  I  was  pcroosin  the  bill  a  grave 
young  man  who  sot  near  .me,  axed  me  if  I'd  ever 
seen  Forrest  dance  the  Essence  of  Old  Virginny  ?'' 
"  He's  immense  in  that,"  sed  the  Jjoung  man.  "  He 
also  does  a  fair  champion  jig,"  the  yaung  man  con- 
tinnerd,"buthis  Big  Thing  is  the  Essence  of  Old 
Virginny."  .  Sez  I,  "  Fair  youth,  do  jO^  know 
what  I'd  do  with  you  if  you  was  my  sun?  " 
"  No,"  sez  he.' 
J'  Wall,"  sez  I,  •'  I'd  appint  your  funeral  t^ 
morrow  arternoon  &  the  korps  should  be  ready ! 
You're  too  smart  to  live  on  this  yearth."  He  didn't 
try  any  more  of  his  caperf  on  me.  But  an- 
other pussylanermuss  individooul,  in  a  r€^d  yest  & 
patent  lether  boots,  told  me  his  name  was  Bill  Astor 
&  axed  me  to  lend  him  50  cents  till  early  in  the 
mornin.  I  told  him  I'd  probly  send  it  round  tc  him 
before  he  retired  to  his  virtoous  couch,  but  •  if  I 


EDWIN  FORREST  AS  OTHELLO.  118 

didn't  he  might  look  for  it  next  fall,  as  soon  as  I  cut 
my  corn.  The  Orchestry  was  now  fiddling  with  all 
their  might,  &  as  the  peple  didn't  understan  any- 
thing about  it  they  applaudid  versifrussly.  Present- 
ly, Old  Ed  cum  out.  The  play  was  Otheller  or 
More  of  Yeniss.  Otheller  was  writ  by  Wm.  Shaks- 
pcer.  The  scene  is  laid  in  Veniss.  Otheller  was  a 
likely  man  &  was  a  ginral  in  the  Veniss  army.  He 
eloped  with  Desdemony,  a  darter  of  the  Hon.  Mis- 
ter Brabantio,  who  represented  one  of  the  back  dis- 
*  tricks  in  theVeneshun  legislator.  Old  Brabantio 
was  as  mad  as  thunder  at  this'  &  tore  round  consid- 
erable, but  finally  cooled  down,  tellin  Otheller,  how- 
sever,  that  Desdemony  had  come  it  over  her  Par,  & 
that  he  had  better  look  out  or  she'd  come  it  over  him 
likewise.  Mr.  &  Mrs.  Otheller  git  along  very  com- 
fortable like  for  a  spell.  She  is  sweet-tempered  and 
luvin  —  a  nice,  sensible  female,  never  goin  in  for 
he-feinale  conventions,  green  cotton  umbrellers  and 
pickled  beats.  Otheller  is  a  good  provider  and 
thinks  all  the  world  of  his  wife.  She  has  a  lazy 
time  of  it,  the  hired  girl  doin  all  the  cookin  and 
9* 


114  EDWIN  FORREST  AS  OTHELLO. 

was}] in.  Desdemonj,  in  fact,  don't  hav  to  git  the 
water  to  wash  her  own  hands  with.  But  a  low  cuss 
named  logo,  who  I  hleeve  wants  to  git  Othellcr  out 
of  his  snug  government  birth,  now  goes  to  work  & 
upsets  the  Otheller  family  in  the  most  outrajus 
Btile.  lago  falls  in  with  a  braneless  youth  named 
Roderigo  &  wins  all  his  money  at  poker.  (lago  al- 
lers  played  foul.)  He  thus  got  money  enuff  to  carry 
out  his  onprincipled  skeem.  Mike  Cassio,  a  Irish 
man,  is  selected  as  a  tool  by  lago.  Mike  was  a  clever 
feller  &  orficer  in  Otheller's  army.  He  liked  his 
tods  too  well,  howsever,  &  they  floored  him,  as  Ihej 
have  many  other  promisin  young  men.  lago  in- 
juces  Mike  to  drink  with  him,  lago  slyly  throwin 
his  whisky  over  his  shoulder.  Mike  gits  as  drunk 
as  a  biled  owl  &  allows  that  he  can  lick  a  yard  full 
of  the  Veneshun  fancy  before  breakfast,  without 
Bweatin  a  hair.  He  meets  Roderigo  &  proceeds  for 
tt  smash  him.  A  feller  named  Montano  undertakes 
to  slap  Cassio,  when  that  infatooated  person  runs  his 
Bword  into  him.  That  miserble  man,  Iago,.pretents 
to  be  very  sorry  to  see  Mike  sonduck  hisself  in  this 


EDWIN  FORREST  AS  OTHELLO  llfi  ' 

way,  &  undertakes  to  smooth  the  thing  over  to 
Otheller,  who  rushes  in  with  a  drawn  sword  &  .wants 
to  know  what's  up.  lago  cunninly  tells  his  story, 
&  Otheller  tells.  Mike  that  he  thinks  a  good  deal  of 
him  but  he  can't  train  no  more  in  his  regiment.  Desde- 
mony  sympathises  with  poor  Mike  &  interceeds  for  him  ■ 
with  Otheller.  lago  makes  him  bleeve  she  does  this 
because  she  thinks  more  of  Mike  than  she  does  of 
hisself.  Otheller  s wallers  lago's  lyin  tail  &  goes 
to  makin  a  noosence  of  hisself  ginrally.  He  wor- 
ries poor  Desdemony  terrible  by  his  vile  insinua- 
tions &  finally  smothers  her  to  deth  with  a  piller. 
Mrs.  lago  cums  in  just  as  Otheller  has  finished  the 
fowl  deed  &  givs  him  fits  right  &  left,  shov/in  him 
that  he  has  bin  orfully  gulled  by  her  miserble  cuss 
of  a  husband.  lago  cums  in,  &  his  wife  com- 
mences rakin  him  aown  also,  when  he  stabs  her. 
Otheller  jaws  him  a  spell  &  then  cuts  a  small  hole 
in  his  stummick  with  his  iword.  lago  pints  to  Des- 
demony's  deth  bed  &  goes  orf  with  a  sardonic  smile 
onto  his  countenance.  Otheller  tells  the  peple  that  he 
has  dun  the  state  sum  service  &  they  know  it ;  axes 


116  EDWIN  FORREST  AS  OTHELLO. 

tliem  to  do  as  fair  a  thing  as  they  can  for  him  un- 
der the  circumstances,  &  kills  hisself  with  a  fish- 
knife,  Tvhich  is  the  most  sensible  thing  he  can  do. 
This  is  a  breef  skedule  of  the  synopsis  of  the  play. 

Edwin  Forrest  is  a  grate  acter.  I  thot  I  saw 
Otheller  before  me  all  the  time  he  was  actin,  &  when 
the  curtin  fell,  I  found  my  spectacles  was  still  mis- 
tened  with  salt-water,  which  had  run  from  my  eyes 
while  poor  Desdemony  was  dyin.  Betsy  Jane  — 
Betsy  Jane  !  let  us  pray  that  our  domestic  bliss  may 
never  be  busted  up  by  a  lago  ! 

Edwin  Forrest  makes  money  -actin  out  on  the 
stage.  He  gits  five-hundred  dollars  a  nite  &  his 
board  &  washin.  I  wish  I  had  such  a  Forrest  in  my 
Garding  ! 


THE  SHOW  BUSINESS  AND  POPULAR  LEC- 
TURES* 

I  feel  that  the  Show  Bizniss,  which  Ive  stroven 
to  ornjment,  is  bein  usurpt  by  Poplar  Lecturs,  aa 
thaj  air  kalled,  tho  in  my  pinion  thay  air  poplar 
Tiumbugs.  Individooiils,  who  git  hard  up,  embark 
in  the  lecturin  biznis.  Thay  cram  theirselves  with 
hi  soundin  frazis,  frizzle  up  their  hare,  git  trustid 
for  a  soot  of  black  close  &  cum  out  to  lectur  at  50 
dollers  a  pop.  Thay  aint  over  stockt  with  branes, 
but  thay  hav  brass  enuff  to  make  suffishunt  kittles 
to  bile  all  the  sope  that  will  be  required  by  the  en- 
sooin  sixteen  ginerashuns.  Peple  flock  to  heer  um 
in  krowds.  The  men  go  becawz  its  poplar  &  the 
wimin  folks  go  to  see  what  other  wimin  folks  havo 
on.     When  its  over  the  lecturer  goze  &  ragales  his- 

*  It  is  proper  to  say  that  Mr.  "Ward  has  recently  found  oc- 
casion to  change  liia  mind  on  this  subject. 


118       THE  SHOW  BUSINESS  AND  POPULAR  LECTURES' 

self  with  oysters  and  sich,  while  the  peple  say 
"  What  a  charmin  lectur  that  air  was/'  etsetterj  et 
settery,  when  9  out  of  10  of  um  don't  have  no 
moore  idee  of  what  the  lecturer  sed  than  my  kan- 
geroo  has  of  the  sevunth  speer  of  hevun.  Thare'g 
moore  infurmashun  to  be  gut  out  of  a  well  conduct- 
id  noospaper —  price  3  sents — than  thare  is  out  oi 
ten  poplar  lectures  at  25  or  50  dollers  a  pop,  as  the 
kase  may  be.  These  same  peple,  bare  in  mind 
stick  up  their  nosis  at  moral  wax  figgers  &  sagashua 
beests.  Thay  say  these  things  is  low.  Gents,  it 
greeves  my  hart  in  my  old  age,  when  I'm  in  ' '  the 
Sheer- &  yeller  leef  "  (to  cote  frum  my  Irish  frend 
Mister  McBeth)  to  see  that  the  Show  biznis  is  pritty 
much  plade  out.  howsomever  I  shall  chance  it  agane 
in  the  Spring. 


% 


WOMAN'S    RIGHTS. 

I  pitcht  my  tent  in  a  small  town  in  Injianny  one 
day  last  seeson,  &  while  I  was  standin  at  the  dore 
takin  money,  a  deppytashun  of  ladies  came  up  & 
sed  they  wos  members  of  the  Bunkumville  Female 
Moral  Reformin  &  Wimin's  Rite's  Associashun,  and 
thay  axed  me  if  they  cood  go  in  without  pay  in. 

'*  Not  exactly,"  sez  I,  "  but  you  can  pay  without 
goin  in." 

''  Dew  you  know  who  we  air?"  said  one  of  the 
wimin  —  a  tall  and  feroshus  lookin  critter,  with  a 
blew  kotton  umbreller  under  her  arm — "do  you 
know  who  we  air  Sir  ?  " 

"  My  impreshun  is,"  sed  I.  "  fromakersery  view, 
that  you  air  females." 

"  We  air,  Sur,"  said  the  feroshus  woman  — ■ 
'*  we  belong  to  a  Society  whitch  beleeves  wimin  has 


120  WOMAN'S  RIGHTS. 

rites  —  which,  beleeves  in  razin  her  to  her  proper 
speer  —  whitch  beleeves  she  is  indowed  with  aa 
much  mtelleck  as  man  is  —  whitch  beleeves  she  is 
trampled  on  and  aboozed  —  &  who  will  resist  hen- 
sod  th  &  forever  the  incroachments  of  proud  &  domi- 
neering men." 

Durin  her  discourse,  the  exsentric  female  grabed 
me  bj  the  coat-kollor  &  was  swinging  her  umbrellcr 
wildly  over  mj  hed. 

''  I  hope,  marm,  sez  I,  starting  back,  *'  that  your 
intensions  is  honorable  ?  I'm  a  lone  man  hear  in  a 
strange  place.     Besides,  Ive  a  wife  to  hum." 

"  Yes,"  cried  the  female,  ''  &  she's  a  slave  ! 
Doth  she  never  dream  of  freedom  —  doth  she  never 
think  of  thro  win  of  the  yoke  of  tyrrinny  &  thinkin 
&  votin  for  herself  ?  —  Doth  she  never  think  of 
these  here  things? " 

"  Not  bein  a  natral  born  fool,"  sed  I,  by  this 
time  a  little  riled,  "  I  kin  safely  say  that  she  dothunt." 
•  "  0  whot  —  whot !  "  screamed  the  female,  swing- 
in  her  umbrellcr  in  the  air.  0,  what  is  the  price 
that  woman  pays  for  her  expeeriunce  !  "_ 


WOMAN'S  RIGHTS.  121 

"  I  don't  know,"  sez  I ;  "the  price  to  my  show 
is  15  cents  pur  individooal." 

"  &  can't  our  Sosiety  go  in  free  ?  "  asked  the  fe- 
male. 

''Notif  Iknowit,"  sedl. 

"  Crooil,  crooil  man ! "  she  cried,  &  bust  into 
teers. 

''  Won't  you  let  my  darter  in?  "  sed  anuther  of 
the  exsentric  wimin,  taken  me  afeckshunitely  by  the 
hand.  "0,  please  let  my  darter  in,  —  shoe's  a  sweet 
gushin  child  of  natur." 

"Let  her  gush!  "  roared  I,  as  mad  as  I  cood 
stick  at  their  tarnal  nonsense;  "let  her  gush!'' 
"Where  upon  they  all  sprung  back  with  the  simulta- 
nious  observashun  that  I  was  a  Beest. 

"  My  female  friends,"  sed  I,  "  be4  you  leeve,  Ive 
a  few  remarks  to  remark  ;  wa  them  well.  The  fe- 
male woman  is  one  of  the  greatest  institooshuns  of 
which  this  land  can  boste.  It's  onpossible  to  get 
along  without  her. .  Had  there  bin  no  female  wimin 
in  the  world,  I  should  scarcely  bei  here  with  my  un- 
paraleld  show  on  this  very  occashun.  She  is  good 
10 


122  WOMAN'S  EIGHTS. 

in  sickness  —  good  in  wellness  —  good  all  the  time 
0,  woman,  woman  !  "  I  cried,  my  feelins  worked 
up  to  a  hi  poetick  pitch,  "  you  air  a  angle  when  you 
behave  yourself ;  but  when  you  take  oflf  your  prop- 
er appairel  &  (mettyforically  speaken)  —  get  into 
panty loons  —  when  you  desert  your  firesides,  &  with 
your  beds  full  of  wimin's  rites  noshuns  go  round 
like  roarin  lyona,  seekin  whom  you  may  devour 
someboddy  —  in  short,  when  you  undertake  to  play 
the  man,  you  play  the  devil  and  air  an  emfatic  noo- 
sance.  My  female  friends,'*  I  continnered,  as  they 
were  indignantly  departin,  "  wa  well  what  A.  WarJ 
has  sed ! " 


WOULD-BE  SEA  DOGS. 

Sum  of  the  captings  on  the  Upper  Ohio  River 
put  on  a  heep  of  airs.  To  hear  'em  git  orf  saler 
lingo  you'd  spose  they'd  bin  on  the  briny  Deep  for 
a  life  time,  when  the  fact  is  they  haint  tasted  salt 
water  since  they  was  infants,  when  they  had  to  take 
it  for  tvorms.  Still  they  air  good  natered  fellers, 
and  when  they  drink  they  take  a  dose  big  enuff  for 
a  grown  person. 


ON  "FORTS." 

Every  man  has  got  a  Fort.  It's  sum  men's  fort, 
to  do  one  thing,  and  sum  other  men's  fort  to  do 
another,  while  there  is  numeris  shiftliss  critters  goin 
round  loose  whose  fort    is  not  to  do  nothin. 

Shakspeer  rote  good  plase,  hut  he  wouldn't  hav 
succeeded  as  a  Washington  correspondent  of  a  New 
York  daily  paper.     He  lackt  the  rekesit  fancy  and 
imagginashun. 
.    That's  so! 

Old  George  Washington's  Fort  was  to  not  hev 
eny  public  man  of  the  present  day  resemble  him  to 
eny  alarmin  extent.  Whare  bowts  can  George's 
ekal  be  fownd  ?  I  ask,  &  boldly  anser  no  whares, 
or  eny  whare  else. 

Old  man  Townsin's  Fort  was  to  maik  Sassyperil- 
ler.  "  Goy  to  the  world  !  anuther  life  saived  !  " 
(Cotashun  from  Townsin's  advertisemunt.) 


Artemus  resoood  from  the  Kanawl.      [See  Page  128. 


ON   "FORTS."  127 

Cyrus  Field^s  Fort  is  to  lay  a  sub-machine  telle- 
graf  under  the  boundin  billers  of  the  Oshun,  and 
then  hev  it  Bust. 

Spaldin's  Fort  is  to  maik  Prepared  Gloo,  which 
mends  everything.  Wonder  ef  it  will  mend  a  sin- 
ner^swickid  waze.     (Impromptoo  goak.) 

Zoary's  Fort  is  to  be  a  femaile  circus  feller. 

My  Fort  is  the  grate  moral  show  bizniss  &  ritin 
choice  famerly  literatoor  for  the  noospapers.  That's 
what's  the  matter  with  me. 

&c.,  &C.J  &c.  So  I  mite  go  on  to  a  indefnit  ex- 
tent. 

Twict   I've   endeverd   to  do   things  which  thay 

wasn't  my  Fort.     The  fust  time  was  when  I  under- 

tuk  to  lick  a  owdashus  cuss  who  cut  a  hole  in  my 

tent  &  krawld  threw.     Sez  I,  '•  my  jentle  Sir  go 

out  or  I  shall  fall  onto  you  putty  bevy."     Sez  he, 

*'  Wade  in,  Old  wax  figgers,"  whareupon  I  went  for 

him,  but  he  cawt  me  powerful  on  the  bed  &  knockt 

me  threw  the  tent  into  a  cow  pastur.     He  pursood 

the  attack  &  flung  me  into  a  mud  puddle.     As  I 

aroze  k  rung  out  my  drencbt  garmints  I  koncluded 
10* 


128  -  ON  "  FORTS." 

5tin  wasn't  my  Fort.  He  now  rize  the  kurtin  upon 
Seen  2nd  :  'It  is  rarely  seldum  that  I  seek  consola- 
tion m  the  Flo  win  Bole.     But  in  a  sertin  town  in 

Injianny  in  the  Faul  of  18 -.  my  orgin  grinder 

got  sick  with  the  fever  &  died.  I  never  felt  so 
ashamed  in  my  life,  &  I  thowt  I'd  hist  in  a  few  swal- 
lers  of  suthin  strengthin.  Konsequents  was  I  hist- 
id  in  so  much  I  dident  zackly  know  whare  bowts  I 
was.  I  turnd  my  livin  wild  beests  of  Pray  loose 
into  the  streets  and  spilt  all  my  wax  wurks.  I  then 
Bet  I  cood  play  boss.  So  I  hitched  myself  to  a 
Kanawl  bote,  there  bein  two  other  bosses  hitcht  on 
also,  one  behind  and  anuther  ahead  of  me.  The 
driver  hollerd  for  us  to  git  up,  and  we  did.  But  the 
■bosses  bein  onused  to  sich  a  arrangemunt  begun  to 
kick  &  squeal  and  rair  up.  KonseqUents  was  I  was 
kickt  vilently  in  the  stummuck  &  back,  and  presunt- 
ly  I  fownd  myself  in  the  Kanawl  with  the  other 
bosses,  kickin  &  yellin  like  a  tribe  of  Cusscaroorus 
avvijis.  I  was  rescood,  &  as  I  was  bein  carrid  to 
the  tavern  on  a  hemlock  Bored  I  sed  in  a  feeble 
voise,  ''  Boys,  playin  boss  isn't  my  Port." 


ON  "FORTS."  129 

MoRUL — Never  don't  do  nothin  which  isn't  your 
Fort,  for  ef  you  do  you'll  find  yourself  splashin 
round  in  the  Kanawl,  figgeratively  speakin. 


PICCOLOMINI. 

Gen'iS  —  I  arroved  in  Cleveland  on  Saturday  P. 
M.  from  Baldinsville  jest  in  time  to  fix  mj^self  up 
and  put  on  a  clean  biled  rag  to  attend  Miss  Pickle- 
homony's  grate  musical  sorry  at  the  Melodeon.  The 
krowds  which  pored  into  the  hall  augured  well  for 
the  show  bisnis.  &  with  cheerful  sperrets  I  jined  the 
enthoosiastic  throng.  I  asked  Mr.  Strakhosh  at  the 
door  i:  he  parst  the  perfession,  and  he  said  not 
much  he  didn't,  whereupon  I  bawt  a  preserved  seat 
in  the  pit,  &  obsarving  to  Mr.  Strakhosh  that  he 
needn't  put  on  so  many  French  airs  becawz  he  run 
with  a  big  show,  and  that  he'd  better  let  his  weskut 
out  a  few  inches  or  perhaps  he'd  bust  liisself  some 
fine  day,  I  went  in  and  squatted  down.  It  was  a  sad 
thawt  to  think  that  in  all  that  vast  aujience  Scacely 
a  Sole  had  the  honor  of  my  acquaintance.     "  &  this 


PICCOLOMINI.  IPl 

ere,"  sed  I  Bitturly,  "  is  Fame  !  Y/liat  sigerfy  my 
wax  figgers  and  livin  wild  beasts  (which  have  no 
ekals)  to  these  peple  ?  What  do  thay  care  becaw25 
a  site  of  my  Kangaroo  is  worth  dubble  the  price  of 
admission,  and  that  my  Snakes  is  as  harmlis  as  the 
new  born  babe  —  all  of  which  is  strictly  troo  —  ?  " 
I  should  have  gone  on  ralein  at  Fortin  and  thlhgs 
sum  more  but  jest  then  Signer  Maccarony  cum  out 
and  sung  a  hairey  from  sum  opry  or  other.  "  He  had 
on  his  store  close  &  looked  putty  slick,  I  must  say. 
Nobody  didn't  understand  nothin  abowt  what  he  sed, 
and  so  they  applawdid  him  versiferusly.  Then  Sig- 
ner Brignoly  cum  out  and  sung  another  hairey. 
He  appeared  to  be  in  a  Pensiv  Mood  &  sung  a  Luv 
song  I  suppose,  tho  he  may  have  been  cussin  the 
aujince  all  into  a  heep  for  aut  I  knewd.  Then  cum 
Mr.  Maccarony  agin  &  Miss  Picklehomony  herself. 
Thay  sang  a  Doit  together. 

Now  you  know,  gents,  that  I  don't  admire  opry 
music.  But  I  like  Miss  Picklehomony' s  stile.  I 
like  her  gate.  She  suits  me.  Thare  has  bin  grater 
singers  and  there  has  bin  more  bootiful  wimin,  but 


182  PICCOLO^nNI. 

no  more  fassinatin  joung  female  ever  longed  for  a 
new  gown  or  side  to  place  her  hed  agin  a  vest  pat- 
tern  than  Maria  Picklehomonj.  Fassinatin  peple  is 
her  best  holt.  She  was  born  to  make  hash  of  men's 
buzzums  &  other  wimin  mad  becawz  thay  ain't  Pick- 
lehomonies.  Her  face  sparkles  with  arauzin  cussed- 
nes^  &  about  200  (two  hundred)  little  bit  of  funny 
devils  air  continually  dancin  champion  jigs  in  hei 
eyes,  said  eyes  bein  brite  enuff  to  lite  a  pipe  by. 
How  I  shood  like  to  have  little  Maria  out  on  my 
farm  in  Baldinsville,  Injianny,  whare  she  cood  run 
in  tlie  tall  grass,  wrastle  with  the  boys,  cut  up  strong 
at  parin  bees,  make  up  faces  behind  the  minister's 
back,  tie  auction  bills  to  the  skoolmaster's  coat-tales, 
set  all  the  fellers  crazy  after  her,  k  holler  k  kick 
up,  &  go  it  just  as  much  as  she  wanted  to  !  But  I 
diegress.  Every  time  she  cum  canterin  out  I  grew 
more  and  more  delighted  with  her.  When  she 
bowed  her  hed  I  bowed  mine.  When  she  powtid 
her  lips  I  powtid  mine.  When  she  larfed  I  larfed. 
When  she  jerked  her  hed  back  and  took  a  lar- 
&n.  survey  of   U  e   aujience,  sendin  a  broadside  of 


PICCOLOMINI.  188 

sassy  smiles  in  among  em,  I  tried  to  iinjint  myself 
&  kollapse.  When,  in  tellin  how  she  drempt  slio 
lived  in  Marble  Halls,  she  sed  it  tickled  her  more 
than  all  the  rest  to  dream  she  loved  her  feller  still 
the  same,  I  made  a  effort  to  swaller  myself ;  but 
when,  in  the  next  song,  she  looked  strate  at  me  & 
called  me  her  Dear,  I  wdldly  told  the  man  next  to 
me  he  mite  hav  my  close,  as  I  shood  never  want  'em 
again  no '  more  in  this  world.  [The  Plain  Dealer 
containin  this  coramunicashun  is  not  to  be  sent  to 
my  famerly  in  Baldinsville  under  no  circumstances 
whatsomever.] 

In  conclushun,  Maria,  I  want  you  to  do  well.  I 
know  you  air  a  nice  gal  at  hart  &  you  must  get  a 
good  husband.  He  must  bo  a  man  of  branes  and 
gumpshun  &  a  good  provider  —  a  man  who  will  luv 
you  strong  and  long  —  a  man  who  will  lav  you  jest 
as  much  in  your  old  age,  when  your  voice  is  cracked 
like  an  old  tea  kittle  &  you  can't  get  1  of  your 
notes  discounted  at  50  per  sent  a  month,  as  he  will 
now,  when  you  are  young  &  charmin  &  full  of  mu- 
sic, sunshine  k  fun.     Don't  marry  a  snob,  Maria. 


184  PICCOLOIMINI. 

You  ain't  a  Angel,  Maria,  &  I  am  glad  of  it. 
When  I  see  angels  in  pettjcoats  I'm  always  sorry 
thaj  hain't  got  wings  so  they  can  kin  quietly  fly  off 
where  thay  will  be  appreshiated.  You  air  a  woman, 
&  a  mity  good  one  too.  As  for  Maccarony,  Brig- 
noly,  Mullenholler  and  them  other  fellers,  they  can 
take  care  of  theirselves.  Old  Mac.  kin  make  a  com- 
fortable livin  choppin  cord  wood  if  his  voice  ever 
givs  out,  and  Amodio  looks  as  tho  he  mite  -succeed 
in  conductin  sum  quiet  toll  gate,  whare  the  vittles 
would  be  plenty  &  the  labor  lite. 

I  am  preparin  for  the  Summer  Campane.  L 
shall  stay  in  Cleveland  a  few  days  and  probly  you 
will  hear  from  me  again  ear  I  leave  to  once  more 
becum  a  tosser  on  life's  tempestuous  billers,  meanin 
the  Show  Bisnis.  .     * 

Very  Respectively  Yours, 

Artemus  WiKD. 


LITTLE  PATTI. 

The  moosic  which  Ime  most  use  to  is  the  inspirin 
stranes  of  the  hand  orgin.  I  hire  a  artistic  Italyun 
to  grind,  fur  me,  payin  him  his  vittles  &  close,  &  I 
spose  it  was  them  stranes  which  fust  put  a  moosical 
taste  into  me.  Like  all  furriners  he  had  seen  bet- 
ter dase,  havin  formerly  been  a  Kount.  But  he 
aint  of  much  akount  now,  except  to  turn  the  orgin 
and  drink  Beer,  of  which  bevrige  he  can  hold  a 
churnful,  easy. 

Miss  Patty  is  small  for  her  size,  but  as  the  man 
Bed  abowt  his  wife,  0  Lord  !  She  is  well  bilt  & 
her  complexion  is  what  might  be  called  a  Broonetty. 
Her  ize  is  a  dark  bay,  the  lashes  bein  long  &  silky. 
When  she  smiles  the  awjince  feels  like  axing  her  to 
duo  it  sum  moor,  &  to  continner  doin  it  2  a  indefnit 
extent.  Uer  waste  is  one  of  the  most  bootiful  wasti- 
11 


136  LITTLE  PATTI. 

sis  ever  seen.  When  Mister  Strackhorse  led  her 
out  I  thawt  sum  pretty  skool  gal,  who  had  jest  grad- 
uatii  frum  pantalets  &  wire  hoops,  was  a  cumin  out 
to  read  her  fust  composishun  in  public.  She  cum 
so  bashful  like,  with  her  hed  bowd  down,  &  made 
sich  a  eflfort  to  arrange  her  lips  so  thayd  look  pret- 
ty, that  I  wanted  to  swaller  her.  She  reminded  me 
of  Susan  Skinner,  who'd  never  kiss  the  boys  at 
parin  bees  till  the  candles  was  blow'd  out.  Miss 
Patty  sung  suthin  or  ruther  in  a  furrin  tung.  I 
don't  know  what  the  sentimunts  was.  Fur  awt  I 
know  she  may  hav  bin  denouncin  my  wax  figgers  & 
sagashus  wild  beests  of  Pray,  &  I  don't  much  keer 
ef  she  did.  When  she  opened  her  mowth  a  army 
of  martingales,  bobolinks,  kanarys,  swallers,  mock- 
in  birds,  etsettery,  bust  4th  &  flew  all  over  the 
Haul. 

Go  it,  little  1,  sez  I  to  myself,  in  a  hily  exsited 
frame  of  mind,  &  ef  that  kount  or  royal  duke  which 
you'll  be  pretty  apt  to  marry  1  of  these  dase  don't 
do  the  fair  thing  by  ye,  yu  kin  always  hav  a  home 
on   A.  Ward's  farm,  near   Baldinsville,    Injianny. 


LITTLE  PATTI  187 

When  she  sung  Cumin  threw  the  Rye,  &  spoke  of 
that  Swayne  she  deerlj  luvd  herself  individooully, 
I  didn't  wish  I  was  that  air  Swayue.  No  I  gess 
not.  Oh  certainly  not.  [This  is  Ironical.  I  don't 
meen  this.  It's  a  way  I  hav  of  goakin.]  No^\ 
that  Maria  Picklehominy  has  got  married  [which  I 
hopes  she  likes  it]  &  left  the  perfeshun,  Adeliny 
Patty  is  the  championess  of  the  opery  ring.  She 
karries  the  Belt.  Thar's  no  draw  fite  about  it. 
Other  primy  donnys  may  as  well  throw  up  the 
spunge  first  as  last.  My  eyes  don't  deceive  my  ear- 
site  in  this  matter. 

But  Miss  Patty  orter  sing  in  the  Inglish  tung. 
As  she  kin  do  so  as  well  as  she  kin  in  Italyun  why 
under  the  Son  dont  she  do  it?  What  cents  is  thare 
in  singin  wurds  nobody  dont  understan  when  wurds 
we  do  understan  is  jest  as  handy  ?  Why  peple  will 
versifferusly  applawd  furrin  langwidge  is  a  mistery. 
It  reminds  me  of  a  man  I  onct  knew.  He  sed  he 
knockt  the  bottum  out  of  his  pork  Barril,  &  the 
pork  fell  out,  but  the  Brine  dident  moove  a  inch. 
It  stade  in  the  Barril.     He  sed  this  was  a  Mistery, 


138  LITTLE  PATTL 

but  it  wasn't  misterior  than  is  this  thing  I'm  speek- 
in  of. 

.As  fur  Brignolj,  Ferri  and  Junkj,  tbay  air 
dowtless  grate,  bat  I  think  sich  able  boddied  mec 
wood  look  better  tillin  the  sile  than  dressin  their- 
selves  up  in  black  close  &  white  kid  gluvs  &  shout- 
in  in  a  furrin  tung.  Mister  Junkj  is  a  noble 
lookin  old  man  &  orter  lead  armies  on  to  Battel  in- 
Btid  of  shoutin  in  a  furrin  tung. 

Adoo.      In   the  langwidge   of  Lewis   Napoleon      * 
when  receivin  kumpanj  at  his  pallis  on  the  BuUy- 
vards,  "  I  saloot  yu." 


'      "Oh     that     I     SHOULD     LIVE     TO     SEE    MYSELF    A     DED    BODY !' 

SCREAMED  THE  UNTORTNET  MAN.     [See  Page  145.] 


MOSES,  THE  SASSY ;    OR,  THE  DISGUISED 
DUKE. 

CHAPTER  L  — EuzY. 

My  story  opens  in  the  classic  presinks  of  Bostiii 
In  the  parler  of  a  bloated  aristocratic  mansion  on 
Bacon  street  sits  a  luvly  young  lady,  whose  hair  is 
cuverd  ore  with  the  frosts  of  between  17  Summers. 
She  has  just  sot  down  to  the  piany,  and  is  warblin 
the  popler  ballad  called  "  Smells  of  the  Notion," 
in  which  she  tells  how  with  pensiv  thought,  she 
wandered  by  a  C  beat  shore.  The  son  is  settin  in 
its  horizon,  and  its  gorjus  light  pores  in  a  golden 
meller  flud  through  the  wmders,  and  makes  the 
young  lady  twict  as  beautiful  nor  what  she  was  be- 
fore, which  is  onnecessary.  She  is  magnificently 
dressed  up  in  a  Berage  basque,  with  poplin  trim- 
11* 


142  MOSES.  THE  SASSY  ;  OR, 

mins,  More  Antique,  Ball  Morals  and  3  ply  carpet- 
ing. Also,  considerable  gauze.  Her  dress  con- 
tains 16  flounders  and  her  shoes  is  red  morocker, 
with  gold  spangles  onto  them.  Presently  she 
jumps  up  with  a  wild  snort,  and  pressin  her  hands 
to .  her  brow,  she  exclaims :  "  Methinks  I  see  a 
voice !  " 

A  noble  youth  of  27  summers  enters.  He  is  at- 
tired in  a  red  shirt  and  black  trowsis,  which  last  air 
turned  up  over  his  boots;  his  hat,  which  it  is  a 
plug,  being  cockt  onto  one  side  of  his  classical  hed. 
In  sooth,  he  was  a  heroic  lookin  person,  with  a  fine 
shape.  Grease,  in  its  barmiest  days  near  projuced 
a  more  hefty  cavileer.  Gazin  upon  him  admirinly 
for  a  spell,  Elizy  (for  that  was  her  name)  organized 
herself  into  a  tabloo,  and  stated  as  follers . 

"  Ha  !  do  me  eyes  deceive  me  earsight  ?     Is  it 
some  dreams  ?     No,  I  reckon  not !     That  frame  ! 
them  store  close !  those  nose  !     Yes,  it  is  me  own 
me  only  Moses  !  " 

He  (Moses)  folded  her  to  his  hart,  with  the  r^ 
mark  that  he  was  "  a  hunkey  boy." 


THE  DISGUISED  DUKE.  14 

CHAPTER  n.— Was  Moses  of  Noble  Birth  ? 

Moses  -was  foreman  of  Engine  Co.  No.  40. 
Forty's  fellers  bad  just  bin  bavin  an  annual  re- 
union  mth.  Fifty's  fellers,  on  tbe  day  I  introjuce 
Moses  to  my  readers,  and  Moses  bad  bis  arms  full 
of  trofees,  to  wit  :  4  scalps,  5  eyes,  3  fingers,  T 
ears,  (wbich  be  cbawed  off)  and  several  balf  and 
quarter  sections  of  noses.  "VVben  the  fair  Elizy  re- 
covered from  ber  deligbt  at  meetin  Moses,  she 
said  :  —  ''  How  bast  the  battle  gonest  ?     Tell  me  !  " 

'*  We  chawed  'em  up  —  that's  what  we  did  !  " 
said  the  bold  Moses. 

"  I  thank  the  gods  !  "  sed  the  fair  Elizy.  "  Thou 
did' St  excellent  well.  And,  Moses,"  she  continnered, 
layin  ber  bed  confidinly,  agin  bis  weskit,  ''  dost  know 
I  sumtimes  think  thou  istest  of  noble  birth?  " 

"No  ! "  said  be,  wildly  ketchin  bold  of  bisself. 
'^  You  don't  say  so  !  " 

"  Indeed  do  I!  Your  dead  grandfather's  sperrit 
comest  to  me  the  totber  night." 

"  Oh  no,  I  guess  it's  a  mistake,"  sed  Moses. 


144  MOSES,  THE  SASSY  ; 

"  I'll  bet  two  dollars  and  a  quarter  he  did  !  "  re- 
plied Elizj.  "  He  said,  '  Moses  is  a  Disguised 
Juke  ! '" 

'  You  mean  Duke,"  said  Moses. 

"  Dost  not  the  actors  all  call  it  Juke !  "  said  she. 

That  settled  the  matter. 

"  I  hav  thought  of  this  thing  afore,  '  said  Moses, 
abstractedly.  "If  it  is  so,  then  thus  it  must  be! 
2  B  or  not  2  B  !  Which  ?  Sow,  sow  !  But  enuff. 
0  life  !  life  !  —  yoiHre  too  many  for  me  /  "  He 
tore  out  some  of  his  pretty  yeller  hair,  stampt  on 
the  floor  sevril  times,  and  was  gone. 

CHAPTER  III.— The  Pirut  Foiled. 

Sixteen  long  and  weary  years  has  elapst  since  the 
seens  narrated  in  the  last  chapter  took  place.  A 
noble  ship,  the  Sary  Jane,  is  a  sailin  from  France  to 
Ameriky  via  the  Wabash  Canal.  A  pirut  ship  is  in 
hot  pursoot  of  the  Sary.  The  pirut  capting  isn't  a 
man  of  much  principle  and  intends  to  kill  all  the 
people  on  bored  the  Sary  and  confiscate  the  waller- 
bles.     The  capting  of  the  S.  J.  is  on  the  pint  of 


OR,  THE  DISGUISED  DUKE  146 

givin  in,Tvlien  a  fine  lookin  feller  in  russet  boots  and 
a  buffalo  overcoat  rushes  forored  and  obsarves  : 

"  Old  man  !  go  down  stairs !  Retire  to  the  star- 
bud  bulk-hed  !     I'll  take  charge  of  this  Bote  !  " 

"  Owdashus  cuss!"  yelled  the  capting,  *' away 
with  thee  or  I  shall  do  mur-rer-der-r-r  !  " 

''  Skurcely,"  obsarved  the  stranger,  and  he  drew 
a  diamond -lil ted  fish-knife  and  cut  orf  the  capting'a 
bed.  He  expired  shortly,  his  last  words  bein,  "  we 
are  governed  too  much." 

"  People  !  "  sed  the  stranger,  "  I'm  the  Juke 
d'Moses !  " 

"Old  boss!"  sed  a  passenger,  " methinks  thou 
art  bio  win !  "  w^hareupon  the  Juke  cut  orf  his  bed 
also. 

"  Oh  that  I  should  live  to  see  myself  a  ded 
body  !  "  screamed  the  unfortnit  man.  ''  But  don't 
print  any  verses  about  my  deth  in  the  newspapers, 
for  if  you  do  I'll  haunt  ye !  " 

"  People  !  "  sed  the  Juke,  "  I  alone  can  save  you 
from  yon  bloody  pirut !  Ho  !  a  peck  of  oats  !  " 
The  oats  was  brought  and  the  Juke,  boldly  mountlD 


146  MOSES,  THE  S-iSSY  ; 

the  jibpoop,  throwed  them  onto  the  towpath.  The 
pirut  rapidly  approached,  chucklin  with  fiendish  de- 
liglit  at  the  idee  of  increasin  his  ill-gotten  gains. 
But  the  leadin  hoss  of  the  pirut  ship'  stopt  suddent 
on  comin  to  the  oats,  and  commenst  for  to  devour 
them.  In  vain  the  pi  ruts  swore  and  throwd  stones 
and  bottles  at  the  hoss  —  he  wouldn't  budge  a 
inch.  Meanwhile  the  Sarj  Jane,  her  bosses  on  the 
full  jump,  was  fast  leavin  the  pirut  ship  ! 

''  Onct  agin  do  I  escape  deth  !  "  sed  the  Juke  be- 
tween his  clencht  teeth,  still  on  the  jibpoop. 

CHAPTER  IV.  —  The  Wanderer's  Return. 

The  Juke  was  Moses  the  Sasy  !      Yes,  it  was ! 

He  had  bin  to  France  and  now  he  was  home  agin 
in  Bostin,  which  gave  birth  to  a  Bunker  Hill !  ! 
He  had  some  trouble  in  gitting  hisself  acknowl- 
edged as  Juke  in  France,  as  the  Orleans  Bienasty 
and  Borebones  were  fernest  him,  but  he  finally  con- 
kcred  Elizy  knowd  him  right  off,  as  one  of  his 
cars  and  a  part  of  his  nose  had  bin  chawed  ofi"  in 
his  fights  with  opposition  firemen  durin  boyhood's 


OR  THE  DISGUISED  DUKE.  147 

sunny  hours.  Thej  lived  to  a  green  old  age,  be- 
loved by  all,  both  grate  and  small.  Their  children, 
of  which  they  have  numerous,  often  go  up  onto  the 
Common  and  see  the  Fountain  squirt. 

This  is  my  1st  attempt  at  writin  a  Tail  &  it  is  far 
from  bein  perfeck,  but  if  I  have  indoosed  folks  to 
see  that  in  9  ca-ses  out  of  10  they  can  either  make 
Life  as  barren  as  the  Dessert  of  Sarah,  or  as  joy- 
yus  as  a  flower  garding,  my  objeck  will  have  bin 
accomplished,  and  more  too. 


THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES. 

To  my  friends  of  the  Editorial  Corpse  : 

I  rite  these  lines  on  British  sile.  I've  bin  follerin 
Mrs.  Victory's  hopeful  sun  Albert  Edward  threw 
Kanady  -with  my  onparaleled  Show,  and  tho  I  haint 
made  much  in  a  pecoonery  pint  of  vew,  I've  lernt 
sumthin  new,  over  hear  on  British  Sile,  whare  they 
bleeve  in  Saint  Gorge  and  the  Dragoon.  Previs  to 
cumin  over  hear  I  tawt  my  organist  how  to  grind 
Rule  Brittanny  and  other  airs  which  is  poplar  on 
British  Sile.  I  likewise  fixt  a  wax  figger  up  to  rep- 
resent Sir  Edmun  Hed  the  Govner  Ginral.  The 
statoot  I  fixt  up  is  the  most  versytile  wax  statoot  I 
ever  saw.  IVe  showd  it  as  Wm.  Penn,  Napoleon 
Bohypart,  Juke  of  Wellington,  the  Beneker  Boy, 
Mrs.  Cunningham  &  varis  other  notid  persons,  & 
also  for  a  sertin  pirut  named  Hix.    I've  bin  so  long 


THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES.  149 

amung  wax  statoots  that  I  can  fix  'em  up  to  soot 
the  tastes  of  folks,  &  with  sum  paints  I  hav  I  kin 
giv  their  facis  a  beneverlent  or  fiendish  look  as  the 
kase  requires.  I  giv  Sir  Edmun  Hed  a  beneverlent 
look,  &  when  sum  folks  who  thawt  thej  was  smart 
sed  it  didn't  look-  like  Sir  Edmun  Hed  anymore 
than  it  did  anybody  else,  I  sed,  "  That's  the  pint. 
That's  the  beauty  of  the  Statoot.  It  looks  like  Sir 
Edmun  Hed  or  any  other  man.  You  may  kail  it 
what  you  pleese.  Ef  it  don't  look  like  anybody  that 
ever  lived,  then  it's  sertinly  a  remarkable  Statoot  & 
well  worth  seein.  /  kail  it  Sir  Edmun  Hed.  You 
may  kail  it  what  you  darn  pleese  !  "  [I  had  'em 
thare.] 

At  larst  I've  had  a  interview  with  the  Prince,  tho 
it  putty  nigh  cost  me  my  vallerble  life.  I  cawt  a 
glimps  of  him  as  he  sot  on  the  Pizarro  of  the  hotel 
in  Sarnia,  &  elbowd  myself  threw  a  crowd  of  wimin, 
children,  sojers  &  Injins  that  was  hangin  round  the 
tavern.  I  was  drawin  near  to  the  Prince  when  a 
red  faced  man  in  Millingtery  close  grabd  holt  of  me 
and  axed  me  whare  I  was  goin  all  so  bold  ? 
12 


-    150  THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES. 

^'  To  see  Albert  Edard  the  Prince  of  Wales,'*  sea 
I;  "  who  are  jou?" 

He  sed  he  was  Kurnel  of  the  Seventy  Fust  Reg- 
iment, Her  Magistj's  troops.  I  told  him  I  hoped 
the  Seventy  Onesters  was  in  good  helth,  and  was 
passin  by  when  he  ceased  hold  of  me  agin,  and  sed 
in  a  tone  of  indigent  cirprise  : 

"  What?  Impossible  !  It  kannot  be  !  Blarst 
my  hize,  sir,  did  I  understan  you  to  say  that  you 
was  actooally  goin  into  the  presents  of  his  Royal 
Iniss?" 

"  That's  what's  the  matter  with  me,"  I  replide. 

"  But  blarst  my  hize,  sir,  its  unprecedented.  It's 
orful,  sir.  Nothin'  like  it  hain't  happened  sins  the 
Gun  Power  Plot  of  Guy  Forks.  Owdashus  man, 
■  who  air  yu  ?  ■' 

'^  Sir,"  sez  I,  drawin  myself  up  &  puttin  on  a 
defiant  air,  "  I'm  a  Amerycan  sitterzen.  My  name 
is  Ward.  I'm  a  husband  &  the  father  of  twins, 
which  Tm  happy  to  state,  thay  look  like  me.  By 
perfeshun  I'm  a  exhibitor  of  wax  works  &  sich." 

"  Good  God  !  "  yelled  the  Kurnal,  ''  the  idee  of 


THE  PKINCE  OF  WALES.  161 

a  exhibiter  of  wax  figgers  goin  into  the  presents  of 
Royalty!  The  British  Lion  may  well  roar  with 
raje  at  the  thawt !  " 

Sez  I,  "  Speakin  of  the  British  Lion,  Kurnal, 
I'd  like  to  make  a  bargin  with  you  fur  that  beast 
fur  a  few  weeks  to  add  to  my  Show."  I  didn't 
meen  nothin  by  this.  I  was  only  gettin  orf  a  goak, 
but  you  orter  hev  seen  the  Old  Kurnal  jump  up  & 
howl.     He  actooally  fomed  at  the  mowth. 

"  This  can't  be  real,"  he  showtid.  ''  No,  no. 
It's  a  horrid  dream.  Sir,  you  air  not  a  human  be- 
in  —  you  hav  no  existents  —  yure  a  Myth  !  " 

''  Wall,"  soz  I,  ''  old  boss,  yule  find  me  a  ruther 
onkomfortable  Myth  ef  you  punch  my  inards  in  that 
way  agin."  I  began  to  git  a  little  riled,  fur  when 
he  called  me  a  Myth  he  puncht  me  putty  hard. 
The  Kurnal  now  commenst  showtin  fur  the  Seventy 
Onesters.  I  at  fust  thawt  Td  stay  &  becum  a  Mar- 
ter  to  British  Outraje,  as  sich  a  course  mite  git  my 
name  up  &  be  a  good  advertisement  fur  my  Show, 
but  it  occurred  to  me  that  ef  enny  of  the  Seventy 
Onesters  shood  happen  to  insert  a  barronet  into  my 


152  THE  PRINCE  OF  WALEa 

Btummick  it  mite  be  onplesunt,  &  I  was  on  the  pint 
of  runnin  orf  when  the  Prince  hisself  kum  up  & 
axed  me  what  the  matter  was.  Sez  I,  "Albert 
Edard  is  that  jou  ? "  &  he  smilt  &  sed  it  was. 
Sez  I,  ^ '  Albert  Edard,  hears  my  keerd.  I  cum  to 
pay  my  respecks  to  the  futer  King  of  Ingland. 
The  Kurnal  of  the  Seventy  Onesters  hear  is  ruther 
smawl  pertaters,  but  of  course  you  ain't  to  blame 
fur  that.  He  puts  on  as  many  airs  as  tho  he  was 
the  Bully  Boy  with  the  glass  eye." 

"  Never  mind,"  sez  Albert  Edard,  "I'm  glad  to 
see  you,  Mister  Ward,  at  all  events,"  &  he  tuk  my 
hand  so  plesunt  like  &  larfed  so  sweet  that  I  fell  in 
love  with  him  to  onct.  He  handid  me  a  segar  &  we 
sot  down  on  the  Pizarro  &  commenst  smokin  rite 
cheerful.  "Wall,"  sez  I,  "Albert  Edard,  how's 
the  old  folks?" 

"  Her  Majesty  &  iie  Prince  are  well,"  he  sed. 

"  Duz  tho  old  man  take  his  Lager  beer  reglar  ?  " 
I  inquired. 

The  Prince  larfed  &  intermatid  that  the  old  man 
didn't   let  many  kegs  of  that  bevridge  spile  in  the 


THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES.  158 

Bellar  in  the  coarse  of  a  year.  We  sot  &  tawked 
there  sum  time  abowt  matters  &  things,  &  bimebj  I 
axed  him  how  he  liked  bein  Prince  as  fur  as  h'ed 
got. 

"  To  speak  plain.  Mister  Ward,'*  he  sed,  "  I 
don't  much  like  it.  I'm  sick  of  all  this  bowin  & 
scrapin  &  crawlin  &  hurrain  over  a  boj  like  me. 
I  would  rather  go  through  the  country  quietly  & 
enjoy  myself  in  my  own  way,  with  the  other  boys, 
&  not  be  made  a  Show  of  to  be  garped  at  by  every- 
body. When  the  peple  cheer  me  I  feel  pleesed,  fur 
I  know  they  meen  it,  but  if  these-  one-horse  offishuls 
cood  know  how  I  see  threw  all  their  moves  &  un- 
derstan  exackly  what  they  air  after,  &  knowd  how  I 
larft  at  'em  in  private,  thayd  stop  kissin  my  hands 
&  fawnin  over  me  as  thay  now  do.  But  you  know 
Mr.  Ward  I  can't  help  bein  a  Prince,  &  I  must  do 
all  I  kin  to  fit  myself  fur  the  persishun  I  must 
sumtime  ockepy." 

"  That's  troo,"  sez  I; ''  sickness  and  the  doctors 
will  carry  the  Queen  orf  one  of  these  dase,  sure'a 
yer  born," 

12*       . 


154  THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES. 

The  time  hevin  arove  fur  me  to  take  my  departer 
I  rose  up  &  sed  :  "  Albert  Edard,  I  must  go,  but 
previs  to  doin  so  I  will  obsarve  that  you  soot  me. 
Yure  a  good  feller  Albert  Edard,  &  tho  Vm  agin 
Princes  as  a  gineral  thing,  I  must  say  I  like  the  cut 
of  your  Gib.  When  you  git  to  be  King  try  and  be 
as  good  a  man  as  yure  muther  has  bin.  !  Be  just  & 
be  Jenerus,  espeshully  to  showmen,  who  hav  allers 
bin  aboozed  sins  the  dase  of  Noah,  who  was  the  fust 
man  to  go  into  the  Menagery  bizniss,  &  ef  the  daily 
papers  of  his  time  air  to  be  beleeved  Noah's  colleck- 
shun  of  livin  wild  beests  beet  ennything  ever  seen 
sins,  tho  I  make  bold  to  dowt  ef  his  snaiks  was 
ahead  of  mine.  Albert  Edard,  adoo  !  "  I  tuk  his 
hand  which  he  shook  warmly,  &  givin  him  a  perpet- 
ooal  free  pars  to  my  show,  &  also  parses  to  take  hum 
for  the  Queen  &*01d  Albert,  I  put  on  my  hat  and 
walkt  away 

"  Mrs.  Ward,"  I  solilerquized,  as  I  walkt  along, 
"  ^Irs.  Ward,  ef  you  could  see  your  husband  now, 
just  as  he  prowdly  emerjis  from  the  presunts  of  the 
futur    King  of  Ingland,  you'd  be  sorry  you  called 


THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES.  166 

him  a  Beest  jest  becaws  he  cum  home  tired  1  nite 
and  wantid  to  go  to  bed  without  takin  orf  his  boots. 
You'd  be  sorry  for  tryin  to  deprive  yure  husband  of" 
the  priceliss  Boon  of  liberty,  Betgy  Jane  !  '* 

Jest  then  I  met  a  long  perseshun  of  men  with 
gownds  onto  'em.  The  leader  was  on  horseback,  •& 
ridin  up  to  me  he  sed,  "  Air  you  Orange  ?  " 

SezI,  "Which?" 

"  Air  you  a  Orangeman  ?  "  he  repeated,  sternly. 

"  I  used  to  peddle  lemins,"  sed  I,  "  but  I  nevei 
delt  in  oranges.  They  are  apt  to  spile  on  yure 
hands.  What  particler  Loonatic  Asylum  hev  you 
&  yure  frends  escaped  frum,  ef  I  may  be  so  bold?  " 
Just  then  a  suddent  thawt  struck  me  &  I  sed,  "  Oh 
yure  the  fellers  who  air  worryin  the  Prince  so  & 
givin  the  Juke  of  Noocastle-  cold  sweats  at  nite,  by 
yure  infernal  catawalins,  air  you  ?  Wall,  take  tho 
advice  of  a  Amerykin  sitterzen,  take  orf  them 
gownds  &  don't  try  to  get  up  a  religious  fite,  which 
Is  40  times  wuss  nor  a  prize  fite,  over  Albert  Edard, 
who  wants  to  receive  you  all  on  a  ekal  footin,  not 
keerin  a  tinker's  cuss  what  meetin  house  you  sleefi 


166  THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES. 

in  Sundays.  Go  home  and  mind  jure  bisness  &  not 
make  noosenses  of  yourselves."  With  which  ob- 
servashuns  I  left  'em. 

I  shall  leeve  British  sile  4thwith, 


OSSAWATOMIE  BKOWN. 

I  don't  pertend  to  be  a  cricket  &  consckently  the 
reader  will  not  regard  this  'ere  peace  as  a  Cricket- 
cism.  I  cimplj  desine  givin  the  pints  &  Plot  of  a 
play  I  saw  actid  out  at  the  theater  t'other  riite, 
called  Ossywattermy  Brown  or  the  Hero  of  Harp- 
er's Ferry.  Ossywattermy  had  varis  failins,  one  of 
which  was  a  idee  that  he  cood  conker  Virginny  with 
a  few  duzzen  loonatics  which  he  had  pickt  up  sum- 
whareSj  mercy  only  nose  when.  He  didn't  cum  it, 
as  the  sekel  showed.  This  play  was  jerkt  by  a 
admirer  of  Old  Ossywattermy. 

First  akt  opens  at  North  Elby,  Old  Brown's 
humsted.  Thare's  a  weddin  at  the  house.  Amely, 
Old  Brown's  darter,  marrys  sumbody,  and  they  all 
whirl  in  the  Messy  darnce.  Then  Ossywattermy 
and  his  3  suns  leave  fur  Kansis.     Old  Mrs.  Ossy- 


158  OSSAWATOMIE  BROWN. 

wattermj  tells  'em  thay  air  goin  on  a  long  jurny  & 
Blesses  'em  to  slow  fiddlin.  Thay  go  to  Kansis 
What  upon  arth  thay  go  to  Kansis  fur  when  thay 
was  so  nice  &  comfortable  down  there  to  North 
Elby,  is  more'n  I  know.  The  suns  air  next  seen  in 
Kansis  at  a  tarvern.  Mister  BlanC;  a  sinister 
lookin  man, with  his  Belt  full  of  knives  &  hosa 
pistils,  axes  one  of  the  Browns  to  take  a  drink. 
Brown  refuzis,  which  is  the  fust  instance  on  record 
whar  a  Brown  deklined  sich  a  invite.  Mister  Blane, 
who  is  a  dark  bearded  feroshus  lookin  person,  then 
axis  him  whether  he's  fur  or  fernenst  Slavery.  Yung 
Brown  sez  he's  agin  it.  whareupon  Mister  Blanfe, 
who  is  the  most  sinisterest  lookin  man  I  ever  saw, 
sez  Har,  har,  har  !  (that  bein  his  stile  of  larfin  wild- 
ly) &  ups  &  sticks  a  knife  into  yung  Brown.  An- 
uther  Brown  rushes  up  &  sez,  "you  has  killed  me 
Ber-ruther !  "  Moosic  by  the  Band  &  Seen  changes. 
The  stuck  yung  Brown  enters  supported  by  his  two 
brothers.  Bimeby  he  falls  down,  sez  he  sees  his 
Mother,  &  dies.  Moosic  by  'the  Band.  I  lookt  but 
couldn't  see  any  mother.     Next  Seen  reveels  Old 


OSSAWATOMIE  BROWN.  169 

Brown's  cabin.  He's  readin  a  book.  He  sez  free- 
dum  must  extend  its  Area  &  rubs  his  hands  like  ho 
was  pleesed  abowt  it.  His  suns  come  in.  One  of 
'em  goes  oilt  &  cums  in  ded,  havin  bin  shot  while 
out  bj  a  Border  Ruflfin.  The  ded  yung  Brown  sez 
he  sees  his  mother  and  tumbles  down.  The  Border 
Ruffins  then  surround  the  cabin  &  set  it  a  fire. 
•  The  Browns  giv  theirselves  up  for  gone  coons,  when 
the  hired  gal  diskivers  a  trap  door  to  the  cabin  & 
thay  go  down  threw  it  &  cum  up  threw  the  bulkhed. 
'  Their  merraklfs  'scape  reminds  me  of  the  'scape  of 
De  Jones  the  Coarsehair  of  the  Gulf — a  tail  with 
a  yaller  kiver,  that  I  onct  red.  For  sixteen  years 
he  was  confined  in  a  loathsum  dunjin,  not  tastin  of 
food  durin  all  that  time.  When  a  lucky  thawt 
struck  him!  He  opend  the  winder  and  got  out. 
To  resoom  —  Old  Brown  rushes  down  to  the  foot 
lites,  gits  down  on  his  nees  &  swares  he'll  hav 
revenge.  The  battle  of  Ossawattermy  takes  place. 
Old  Brown  kills  Mister  Blane,  the  sinister  indi- 
vidooal  aforesed.  Mister  Blane  makes  a  able  & 
elerquent  speech,  sez  he  don't  see  his  mother  mucht 


160  OSSATV ATOMIC  BuOWN. 

and  dies  like  a  son  of  a  gentleman,  rapt  up  in  the 
Star  iSpangled  Banner.  Moosic  bj  the  Band. 
Four  or  five  other  Border  ruffins  air  killed  but  thaj' 
don't  saj  nothin  abowt  seein  their  mothers.  From 
Kansis  to  Harper's  Ferrj.  Picter  of  a  Arsenal  is 
represented.  Sojers  cum  &  fire  at  it.  Old  Brown 
cums  out  &  permits  hisself  to  be  shot.  He  is  triple 
bj  two  soops  in  milingterj  close,  and  sentenced  to  be 
hung  on  the  gallus.  Tabloo  —Old  Brown  on  a 
platform,  pintin  upards,  the  staige  lited  up  with  red 
fire.  Goddiss  of  Liberty  also  on  platform,  pintin 
upards.  A  dutchman  in  the  orkestrj  warbles  on  a 
drum.     Curtin  falls.     Moosic  by  the  Band. 


Twins,  marm,"  sez  I,  "Twins!"     [See  Page  16a 


JOY  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  WARD. 

Dear  Sirs :  — 

I  take  mv  pen  in  hand  to  inform  you  that  I  am 

in  a  state  of  grate  bliss,  and  trust  these  lines  will 

finil  you  injoyin  the  same  blessins.     I'm  reguvinated. 

I've   found   the   immortal   waters  of  yooth,  so   to 

speak,  and  am  as  limber  and  frisky  as  a  two-year 

old  steer,  and  in  the  futer  them  feoys  which  sez  to 

me  "go  up, old  Bawld  bed,"  will  do  so  at  the  peril 

of  their   hazard,  individooally.      I'm   very  happy. 

My  house  is  full  of  joy,  and  I  have  to  git  up  nights 

and   larf!     Sumtimes   I   ax   myself  "  is  it   not   a 

dream  ?  "    &  suthin  withinto  me  sez  "  it  air  ;  "  but 

when  I  look  at  them  sweet  little  critters  and  hear 

*em  squawk,  I  know  it  is  a  reality  —  2  realitys,  I 

may  say  —  and  I  feel  gay. 

J  rctur;id  from  the  Summer  Campane  with  my 

imparaleld  show  af  wax  works  and  livin  wild  Beests 

13 


164  JOY  IN  THE  HOUSE  OP  WARD. 

of  Pray  in  the  early  part  of  this  munth.  The 
peple  of  Baldinsville  met  me  cordully  and  I  imme- 
iitly  commenst  restin  myself  with  my  famerly.  Tlie 
other  nite  while  I  was  down  to  the  tavurn  tostin  niy 
shins  agin  the  bar  room  fire  &  amuzin  the  krowd. 
with  sum  of  my  adventurs,  who  shood  cum  in  bare 
heded  &  terrible  excited  but  Bill  Stokes,  who  sez, 
sez  he,  '*  Old  Ward,  there's  grate  doins  up  to  your 
house." 

Sez  I,  ''  William,  how  so  ?  " 

Sez  he,  "  Bust  my  gizzud,  but  its  grate  doins,"  & 
then  he  larfed  as  if  hee'd  kill  hisself. 

Sez  I,  risin  and  puttin  on  a  austeer  look,  "  Wil- 
liam,! woodunt  be  a  fool  if  I  had  common  cents." 

But  he  kept  on  larfin  till  he  was  black  in  the 
face,  when  he  fell  over  on  to  the  bunk  where  the 
hostler  sleeps,  and  in  a  still  small  voice  sed, 
''  Twins !  "  I  ashure  you  gents  that  the  grass 
didn't  grow  under  my  feet  on  my  way  home,  &  I 
was  follered  by  a  enthoosiastic  throng  of  my  fellei 
sitterzens,  \\ho  hurrard  for  Old  Ward  at  the  top  of 
their  voisea.     I  found  the  house  chock  full  of  peple. 


JOT  IN  THE  HOUSE  OP  WARD.  166 

'  Thare  was  Mis  Square  Baxter  and  her  three  grown 
up  darters,  lawyer  Perkinses  wife,  Taberthj  Ripley 
young  Eben  Parsuns,  Deakun  Simmuns  folks,  the 
Skoolmaster,  Doctor  Jordin,  etsettery,  etsettery. 
Mis  Ward  was  in  the  west  room,  which  jines  the 
kitchin.  Mis  Square  Baxter  was  mixin  suthin  in  a 
dipper  before  the  kitchin  fire,  &  a  small  army  of 
female  wimin  were  rushin  wildly  round  the  house 
with  bottles  of  camfire,  peaces  of  flannil,  &c.  I 
never  seed  sich  a  hubbub  in  my  natral  born  dase. 
I  cood  not  stay  in  the  west  room  only  a  minit,  so 
strung  up  was  my  feelins,  so  I  rusht  out  and  ceased 
my  dubbel  barrild  gun. 

"  What  upon  airth  ales  the  man  ?  "  sez  Taberthy 
Ripley.  "  Sakes  alive,  what  air  you  doin  ?  "  &  she 
grabd  me  by  the  coat  tales.  *'  What's  the  matter 
with  you  ?  "  she  continnerd. 

"  Twins,  marm,"  sez  I,  "  twins  !  '' 

*'  I  know  it,"  sez  she,  coverin  her  pretty  face 
with  lier  apun. 

"AYall,"  sez  I,  "that's  what's  the  matter  with 


166  JOY  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  WARD. 

**  Wall  put  down  that  air  gun,  you  pesky  old 
fool,"  sed  she. 

'*  No,  marm,"  sez  I,  '*  this  is  a  Nashunal  day. 
The  glory  of  this  here  day  isn't  confined  to  Baldins- 
ville  by  a  darn  site.  On  yonder  woodshed,"  sed  I, 
drawin  myself  up  to  my  full  hite  and  speakin  in  a 
show  actin  voice,  '^  will  I  fire  a  Nashunal  saloot !  " 
sayin  whitch  I  tared  myself  from  her  grasp  and 
rusht  to  the  top  of  the  shed  whare  I  blazed  away 
until  Square  Baxter's  hired  man  and  my  son 
Artemus  Juneyer  cum  and  took  me  down  by  mane 
force. 

On  returnin  to  the  Kitchin  I  found  quite  a  lot  of 
people  seated  be4  the  fire,  a  talkin  the  event  over. 
They  made  room  for  me  &  I  sot  down.  '*  Quite  a 
eppisode,"  sed  Docter  Jordin,  litin  his  pipe  with  a 
red  hot  coal. 

"  Yes,"  sed  I,  '*  2  eppisodes,  waying  abowt  18 
pounds  jintly." 

"  A  perfeck  coop  de  tat,"  sed  the  skoolmaster. 

**  E  pluribus  unum,  in  proprietor  persony,"  sed  I, 
thinking  I'd    let  him  know   I  understood  furrin 


JOY  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  WARD.  167 

langwidges  as  well  as  lie  did,  if  I  wasn't  a  skool- 
master. 

"It  is  indeed  a  momentious  event,"  sed  young 
Eben  Parsuns,  who  has  been  2  quarters  to  the 
Akademy. 

"  I  never  heard  twins  called  by  that  name  afore," 
sed  I,  "  but  I  spose  it's  all  rite." 

"  We  shall  soon  have  Wards  enuff,"  sed  the 
editor  of  the  Balainsville  Bugle  of  Liberty^  who 
was  lookin  over  a  bundle  of  exchange  papers  in  the 
corner,  "  to  apply  to  the  legislator  for  a  City 
Charter?" 

"  Good  for  you,  old  man  !  "  sed  I,  "  giv  that  air 
a  conspickius  place  in  the  next  Bugled 

"  How  redicklus,"  sed  pretty  Susan  Fletcher, 
coverin  her  face  with  her  knittin  work  &  larfin  like 
all  possest. 

"  Wall,  for  my  part,"  sed  Jane  Maria  Peasley 
who  is  the  Grossest  old  made  in  the  world,  "  I  think 
you  all  act  like  a  pack  of  fools." 

Sez  I,  "  Mis.  Peasly,  aii  you  a  parent?  ' 

Sez  she,  ''  No,  I  aint.  " 
13* 


168  JOY  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  WABI 

Sez  I,   '  Mis.  Peasly.  you  never  will  be.'' 

She  left. 

We  sot  there  talkin  &  larfin  until  "  the  switchin 

hour  of  nite,  when  grave  yards  yawn  &  Josts  troop 

4thj"  as  old  Bill  Shakespire  aptlee  obsarves  in  hip 

dramy  of  John  Sheppard,  esq.,  or  the  Moral  House 

Breaker,  when  we  broke  up  &  disbursed. 

Muther  &  children  is  a  doin  well;  &  as  Resolu 

m 
shuns  is  the  order  of  the  day  I  will  feel  obleeged  if 

you'll  insurt  the  follerin  — 

Whereas,  two  Eppisodes  has  happined  up  to  the 
undersined's  house,  which  is  Twins ;  &  Whereas  I 
like  this  stile,  sade  twins  bein  of  the  male  perswa- 
shun  &  both  boys ;  there4  Be  it 

Resolved,  that  to  them  nabers  who  did  the  fare 
thmg  by  sade  Eppisodes  my  hart  felt  thanks  is  doo. 

Resolved,  that  I  do  most  hartily  thank  Engine 
Ko.  No.  17  who,  under  the  impreshiin  from  the  fuss 
at  my  house  on  that  auspishus  nite  that  thare  was  a 
konflagration  goin  on,  kum  galyiantly  to  the  spot, 
jut  kindly  refraned  frum  squirtin. 

Resolved,  that  frum  the  Bottum  of  my  Sole  do  \ 


JOY  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  WARD.  165 

thank  the  Baldinsville  bl-ass  band  fur  givin  up  the 
idea  of  Sarahnadin  me,  both  on  that  great  nite  & 
sinse. 

Resolved^  that  my  thanks  is  doo  several  members 
of  the  Baldinsville  meetin  house  who  fur  3  whole 
dase  hain't  kalled  me  a  sinful  skofFer  or  intreeted  me 
to  mend  my  wicked  wase  and  jine  sade  meetin  house 
to  onct. 

Resolved^  that  my  Boozum  teams  with  mcny  kind 
emoshuns  towards  the  follerin  individoouls,  to  whit 
namelee  —  Mis.  Square  Baxter,  who  Jenerusly  re- 
foozed  to  take  a  sent  for  a  bottle  of  camfire ;  lawyer 
Perkinses  wife  who  rit  sum  versis  on  the  Eppisodes ; 
the  Editor  of  the  Baldinsville  Bugle  of  Liberty^ 
.  who  nobly  assisted  me  in  wollupin  my  Kangeroo, 
which  sagashus  little  cuss  seriusly  disturbed  the  Ep- 
pisodes by  his  outrajus  screetchins  &  kickins  up ; 
Mis.  Hirum  Doolittle,  who  kindly  furnisht  sum  cold 
vittles  at  a  tryin  time,  when  it  wasunt  konvenient 
to  cook  vittles  at  my  house ;  &  the  Peasleys,  Par- 
eunses  &  Watsunses  fur  there  meny  ax  of  kindness 
Trooly  yurcs,  ARTEiAius  Wapd. 


CRUISE  OF  THE  POLLY  ANN. 

In  overhaulin  one  of  my  old  trunks  the  tother 
day,  I  found  the  follerin'  jernal  of  a  yjge  on  the 
Btarnch  canawl  bote,  Polly  Ann,  which  happened  to 
the  subscriber  when  I  was  a  young  man  (in  the 
Brite  Lexington  of  yooth,  when  thar  aint  no  sicb 
word  as  fale)  on  the  Wabash  Canawl : 

(Monday  2  P.  M.)  Got  under  wa.  Hosses  not 
remarkable  frisky  at  fust.  ^  Had  to  bild  fires  under 
'em  before  they'd  start.  Started  at  larst  very  sud- 
dent,  causin  the  bote  for  to  lurch  vilently  and 
knockin  me  orf  from  my  pins.  (Sailor  frase.) 
Sevral  passenjers  on  bored.  Parst  threw  deliteful 
country.  Honist  farmers  was  to  work  sowin  korn, 
k  other  projuce  in  the  fields.  Surblime  scenery. 
Large  red-heded  gal  reclinin  on  the  banks  of  the 
Canawl,  bath  in  her  feet. 

Turned  in  at  15  minits  parst  eleving. 


CRUISE  OF  THE  POLLY  ANN.  171 

Toosdy —  Riz  at  5  and  went  up  on  the  poop  deck. 
Took  a  grown  person's  dose  of  licker  with  a  member 
of  the  Injianny  legislator,  which  he  urbanely  in 
sisted  on  allowin  me  to  pay  for.  Bote  tearin  threu 
the  briny  waters  at  the  rate  of  2  Nots  a  hour,  when 
the  boy  on  the  leadin  boss  shoutid, 

"  Sale  hoe  ! '' 

**  Whar  away?  "  hollered  the  capting,  clearin  his 
glass  (a  empty  black  bottle,  with  the  bottom  knockt 
out)  and  bringing  it  to  his  Eagle  eye. 

"  Bout  four  rods  to  the  starbud,"  screamed  the 
boy. 

'•  Jes  so,"  screeched  the  capting.  '*  What  wes- 
sel's  that  air  ?  " 

"  Kickin  Warier  of  Terry  Hawt,  and  be  darned 
to  you  !  "  ' 

''  I,  I  Sir  !  "  hollered  our  capting.  "  Reef  your 
arft  boss,  splice  your  main  jib-boom,  and  hail  your 
chambermaid  I     What's,  up  in  Terry  Hawt  ?  " 

''  You  know  Bill  Spikes  ?  "  sed  the  capting  of  the 
Warier. 

'*  Wall,  I  reckin     lie  kan  eat  more  fride  pork 


172  CRUISE  OF  THE  POLLY  ANN. 

nor  any  man  of  his  heft  on  the  Wahash.     lie's  a  or 
nament  to  his  sex  !  " 

"  Wall/'  continued  the  capting  of  the  Kickin 
Marier.  "  Wilyim  got  a  little  owlv  the  tother  daj, 
and  got  to  prancin  around  town  on  that  old  white 
mare  of  hisV.  and  bein  in  a  playful  mood,  he  rid  up 
in  front  of  the  Court  'us  whar  old  Judge  Perkins 
was  a  holdin  Court,  and  let  drive  his  rifle  at  him. 
The  bullet  didn't  hit  the  Judge  at  all ;  it  only  jes 
whizzed  parst  his  left  ear,  lodgin  in  the  wall  behind 
him  ; .  but  what  d'ye  spose  the  old  despot  did  ?  Why, 
he  actooally  fined  Bill  ten  dollars  for  contempt  of 
Court!  What  do  you  think  of  that?"  axed  the 
capting  of  the  Marier,  as  he  parst  a  long  black  bot- 
tle over  to  our  capting. 

''  The  country  is  indeed  in  danger  !  "  sed  our  cap- 
ting, raisin  the  bottle  to  his  lips.  The  wessels  part- 
ed. No  other  incidents  that  day.  Retired  to  my 
chased  couch  at  5  minits  parst  10. 

(Wensdy.)  Riz  arly.  Wind  blowin  N.  W.  E. 
Ilevy  sea  on  and  ship  rollin  wildly  in  consekents  of 
pepper-corns  havin  bin  fastened  to  the  forrerd  boss's 


CRUISE  OF  THE  POLLY  ANN.  173 

tale.  "  Heave  two  !  "  roared  the  capting  to  the  man 
at  the  rudder,  as  the  Polly  giv  a  friteful  toss.  I 
was  sick,  an  sorry  I'd  cum.  "  Heave  two  !  "  re- 
peated the  capting.     I  went  below.     "  Heave  two  !  '* 

1  hearn  him  holler  agin,  and  stickin  my  hed  out  of 
the  cabin  winder,  Ihev. 

The  bosses  became  dosile  eventually,  and  I  felt 
better.  The  sun  bust  out  in  all  his  splendor,  disre- 
gardless  of  expense,  and  lovely  Natur  put  in  her 
best  licks.  "We  parst  the  beautiful  village  of  Limy, 
which  lookt  sweet  indeed,  with  its  neat  white  cot- 
tages, Institoots  of  learnin  and  other  evijences  of 
civillizashun,  incloodin  a  party  of  bald  heded  culler- 
ed  men  who  was  playing  3  card  monty  on  the  stoop 
of  the  Red  Eagle  tavern.     All,  all  was  food  for  my 

2  poetic  sole.  I  went  below  to  breakfast,  but  vit- 
tles  had  lost  their  charms.  ''Take  sum  of  this," 
sed  the  Capting,  shovin  a  bottle  torda  my  plate. 
''  It's  whisky.  A  few  quarts  allers  sets  me  right 
when  my  stummick  gits  out  of  order.  It's  a  excel- 
lent tonic  !  "     I  declined  the  seductive  flooid. 

(Thursdy.)     Didn't  rest  well  last  night  on  ac- 


174  CRUISE  OF  THE  POLLY  ANN. 

count  of  a  uprore  made  by  the  capting,  who  stopt 
the  Bote  to  go  ashore  and  smash  in  the  windows  of 
a  grosery.  He  was  brought  back  in  about  a  hour, 
with  his  hed  dun  up  in  a  red  hankercher,  his  eyes 
bein  swelled  up  orful,  and  his  nose  very  much  out 
of  jint.  He  was  bro't  aboard  on  a  shutter  by  his 
crue,  and  deposited  on  the  cabin  floor,  the  passen- 
jers  all  risin  up  in  their  births,  pushin  the  red  cur- 
tains aside  &  lookin  out  to  see  what  the  matter  was. 
"  Why  do  you  allow  your  pashuns  to  run  away  with 
you  in  this  onseemly  stile,  my  misgided  frend?" 
sed  a  solium  lookin  man  in  a  red  flannel  nite-cap. 
''  Why  do  you  sink  yourself  to  the  Beasts  of  the 
field?" 

"  Wall,  the  fack  is,"  sed  the  capting,  risin  hisself 
on  the  shutter,  "  I've  bin  a  little  prejoodiced  agin 
that  grosery  for  some  time.  But  I  made  it  lively 
for  the  boys.  Deacon  !  Bet  yer  life !  "  He  larfed 
a  short,  wild  larf,  and  called  for  his  jug.  Sippin  a 
few  pints,  he  smiled  gently  upon  the  passengers,  sed 
*' Bless  you!  bless  you!"  and  fell  into  a  sweet 
sleep. 


CBUISE  OF  THE  POLLY  ANN.  176 

Eventually  we  reached  our  jerny's  end.  Thia 
was  in  the  days  of  Old  Long  Sign,  be4  the  iron 
boss  was  foaled.  This  was  be4  steembotes  was  goin 
round  bustin  their  bilers  &  sendin  peple  higher  nor 
a  kite.  Them  was  happy  days  when  peple  was  in- 
telligent &  wax  figger's  &  livin  wild  beests  wasn't 
scoffed  at. 

"  0  dase  of  me  boyhood 
I'm  dreamin  on  ye  now  !  ** 

(Poeckry.)  A.  W. 


14 


INTERVIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN 

I  hav  no  politics.  Nary  a  one.  I'm  not  in  tht 
bisiness.  K  I  was  I  spose  I  should  holler  versiff- 
ruslj  in  the  streets  at  nite  and  go  home  to  Betsy 
Jane  smellen  of  coal  ile  and  gin,  in  the  mornin.  I 
should  go  to  the  Poles  arly.  I  should  stay  there  all 
day.  I  should  see  to  it  that  my  nabers  was  thar. 
I  should  git  carriges  to  take  the  kripples,  the  infirm 
and  the  indignant  thar.  I  should  be  on  guard  agin 
Frauds  and  sich.  I  should  be  on  the  look  out  for 
the  infamus  lise  of  the  enemy,  got  up  jest  be4  elec- 
shun  for  perlitical  effeck.  When  all  was  over  and 
my  candydate  was  elected,  I  should  move  heving  & 
arth  —  so  to  speak  —  until  I  got  orfice,  which  if  J 
didn't  git  a  orfice  I  should  turn  round  and  abooze  the 
Administration  with  all  my  mite  and  maino.     Bui 


An  Interview  with  President  Lincoln.     [See  Page  186.] 


INTERVIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN.        17& 

I'm  not  in  the  bisniss.  I'm  in  a  far  more  respectful 
bisnis3  nor  what  pollertics  is.  I  wouldn't  giv  two 
cents  to  be  a  Congresser.  The  wuss  insult  I  ever 
roceived  was  when  sertin  citizens  of  Baldinsville 
axed  me  to  run  fur  the  Legislater.  Sez  I,  My 
frends,  dostest  think  I'd  stoop  to  that  there  ? " 
They  turned  as  white  as  a  sheet.  I  spoke  in  my 
most  or  fullest  tones,  &  they  knowd  I  wasn't  to  be 
trifled  with.     They  slunked  out  of  site  to  onct. 

There4,  havin  no  politics,  I  made  bold  to  visit  Old 
Abe  at  his  humstid  in  Springfield.  I  found  the  old 
feller  in  his  parler,  surrounded  by  a  perfeck  swarm 
of  orfice  seekers.  Knowin  he  had  been  capting  of 
a  flat  boat  on  the  roarin  Mississippy  I  thought  I'd 
address  him  in  sailor  lingo,  so  sez^  I  ''  Old  Abe, 
ahoy!  Let  out  yer  main-suls,  reef  hum  the  fore- 
castle &  throw  yer  jib-poop  over-board  !  Shivei 
my  timbers,  my  harty  !  "  [N.  B.  This  is  ginu- 
ine  mariner  langwidge.  I  know,  becawz  I've  seen 
sailor  plays  acted  out  by  them  New  York  theater 
fellers.]  Old  Abe  lookt  up  quite  cross  &  sez, 
"  Send  in  yer  petition  by  &  by.     I  can't  possibly 


180        INTERVIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN, 


look  at  it  now.     Indeed,  I  can't.      It's   onpossible, 


Bir 


f  " 


"  Mr.  Linkin,  who  do  you  spect  I  air  ?  "    sed  I. 

"  A  orfice-seeker,  to  be  sure  ?  "  sed  he. 

"Wall,  sir,"  sed  I,  "you  s  never  more  mistaken 
in  your  life.  You  hain't  gut  a  orfiss  I'd  take  under 
no  circumstances.  I'm  A.  Ward.  Wax  figgers  is 
my  perfeshun.  I'm  the  father  of  Twins,  and  they 
look  like  me  —  both  of  them.  I  cum  to  pay  a 
frendly  visit  to  the  President  eleck  of  the  United 
States.  If  so  be  you  wants  to  see  me  say  so  —  if 
not,  say  so,  &  I'm  orf  like  a  jug  handle." 

"  Mr.  Ward,  sit  down.  I  am  glad  to  see  you, 
Sir." 

"  Repose  in  Abraham's  Buzzum !  "  sed  one  of 
the  orfice  seekers,  his  idee  bein  to  git  orf  a  goak  at 
my  expense. 

"  Wall,"  sez  I,  "  ef  all  you  fellers  repose  in  that 
there  Buzzum  thare'll  be  mity  poor  nussin  for  sum 
of  you  !  "  whereupon  Old  Abe  buttoned  his  weskit 
clear  up  and  blusht  like  a  maidin  of  sweet  16. 
Jest  at  this  pint  of  the  conversation  another  swarm 


INTERVIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN         181 

of  orfice-seekers  arrove  &  cum  pilin  into  th'e  parlei 
Sum  wanted  post  orfices,  sum  wanted  collectorshipa 
sum  wantid  furrin  missions,  and  all  wanted  sumthin/ 
I  thouglit  Old  Abe  would  go  crazy.  He  hadn't 
more  than  had  time  to  shake  hands  with  'em,  before 
another  tremenjis  crowd  cum  porein  onto  his  prem- 
ises. His  house  and  dooryard  was  now  perfeckly 
overflowed  with  orfice  seekers,  all  clameruss  for  a 
immejit  interview  with  Old  Ab«.  One  man  from 
Ohio,  who  had  about  seven  inches  of  corn  whisky 
into  him.  mistook  me  for  Old  Abe  and  addrest  me 
as  "The  Pra-hayrie  Flower  of  the  West!" 
Thinks  I  yon  want  a  oflBss  putty  bad.  Another  man 
with  a  gold  heded  cane  and  a  red  nose  told  Old  Abe 
he  was  "  a  seckind  Washington  &  the  Pride  of  the 
Boundliss  West." 

Sez  I,  "  Square,  you  wouldn't  take  a  small  post- 
offis  if  you  could  git  it,  would  you?" 

Sez  he,  ''  a  patrit  is  abuv  them  things,  sir  !  " 
"  There's  a  putty  big  crop  of  patrits  this  season^ 
aiut  there  Squire  ?  "  sez  I,  when  another  crowd  of 
oflSsa  seekers  pored  in.     The  house,  door-yard,  barn 
14* 


182        INTERVIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT   LINCOLN. 

&  woodshed  was  now  all  full,  and  when  another 
crowd  cum  I  told  'em  not  to  go  away  for  want  of 
room  as  the  hog-pen  was  still  empty.  One  patrit 
from  a  small  town  in  Michygan  went  up  on  top  the 
house,  got  into  the  chimney  and  slid  down  into 
the  parler  where  Old  Abe  was  endeverin  to  keep 
the  hungry  pack  of  orfice-seokers  from  chawin  him 
up  alive  without  benefit  of  clergy.  The  minit  he 
reached  the  fire-place  he  jumpt  up,  brusht  the  soot 
out  of  his  eyes,  and  yelled  :  ''  Don't  make  eny  pint- 
ment  at  the  Spunkville  postoffiss  till  you've  read  my 
papers.  All  the  respectful  men  in  our  town  is 
signers  to  that  there  dockyment !  " 

"  Good  God  !  "  cride  Old  Abe,  "  they  cum  upon 
me  from  the  skize  —  down  the  chimneys,  and  from 
the  bowels  of  the  yearth  !  "  He  hadn't  more'n  got 
them  words  out  of  his  delikit  mouth  before  two  fat 
offiss-seekers  from  Wisconsin,  in  endeverin  to  crawl 
atween  his  legs  for  the  purpuss  of  applyin  for  the 
tollgateship  at  Milwawky,  upsot  the  President  eleck 
&  he  would  hev  gone  sprawlin  into  the  fire-place  if 
I  hadn't  caught  him  in  these  arms.     But  I  hadn't 


INTERVIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN,        183 

morn'n  stood  him  up  strate  before  another  man  cum 
crashin  down  the  chimney,  his  head  strikin  me  vi- 
lently  agin  the  inards  and  prostratin  my  voluptoous 
form  onto  the  floor.  "  Mr.  Linkin,"  shoutid  the 
infatooated  being,  "  mj  papers  is  signed  bj  every 
clergyman  in  our  town,  and  likewise  the  skoolmas- 
ter!" 

Sez  I,  ''you  egrejis  ass,"  gittin  up  &  brushin  the 
dust  from  my  eyes,  "  I'll  sign  your  papers  with  this 
bunch  of  bones,  if  you  don't  be  a  little  more  keerful 
how  you  make  my  bread  basket  a  depot  in  the  futer. 
How  do  you  like  that  air  perfumery  ?  "  sez  I,  shuv- 
ing  my  fist  under  his  nose.  "  Them's  the  kind  of 
papers  I'll  giv  you  !  Them's  the  paper's  you 
want !  " 

*'  But  I  workt  hard  for  the  ticket;  I  toiled  night 
and  day  !     The  patrit  should  be  rewarded  !  " 

'' Yirtoo,"  sed  I,  holdin'  the  infatooated  man  by 
the  coat-collar,  ''  virtoo,  sir,  is  its  own  reward. 
Look  at  me  !  "  He  did  look  at  me,  and  qualed  be4 
my  gase.  "  The  fact  is,"  I  continued,  lookin'  round 
on  the  hungry  crowd,  '*  there  is  scacely  a  oflSss  foi 


184        INTERVIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN. 

every  ile  lamp  carrid  round  durin'  this  campane.  1 
^vish  thare  was.  I  wish  thare  was  furrin  missions  to 
be  filled  on  varis  lonely  Islands  where  eppydemics 
rage  incessantly,  and  if  I  was  in  Old  Abe's  place  I'd 
send  every  mother's  son  of  you  to  them.  What  air 
you  here  for?"  I  continnered,  warmin  up  consid- 
erable, ^'  can't  you  giv  Abe  a  minit's  peace  ?  ^  Don't 
you  see  he's  worrid  most  to  death  !  Go  home,  you 
miserable  men,  go  home  &  till  the  sile  !  Go  to  ped 
dlin  tinware  —  go  to  choppin  wood  —  goto  bilin' 
sope  —  stuff  sassengers  —  black  boots  —  git  a  clerk 
ship  on  sum  respectable  manure  cart  —  go  round  as 
original  Swiss  Bell  Ringers  —  becum  'origenal  and 
only'  Campbell  Minstrels  —  go  to  lecturin  at  50  dol- 
lars a  nite  —  imbark  in  the  peanut  bizniss  —  imntt 
for  the  Ledger  —  saw  off  your  legs  and  go  round 
givin  concerts,  with  techin  appeals  to  a  charitable 
public,  printed  on  your  handbills  —  anything  for  a 
honest  living,  but  don't  come  round  here  drivin  Old 
Abe  crazy  by  your  outrajis  cuttings  up  !  Go  home, 
■•^tand  not  upon  the  order  of  your  goin,'  but  go  to 
onct  !     If  in  five  minits  from  this  time,"  sez  I  pul- 


INTERVIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN.        185 

lin'  out  my  new  sixteen  dollar  huntin  cased  watch, 
and  brandishin'  it  before  their  eyes,  "  Ef  in  five 
minits  from  this  time  a  single  sole  of  you  remains 
on  these  here  premises,  I'll  go  out  to  my  cage  near 
by,  and  let  my  Boy  Constructor  loose  !  &  ef  he  gits 
amung  you,  you'll  think  old  Solferino  has  cum  again 
and  no  mistake  ! "  You  ought  to  hev  seen  them 
scamper,  Mr.  Fair.  They  run  orf  as  tho  Satun  his 
self  was  arter  them  with  a  red  hot  ten  pronged 
pitchfork.     In  five  minits  the  premises  was  clear. 

''  How  kin  I  ever  repay  you,  Mr.  Ward,  for  your 
kindness  ?  "  sed  Old  A.be,  advancin  and  shakin  me 
warmly  by  the  hand.  "  How  kin  I  ever  repay  you, 
sir?" 

"  By  givin  the  whole  country  a  good,  sound  ad- 
ministration. By  poerin'  ile  upon  the  troubled  wa- 
turs,  North  and  South.  By  pursooin'  a  patriotic, 
firm,  and  just  course,  and  then  if  any  State  wants 
to  secede,  let  'em  Sesesh  !  " 

"How  'bout  my  Cabinit,  Mister,  Ward?"  sed 
Abe. 

"  Fill  it  up  with  Showmen   sir  !      Showmen  ifl 


l»6        INTERVIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN. 

devoid  of  politics.      Thej  hain't  got  any  principles  ! 
They  know  how  to   cater  for  the  public.      They 

it 

know  what  the  public  wants,  North  &  South 
Showmen,  sir,  is  honest  men.  Ef  you  doubt  their 
literary  ability,  look  at  their  posters,  and  see  small 
bills  !  Ef  you  want  a  Cabinit  as  is  a  Cabinit  fill  it 
up  with  showmen,  but  don't  call  on  me.  The  moral 
wax  figger  perfeshun  musn't  be  permitted  to  go  down 
while  there's  a  drop  of  blood  in  these  vains  !  A. 
Linkin,  !•  wish  you  well!  Ef  Powers  or  Walcutt 
wus  to  pick  out  a  model  for  a  beautiful  man,  I 
scarcely  think  they'd  sculp  you ;  but  ef  you  do  the 
fair  thing  by  your  country  you'll  make  as  putty  a 
angel  as  any  of  us  !  A.  Linkin,  use  the  talents 
which  Nature  has  put  into  you  judishusly  and  firmly, 
and  all  will  be  well !     A.  Linkin,  adoo  ! '' 

He  shook  me  cordyully  by  the  hand  —  we  ex- 
changed picters,  so  we  could  gaze  upon  each  others' 
liniments  when  far  away  from  one  another  —  he  at 
the  helium  of  the  ship  of  State,  and  I  at  the  helium 
of  the  show  bizniss  —  admittance  only  15  cents. 


^ 


"  I  WAS  CEASED  AND  TIED  TO  A  STUMP."    [See  Page  193.] 


THE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATED. 

You  hav  perhaps  wondered  wharebouts  I  was  for 
these  many  dase  gone  and  past.  Perchans  you 
sposed  I'd  gone  to  the  Tomb  of  the  Cappylets,  tho  I 
don't  know  what  those  is.  It's  a  popler  noospaper 
frase. 

Listen  to  my  tail,  and  be  silent  that  ye  may  here 
I've  been  among  the  Seseshers,  a  earnin  my  daily 
peck  by  my  legitimit  perfeshun,  and  havn't  had  no 
time  to  weeld  my  facile  quill  for  *•'  the  Grate  Kom- 
ick  paper,"  if  you'll  alow  me  to  kote  from  your 
troothful  advertisement. 

My  success  was  skaly^  and  I  likewise  had  a  narrer 
scape  of  my  life.  If  what  I've  bin  threw  is  *'  Suth- 
em  hosspitality,"  'bout  which  we've  beam  so  much, 
then  I  feel  bound  to  obsarve  that  they  made  two 
much  of  me.  They  was  altogether  too  lavish  with 
their  attenshuns. 


190  THE  SHOW  IS   CONFISCATED. 

I  went  amung  the  Seseshers  with  no  feelms  of 
annermosity.  I  went  in  my  perfeshernal  capacity. 
I  was  actooated  by  one  of  the  most  Loftiest  desires 
which  can  swell  the  human  Buzzum,  viz  :  —  to  giv 
the  peeple  their  money's  worth,  by  showin  them  Sa- 
gashus  Beests,  and  Wax  Statoots,  which  I  venter  to 
say  air  onsurpast  by  any  other  statoots  anywheres. 
I  will  not  call  that  man  who  sez  my  statoots  is  hum- 
bugs a  lier  and  a  boss  thief,  but  bring  him  be4  me 
and  I'll  wither  him  with  one  of  my  scornful  frowns. 

But  to  proseed  with  my  tail.  In  my  travels 
threw  the  Sonny  South  I  beared  a  heap  of  talk 
about  Seceshon  and  bustin  up  the  Union,  but  I 
didn't  think  it  mounted  to  nothin.  The  politicians 
in  all  the  villages  was  swearin  that  Old  Abe  (some- 
times called  the  Prahayrie  flower)  should^nt  never  be 
noggerated.  They  also  made  fools  of  theirselves  in 
varis  ways,  but  as  they  was  used  to  that  I  didn't 
let  it  worry  me  much,  and  the  Stars  and  Stripes  con- 
tinued for  to  wave  over  my  little  tent.  Moor  over,  I 
was  a  Son  of  Matty  and  a  member  of  several  other 
Temperance  Societies,  and  my  wife  she  was  a  Daw- 


I'HE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATED.  191 

ter  of  Malty,  an  I  sposcd  these  fax  would  secoor  mQ 
tho  inflooiiz  and  pcrtectiun  of  all  the  fust  families. 
Alas  !  I  was  dispinted.  State  arter  State  sescshed 
and  it  growed  hotter  and  hotter  for  the  undersined. 
Things  came  to  a  climbmacks  in  a  small  town  in  Al- 
abamy,  where  I  was  premtorally  ordered  tc  haul 
down  the  Stars  &  Stripes.  A  deppytashun  of  red- 
faced  men  cum  up  to  the  door  of  my  tent  ware  I 
was  standin  takin  money  (the  arternoon  exhibishun 
had  commcnst,  an^  my  Italyun  organist  was  jerkin 
his  sole-stirrin  chimes,)  "  We  air  cum,  Sir,"  said 
a  millingtary  man  in  a  cockt  hat,  "upon  a  hi  and 
holj-v-i^ishun.  The  Southern  Eagle  is  screamin 
threwout  this  sunny  land  —  proudly  and  defiantly 
screamin,  Sir  ! ' 

"  What's  the  matter  with  him,"  sez  I,  '^  don't  his 
vittles  sit  well  on  his  stummick?  " 

"  That  Eagle,  Sir,  will  continner  to  scream  all 
07er  this  Brite  and  tremenjus  land  !  " 

^'  Wall,  let   him  scrua7Ji.      If  your    Eagle   can 
amuse  hisself  by  screamin,  let  him  went !  "     The 
men  anoycd  me  for  I  was  Bizzy  makin  change. 
15 


102  THE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATED. 

"  Wo  are  cum,  Sir,  upon  a  matter  of  dooty —  " 

"  You're  right,  Capting.  It's  every  man's  dooty 
to  visit  jny  show,"  sed  I. 

"  We  air  cum  —  " 

"  And  that's  the  reason  you  are  here-!  "  sez  I, 
larfin  one  of  my  silvery  larfs.  I  thawt  if  he  want- 
ed to  goak  I'd  giv  him  sum  of  my  sparklin  eppy- 
grams. 

''  Sir,  you're  inserlent.  The  plain  question  is, 
will  you  haul  down  the  Star- Spangled  Banner,  and 
hist  the  Southern  flag  !  " 

"  Nary  hist !  "     Those  was  my  reply. 

"  Your  wax  works  and  heests  is  then  confisf  icated, 
&  you  air  arrested  as  a  Spy  !  " 

Sez  I,  "My  fragrant  roses  of  the  Southern  clime 
and  Bloomin  daffodils,  what's  the  price  of  whisky  in 
this  town,  and  how  many  cuhic  feet  of  that  seductive 
flooid  can  you  individooally  hold  ?  " 

They  made  no  reply  to  that,  but  said  my  wax  fig- 
gers  was  confisticated.  I  axed  them  if  tliat  was 
ginerally  the  stile  among  thieves  in  that  country,  to 
which  they  also  made  no  reply,  but  sed  I  was  arrest- 


THE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATED.  198 

ed  as  a  Spy,  and  must  go  to  Montgomrj  in  iuns 
They  was  bj  this  time  jined  bj  a  large  crowd  of 
other  Southern  patrits,  who  commenst  hoUerin 
^'Hang  the  bald-headed  aberlitionist,  and  bust  up 
his  immoral  exhibition  !  "  I  was  ceased  and  tied  to 
a  stump,  and  the  ijrowd  went  for  my  tent  —  that 
water-proof  pavilion,  wherein  instruction  and  amoos- 
ment  had  been  so  muchly  combined,  at  15  cents  per 
head  —  and  tore  it  all  to  pieces.  Meanwhile  dirty 
faced  boys  was  throwin  stuns  and  empty  beer  bot- 
tles at  my  massiv  brow,  and  takin  other  improper 
liberties  with  my  person.  Resistance  was  useless, 
for  a  variety  of  reasons,  as  I  readily  obsarved. 

The  Seseshers  confisticated  my  statoots  by  smash- 
in  them  to  attums.  They  then  went  to  my  money 
box  and  confisticated  all  the  loose  change  therein 
contaned.  They  then  went  and  bust  in  my  cages, 
lettin  all  the  animils  loose,  a  small  but  helthy  ti- 
ger among  the  rest.  This  tiger  has  a  excentric  way 
of  tearin  dogs  to  peaces,  and  I  allers  sposed  from 
his  gineral  conduck  that  he'd  hav  no  hesitashun  in 
eervin  human  beins  in  the  same  way  if  h?  could  git 


194  THE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATE!;. 

at  them.  Excuse  me  if  1  was  crooil,  but  I  larfed 
bojsterruslj  when  I  see  that  tiger  spring  in  among 
the  people.  "Go  it,  my  sweot  cuss!''  I  inardly 
exclaimed,  "  I  forgive  you  for  bitin  off  my  left 
thum  with  all  my  heart !  Rip  'em  up  like  a  bully 
tiger  whose  Lare  has  bin  inwaded  by  Seseshers !  " 

I  can't  say  for  certain  that  the  tiger  serisly  in- 
jured any  of  them,  but  as  he  was  seen  a  few  days 
after,  sum  miles  distant,  with  a  large  and  well  select- 
ed assortment  of  seats  of  trowsis  in  his  mouth,  and 
as  he  lookt  as  tho  he'd  bin  havin  sum  vilent  exercise, 
I  rayther  guess  ho  did.  You  will  therefore  perceive 
that  they  didn't  confisticate  him  much. 

I  was  carrid  to  Montgomry  in  iuns  and  placed  in 
durans  vial.  The  jail  was  a  ornery  edifiss,  but  the 
table  was  librally  surplied  with  Bakin  an  Cabbidge. 
This  was  a  good  variety,  for  when  I  didn't  hanker 
after  Bakin  I  could  help  myself  to  the  caboige. 

I  had  nobody  to  talk  to  nor  nothin  to  talk  about, 
howsever,  and  I  was  very  lonely,  specially  on  tlie 
first  day  ;  so  when  the  jailer  parst  my  lonely  sell  I 
put  the  few  stray  hairs  on  the  back  part  of  my  hod 


THE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATED.  196 

(I'm  bald  now,  but  thare  was  a  timp  when  I  wore 
sweet  auburn  ringlets)  into  as  dish-hevild  a  state  asi 
possible,  &  rollin  my  eyes  like  a  manyyuck,  I  cride : 
"  Stay,  jaler,  stay  !  I  am  not  mad  but  soon  shall  be 
if  you  don't  bring  me  suthin  to  Talk  !  "  He  brung 
me  sum  noospapers,  for  which  I  thanked  him  kindly. 

At  larst  I  got  a  interview  with  Jeflferson  Davis, 
the  President  of  the  Southern  Conthieveracy.  He 
was  quite  perlite,  and  axed  me  to  sit  down  and  state 
my  case.  I  did  it,  when  he  larfed  and  said  his  gal- 
lunt  men  had  been  a  little  2  enthoosiastic  in  confis- 
ticatin  my  show. 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  ''  they  confisticated  me  too  muchly, 
I  had  sum  bosses  confisticated  in  the  same  way  onct, 
but  the  confisticaters  air  now  poundin  stun  in  the 
States  Prison  in  Injinnapylus." 

''  Wall,  wall,  Mister  Wa^,  you  air  at  liberty  to 
depart;  you  air  frendly  to  the  South,  I  know. 
Even  now  we  hav  manv  frens  in  the  North,  who 
sympathise  with  us,  and  won't  mingle  with  this 
fight." 

*'  J   Davis,  there's  your  grate  mistaik.     Many  of 
15* 


196  THE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATED. 

us  was  jour  sincere  frends,  and  thought  certin  par- 
tics  amutig  us  was  fussin  about  you  and  mcddlin 
with  your  consarns  intirely  too  much.  But  «). 
Davis,  the  minit  you  fire  a  gun  at  the  piece  of  dry- 
goods  called  the  Star-Spangled  Banner,  the  North 
gits  up  and  rises  en  massy,  in  defence  of  that  ban- 
ner. Not  agin  you  as  individooals,  —  not  agin  the 
South  even — but  to  save  the  flag.  We  should  in- 
deed be  weak  in  the  knees,  unsound  in  the  heart, 
milk-white  in  the  liver,  and  soft  in  the  hed,  if  we 
stood  quietly  by  and  saw  this  glorus  Govyment 
smashed  to  pieces,  either  by  a  furrin  or  a  intestine  foe 
The  gentle-harted  mother  hates  to  take  her  naughty 
child  across  her  knee,  but  she  knows  it  is  her  dooty 
to  do  it.  So  we  shall  hate  to  whip  the  naughty 
South,  but  we  must  do  it  if  you  don't  make  back 
tracks  at  onct,  and  we  shall  wallup  you  out  of  your 
boots  !  J.  Davis,  it  is  my  decided  opinion  that  the 
Sonny  South  is  makin  a  egrejus  mutton-hed  of 
herself!" 

"  Go  on,  sir,  you're  safe  enuff.  You're  too  small 
powder  for  me !  "  sed  the  President  of  the  Southern 
Conthieveracy. 


THE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATED.  197 

'•'  Wait  till  I  go  home  and  start  out  the  Bald- 
in  svill  Mounted  Hoss  Cavalry !  I'm  Cap  ting  o^ 
that  Corpse,  I  am,  and  J.  Davis,  beware  !  Jeffer- 
son D.,  I  now  leave  you  !  Farewell  my  gay  Saler 
Boy  !  Good  bye,  my  bold  buccaneer !  Pirut  of 
the  deep  blue  sea,  adoo  !    adoo !  " 

My  tower  threw  the  Southern  Conthieveracy  on 
my  way  home  was  thrillin  enuff  for  yeller  covers. 
It  Avill  form  the  subjeck  of  my  next.  Betsy  Jane 
and  the  progeny  air  well. 

Yours  respectively, 

A.  Ward. 


THRILLING  SCENES  IN  DIXIE. 

I  had  a  narrer  scape  from  the  sonny  South. 
*  The  swings  and  arrers  of  outrajus  fortin,"  alluded 
to  bj  Hamlick,  warn't  nothin  in  comparison  to  my 
trubles.  I  come  pesky  near  swearin  sum  profane 
oaths  more'n  onct,  but  I  hope  I  didn't  do  it,  for  I've 
promist  she  whose  name  shall  be  nameless  (except 
that  her  initials  is  Betsy  J.)  that  I'll  jine  the 
Meetin  House  at  Baldinsville,  jest  as  soon  as  I  can 
scrape  money  enufF  together  so  I  can  'ford  to  be 
piuss  in  good  stile,  like  my  welthy  nabers.  But 
if  I'm  confisticated  agin  I'm  fraid  I  shall  continner 
on  in  my  present  benited  state  for  sum  time. 

I  figgered  consplcyusly  in  many  thrillin  scenes  in 
my  tower  from  Montgomry  to  luj  humsted,  and  on 
sevril  occasions  I  thought  "  the  grate  komick  paper  " 
would' ut  be  inriched  no  more  with  my  lubrications. 


THKILLING  SCENES  IN  DIXIE.  199 

Arter  biddin  adoo  to  Jeiferson  D.  I  started  for  the 
depot.  I  saAV  a  nigger  sittin  on  a  fence  a-plajin  on 
a  banjo.  "  My  Afrikan  Brother,"  sed  I,  coting 
from  a  Track  I  onct  red,  "  you  belong  to  a  very  in- 
teresting race.  Your  masters  is  going  to  war  ex 
clcosively  on  your  account.'' 

"  Yes,  boss,"  he  replied,  ''an'  I  wish  'em  honor- 
able graves  !  "  and  he  went  on  playin  the  banjo,  lar- 
fin  all  over  and  openin  his  mouth  wide  enufF  to  drive 
in  an  old-fashioned  2  wheeled  chaise. 

The  train  of  cars  in  which  I  was  to  trust  my  wal- 
krable  life  was  the  scaliest,  rickytiest  look  in  lot  of 
consarns  that  I  ever  saw  on  wiieels  afore.  "  What 
time  does  this  string  of  second-hand  coffins  leave?  " 
I  inquired  of  the  depot  master.  He  sed  direckly, 
and  I  went  in  &  sot  down.  I  hadn't  more'n  fairly 
squatted  afore  a  dark  lookin  man  w^ith  a  swinister  ex- 
pression onto  his  countenance  entered  the  cars,  and 
lookin  very  sharp  at  me,  he  axed  what  was  my  prin- 
ciples ? 

"  Secesh  !  "  I  ansered.  "  I'm  a  Dissolutcr.  I'm 
in  favor  of   Jeff  Davis,  Bowregard,  Pickens,  Capt. 


200  THRILLING  SCENES  IN  DLXIE. 

Kidd,    Bloobeard,    Munro  Edards,  the  devil,   Mrs. 
Cunningham  and  all  the  rest  of  'em." 

"  You're  in  favor  of  the  war  ?  " 

"  Certinglj.  Bj  all  means.  I'm  in  favor  of  this 
war  and  also  of  the  next  war.  I've  been  in  favor 
of  the  next  war  for  over  sixteen  years  !  " 

*'  War  to  the  knive  !  "  sed  the  lAan. 

*'  Blud,  Eargo,  blud  !  "  sed  I,  tho  them  words 
isn't  origgernil  with  me.  Them  words  was  rit  by 
Shakspeare,  who  is  ded.  His  mantle  fell  onto  the- 
author  of  *'  The  Seven  Sisters,"  who's  goin  to  hav  a 
Spring  overcoat  made  out  of  it. 

We  got  under  way  at  larst,  an'  proceeded  on  our 
jerney  at  about  the  rate  of  speed  which  is  ginrally 
obsarved  by  properly-conducted  funeral  processions. 
A  hansum  yung  gal,  with  a  red  musketer  bar  on  the 
back  side  of  her  hed,  zjid  a  sassy  little  black  hat 
tiptover  her  forrerd,  sot  in  the  seat  with  me.  She 
wore  a  little  Sesesh  flag  pin'd  onto  her  hat,  and  she 
was  a  gom  for  to  see  her  troo  love,  who  had  jined 
the  Southern  army,  all  so  bold  and  gay.  So  she 
told  mo.  She  was  chilly  and  I  offered  her  my 
blanket. 


THRILLING  SCENES  IN  DIXIE,  201 

"  Father  livin  ?  "  I  axed. 

"  Yes  sir." 

"  Got  any  Uncles  ?  "      . 

'^  A  heap.     Uncle  Thomas  is  ded,  the." 

^^  Peace  to  Uncle  Thomas's  ashes,  and  success  to 
him  !  I  will  be  your  Uncle  Thomas  !  Lean  on  mo 
my  pretty  Secesher,  and  linger  in  Blissful  repose  ! '' 
She  slept  as  secoorly  as  in  her  own  housen,  and 
didn't  disturb  the  solium  stillness  of  the  night  with 
'ary  snore  ! 

At  the  first  station  a  troop  of  Sojers  entered  the 
cars  and  inquired  if  ''  Old  Wax  Works  "  was  on 
bored.  That  was  the  disrespectiv  stile  in  which 
they  referred  to  me.  "  Becawz  if  Old  Wax  Works 
is  on  bored,"  sez  a  man  with  a  face  like  a  double- 
brested  lobster,  "  we're  going  to  hang  Old  Wax 
Works !  " 

"  My  illustrious  and  patriotic  Bummers  !  "  sez  I, 
a  gittin  up  and  takin  orf  my  Shappo,  ''  if  you  al- 
lude to  A.  Ward,  it's  my  pleasin  dooty  to  inform 
you  that  he's  ded.  He  saw  the  error  of  his  ways 
at  15  minits  parst  2  yesterday,  and  stabbed  hisself 


202  THRILLING  SCENES  IN  DDCIE. 

with  a  stuffed  sled-stake,  dyin  in  five  beautiful  tab- 
loos  to  slow  moosic !  His  larst  words  was :  'My 
perfeshernal  career  is  over  !  I  jerk  no  more  ! '  " 

"  And  who  be  you?" 

"I'm  a  stoodent  in  Senator  Benjamin's  law  offiss. 
I'm  going  up  North  to  steal  some  spoons  and  things 
for  the  Southern  A.rmy." 

This  was  satisfactry  and  the  intossicated  troopers 
went  orf  At  the  next  station  the  pretty  little  Se- 
cesher  awoke  and  sed  she  must  git  out  there.  I  bid 
her  a  kind  adoo  and  giv  her  sum  pervisions.  '*  Ac- 
cept my  blessin  and  this  hunk  of  gingerbred  !  "  I 
sed.  She  thankt  me  muchly  and  tript  galy  away. 
There's  considerable  human  nater  in  a  man,  and  I'm 
fraid  I  shall  allers  giv  aid  and  comfort  to  the  enemy 
if  he  cums  to  me  in  the  shape  of  a  nice  young  gal. 

At  the  next  station  I  didn't  get  orf  so  easy.  I 
was  dragged  out  of  the  cars  and  rolled  in  the  mud 
for  several  minits,  for  the  purpose  of  "  takin  the 
conseet  out  of  me,'*  as  a  Secesher  kindly  stated. 

I  was  let  up  finally,  when  a  powerful  large  Se- 
cesher camo  up  and  embraced  me,  and  to  show  that 


THRILLING  SCENES  IN  DIXIE.  203 

he  bad  no  hard  feelins  agin  me,  piit  his  nose  into 
my  mouth.  I  returned  the  compliment  by  placin 
my  stummick  suddenly  agin  his  right  foot,  when  he 
kindly  made  a  spittoon  of  his  able-bodied  face.  Ac- 
tooated  by  a  desire  to  see  whether  the  Secesher  had 
I  in  vaxinated  I  then  fastened  my  teeth  onto  his  left 
coat-sleeve  and  tore  it  to  the  shoulder.  We  then 
vilently  bunted  our  heads  together  for  a  few  minits, 
danced  around  a  little,  and  sot  down  in  a  mud  pud- 
dle. We  riz  to  our  feet  agin  &  by  a  sudden  and 
adroit  movement  I  placed  my  left  eye  agin  the  Se- 
aesher's  fist.  We  then  rushed  into  each  other's 
arms  and  fell  under  a  two-boss  wagon.  I  was  very 
much  exhaustid  and  didn't  care  about  gettin  up  agin, 
but  the  man  said  he  reckoned  I'd  better,  and  I  con- 
clooded  I  would.  He  pulled  mie  up,  but  I  hadn't  bin 
on  my  feet  more'n  two  seconds  afore  the  ground  flew 
'  up  and  hit  me  in  the  <iied.  The  crowd  sed  it  waa 
..high  old  sport,  but  I  couldn't  zackly  see  where  tho 
lafture  come  in.  I  riz  and  we  embraced  agin.  We 
careered  madly  to  a  steep  bank,  when  I  got  the  up- 
per hands  of  my  antaggernist  and  threw  him  into 
16 


204  THRILLING  SCENES  IN  DIXIE. 

the  raveen.  He  fell  about  forty  feet,  striking  a 
grindstone  pretty  hard.  I  understood  he  was  injur- 
ed.    I  haven't  heard  from  the  grindstone. 

A  man  in  a  cockt  hat  cum  up  and  sed  he  felt  as 
though  a  apology  was  doo  me.  There  was  a  mis- 
take. The  crowd  had  taken  me  for  another  man ! 
I  told  him  not  to  mention  it,  and  axed  him  if  hia 
wife  and  little  ones  was  so  as  to  be  about,  and  got  on 
bored  the  train,  which  had  stopped  at  that  station 
"  20  minits  for  refreshments."  I  got  all  I  wantid. 
It  was  the  hartiest  meal  I  ever  et. 

I  was  rid  on  a  rale  the  next  day,  a  bunch  of  blazin 
fire  crackers  bein  tied  to  my  coat  tales.  It  was  a 
fine  spectycal  in  a  dramatic  pint  of  view,  but  I  didn't 
enjoy  it.  I  had  other  adventers  of  a  startlin  kind, 
but  why  continner  ?  Why  lasseraxe  the  Public  Boo- 
zum  with  these  here  things  ?  Suflfysit  to  say  I  got 
across  Mason  &  Dixie's  line  safe  at  last.  I  made 
tracks  for  my  humsted,  but  she  to  whom  I'm  harnist 
for  life  failed  to  recognize,  in  the  emashiated  bein 
who  stood  before  her,  the  gushin  youth  of  forty-six 
summers  who  had  left  her  only  a  few  months  afore. 


THRILLING  SCENES  IN  DIXIE.  20ft 

But  I  went  into  the  pantry,  and  brought  out  a  cer- 
tin  hlack  bottle.  Kaisin  it  to  my  lips,  I  sed  "  Here's 
to  yoU;  old  gal !  "  I  did  it  so  natral  that  she  know- 
ed  me  at  once.  *'  Those  form  !  Them  voice  !  That 
natral  stile  of  doin  things  !  'Tis  he  !  "  she  cried, 
and  rushed  into  my  arms.  It  was  too  much  for  her 
&  she  fell  into  a  swoon.  I  cum  very  near  swound- 
in  myself 

No  more  to-day  from  yours  for  the  Pepetration 
of  the  Union,  and  the  bringin  of  the  Goddess  of 
Liberty  out  of  her  present  bad  fix. 


FOURTH  OF  JULY  OKATION 

DELIVERED  JULY  4tH,  AT   WEATHERSFIELD,  CONNEC 
TICUT,  1859. 

[T  delivered  the  follerin,  about  two  years  ago,  to  a  lai'ge  and 
discriminating  awjince.  I  was  9G  minits  passin  a  given  pint.  1 
have  revised  the  orashun,  and  added  sum  things  which  makes  it 
approposser  to  the  times  than  it  otherwise  would  be.  I  have  also 
corrected  the  grammers  and  punktooated  it.  I  do  my  own  punk- 
tooatin  now  days.  The  printers  in  Vanity  Fair  offiss  can't 
punktooate  worth  a  cent.] 

Feller  Citizens  :  I've  bin  honored  -with  a  invite 
to  norate  before  you  to-day ;  and  when  I  say  that  I 
dkuTcely  feel  ekal  to  the  task,  I'm  sure  you  will  be- 
lieve me. 

Weathersfield  is  justly  celebrated  for  her  onyins 
and  patritism  the  world  over,  and  to  be  axed  to 
paws  and  address  you  on  this,  my  fust  perfeshcrnal 
tower  threw  New  Englan,  causes  me  to  feel  —  to 
feel  —  I  may  say  it  causes  me  to  feel.  (Grate  ap- 
plaws.     They  thought  this  was  one  of  my  eccen 


PiccoLOMiNi  IN  THE  "  CiiiLD  OF  THE  Regiment."      [Se^c  Page 
130.] 


FOURTH  OF  JULY  ORATION.  209 

tricities,  while  the  fact  is  I  was  stuck.  This  be- 
tween you  and  I.) 

I'm  a  plane  man.  I  don't  know  nothin  about  no 
ded  languages  and  am  a  little  shaky  on  livin  ones. 
There4,  expect  no  flowry  talk  from  me.  What  I 
shall  say  will  be  to  the  pint,  right  strate  out. 

I'm  not  a  politician  and  my  other  habits  air  good. 
I've  no  enemys  to  reward,  nor  friends  to  sponge. 
But  I'm  a  Union  man.  I  luv  the  Union  —  it  is  a 
Big  thing  —  and  it  makes  my  hart  bleed  to  see  a 
lot  of  ornery  peple  a-movin  heaven  —  no,  not  hea- 
ven, but  the  other  place  —  and  earth,  to  bust  it  up. 
Too  much  good  blud  was  spilt  in  courtin  and  marryin 
thathily  respectable  female  the  Goddess  of  Liberty, 
to  git  a  divorce  from  her  now.  My  own  State  of 
Injianny  is  celebrated  for  unhitchin  marrid  peple 
witii  neatness  and  dispatch,  but  you  can't  git  a 
divorce  from  the  Goddess  up  there.  Not  by  no 
means.  The  old  gal  has  behaved  herself  too  well  to 
cast  her  off  now.  I'm  sorry  the  picters  don't  give 
her  no  shoes  or  stockins,  but  the  band  of  stars  upon 
her  bed  must  continner  to  shine  undimd,  forever. 


210  FOURTH  OF  JULY  ORATION. 

I'me  for  the  Union  as  she  air.  and  whithered  bo  the 
arm  of  every  ornery  cuss  ^Yho  attempts  to  bust  her 
up.  That's  me.  I  hav  sed !  [It  was  a  very 
sweaty  day,  and  at  this  pint  of  the  orashun  a  man 
fell  down  with  sunstroke.  I  told  the  iwjince  that 
considerin  the  large  number  of  putty  gals  present 
I  was  more  fraid  of  a  dawter  stroke.  This  was 
impromptoo,  and  seemed  to  amoose  them  very  much.] 
Feller  Citizens  —  I  hain't  got  time  to  notis  the 
growth  of  Ameriky  frum  the  time  when  the  May- 
flowers cum  over  in  the  Pilgrim  and  brawt  Plymmuth 
Rock  with  them,  but  every  skool  boy  nose  our 
kareer  has  bin  tremenjis.  You  will  excuse  me  if  I 
don't  prase  the  erly  settlers  of  the  Kolonies.  Peple 
which  hung  idiotic  old  wimin  for  witches,  burnt 
holes  in  Quakers'  tongues  and  consined  their  feller 
critters  to  the  trcdmill  -and  pillery  on  the  slitest 
provocashun  may  hav  bin  very  nice  folks  in  their 
way,  but  I  must  confess  I  don't  admire  their  stile, 
and  will  pass  them  by.  I  spose  they  ment  well,  and 
BO,  in  the  novel  and  techin  langwidge  of  the  nuse- 
papers,    '  peas  to  their  ashis."     Thare  was  no  dia- 


FOURTH  OF  JULY  ORATION.  211 

kount,  however,  on  them  brave  men  who  fit,  bled 
and  died  in  the  American  Revolushun.  We  needn't 
be  afraid  of  setting  'em  up  two  steep.  Like  my 
show,  they  will  stand  any  amount  of  prase.  G. 
Washington  was  abowt  the  best  man  this  world  ever 
sot  eyes  on.  He  was  a  clear-heded,  warm-harted. 
and  stiddy  goin  man.  He  never  slopt  over  !  The 
prevailin  weakness  of  most  public  men  is  to  SLOP 
OVER  !  [Put  them  words  in  large  letters  —  A. 
W.]  They  git  filled  up  and  slop.  They  Rush 
Tilings.  They  travel  too  much  on  the  high  presher 
principle.  They  git  on  to  the  fust  poplar  hobby- 
hoss  whitch  trots  along,  not  carin  a  sent  whether  the 
T)eest  is  even  goin,  clear  sited  and  sound  or  spavined, 
blind  and  bawky.  Of  course  they  git  thro  wed 
eventooually,  if  not  sooner.  When  they  see  the 
multitood  goin  it  blind  they  go  Pel  Mel  with  it, 
instid  of  exertin  theirselves  to  set  it  right.  They 
can't  see  that  the  crowd  which  is  now  bearin  them 
triumfuntly  on  its  shoulders  will  soon  diskiver  its 
error  ani  cast  them  into  the  boss  pond  of  Oblivyun, 
vrithout  the  slitesD  hesitashun.     W^ushlngton  never 


212  FOURTH  OF  JULY  ORATION. 

Blopt  over.  That  wasn't  George's  stile.  He  luvcd 
his  country  dearlj.  He  wasn't  after  the  spiles.  He 
was  a  human  angil  in  a  3  kornerd  hat  and  kneo 
britches,  and  we  shan't  see  his  like  right  awaj.  Mj 
frends,  we  can't  all  be  Washington's,  but  we  kin  all 
be  patrits  &  behave  ourselves  in  a  human  and  a 
Christian  manner.  When  we  see  a  brother  goin 
down  hill  to  Ruin  let  us  not  give  him  a  push,  but 
let  us  seeze  rite  hold  of  his  coat-tails  and  draw  him 
back  to  Morality. 

Imagine  G.  Washington  and  P.  Henry  in  the 
character  of  seseshers  I  As  well  fancy  John  Bun- 
yan  and  Dr.  Watts  in  spangled  tites,  doin  the  tra- 
peze in  a  one-horse  circus  ! 

I  tell  you,  feller-citizens,  it  would  have  bin  ten 
dollars  in  Jeff  Davis's  pocket  if  he'd  never  bin  born  ! 

**         *         *         *         *         *         * 

Be  shure  and  vote  at  leest  once  at  all  elecshuns. 
Buckle  on  yer  Armer  and  go  to  the  Poles.  See 
two  it  that  your  naber  is  there.  See  that  the 
kripples  air  provided  with  carriages.  Go  to  the 
poles  and  stay  all  day.     Bewair  of  the  mfamous 


FOURTH  OP  JULY  ORATION.  213 

lise  "wliitcli  the  Opposisbun  will  be  sartin  to  git  up 
fur  perlitical  effek  on  the  eve  of  cleckshun.  To  tlio 
poles  !  and  when  you  git  tbere  vote  jest  as  you  darn 
please.  This  is  a  privilege  we  all  persess,  and  it  is 
1  of  tbe  booties  of  this  grate  and  free  land. 

I  see  mutch  to  admire  in  New  Englan.  Your 
gals  in  particklar  air  abowt  as  snug  bilt  peaces  of 
Calliker  as  I  ever  saw.  They  air  fully  equal  to  the 
cora  fed  gals  of  Ohio  and  Ijijianny,  and  will  make 
the  bestest  kind  of  wives.  It  sets  my  Buzzum  on 
fire  to  look  at  'em. 

Be  still,  my  sole,  be  still, 
&  you.  Hart,  stop  cuttin  up  ! 

I  like  your  skool  houses,  your  meetin  houses,  your 
enterprise,  gumpshun  &c.,  but  your  favorit  Bevridge 
I  disgust.  I  allude  to  New  England  Rum.  It  is 
wuss  nor  the  korn  whisky  of  Injianny,  which  eats 
threw  stone  jugs  &  will  turn  the  stummuck  of  the 
most  shiftliss  Hog.  I  seldom  seek  consolashun  in  the 
flowin  Bole,  but  tother  day  I  wurrid  down  some  of 
your  Bum.  The  fust  glass  indused  me  to  sM'are 
like  a  infooriated  trooper.      On  takin  the  secund 


214  FOURTH  OF  JULY  ORATION. 

glass  I  was  seezed  with  a  desire  to  break  winders, 
&  arter  imbibin  the  third  glass  I  knocht  a  small  boy 
down,  pickt  his  pocket  of  a  New  York  Ledger,  and 
wildly  commenced  readin  Sylvanus  Kobb's  last  Tail. 
Its  drefFul  stuff —  a  sort  of  lickwid  litenin,  gut  up 
under  the  personal  supervishun  of  the  devil  —  tears 
men's  inards  all  to  peaces  and  makes  their  noses 
blossum  as  the  Lobster.  Shun  it  as  you  would  a 
wild  hyeny  with  a  fire  brand  tied  to  his  tale,  and 
while  you  air  abowt  it  you  will  do  a  first  rate  thing 
for  yourself  and  everybody  abowt  you  by  shunnin 
dll  kinds  of  intoxicatin  lickers.  You  don't  need  'em 
no  more'n  a  cat  needs  2  tales,  sayin  nothin  abowt 
the  trubble  and  sufferin  they  cawse.  But  unless 
your  inards  air  cast  iron,  avoid  New  Englan's 
favorite  Bevrige. 

My  frends,  I'm  dun.  I  tear  myself  away  from 
you  with  tears  in  my  eyes  &  a  pleasant  oder  of 
Onyins  abowt  my  close.  In  the  langwidgo  of 
l\uster  Catterline  to  the  Rummuns,  I  go,  but  p:^r 
haps  I  shall  cum  back  agin.  Adoo,  peple  of  Weth- 
ersfield.     Be  virtoous  &  you'll  be  happy  ! 


Joe  Stackpole  says  he  can  lick  the  Seceshers  in  a  fair 
STAND-UP  FIGHT.    [See  Page  218.] 


THE  WAR  FEVER  IN  BALDINSVILLE. 

As  soon  as  I'd  recooperated  my  phjsikil  system,  I 
went  over  into  the  village.  The  peasantry  was  glad 
to  see  me.  The  skoolmaster  sed  it  was  cheerin  to 
see  that  gigantic  intelleck  among  'em  onct  more. 
That's  what  he  called  me.  I  like  the  skoolmaster, 
and  allers  send  him  tobacker  when  I'm  off  on  a  trav- 
elin  campane.  Besides,  he  is  a  very  sensible  man. 
Such  men  must  be  encouraged. 

They  don't  git  news  very  fast  in  Baldinsville,  aa 
nothin  but  a  plank  road  runs  in  there  twice  a  week, 
and  that's  very  much  out  of  repair.  So  my  nabers 
wasn't  much  posted  up  in  regard  to  the  wars, 
'Squire  Baxter  sed  he'd  voted  the  dimicratic  ticket 
for  goin  on  forty  year,  and  the  war  was  a  dam  black 
republican  lie.  Jo.  Stackpole,  who  kills  hogs  for 
the  'Squire,  and  has  got  a  powerful  muscle  into  hia 


218  THE  WAR  FEVER  IN  BALDINSVILLE. 

arms,  sed  he'd  bet  $5  he  could  lick  the  Crisis  in  a 
fair  stand-up  fight,  if  he  wouldn't  draw  a  knife  on 
him.  So  it  went  —  sum  was  for  war,  and  sum  was 
for  peace.  The  skoolmaster,  however,  sed  the  Slave 
Oligarkj  must  cower  at  the  feet  of  the  North  ere  a 
year  had  flowed  bj,  or  pass  over  his  dead  corpse. 
*'  Esto  perpetua  !  "  he  added  !  "And  sine  qua  non 
also !  "  sed  I,  sternly,  wishing  to  make  a  impression 
onto  the  villagers.  "  Requiescat  in  pace  !  "  sed  the 
schoolmaster.  "  Too  troo,  too  troo  !  "  I^anserd,''  it's 
a  scanderlus  fact !  " 

The  newspapers  got  along  at  last,  chock  full  of 
war,  and  the  patriotic  fever  fairly  bust  out  in  Bald- 
insville.  'Squire  Baxter  sed  he  didn't  believe  in 
Coercion,  not  one  of  'em,  and  could  prove  by  a  file 
of  Eagles  of  Liberty  in  his  garrit,  that  it  was  all 
a  Whig  lie,  got  up  to  raise  the  price  of  whisky  and 
destroy  our  other  liberties.  But  the  old  'Squire  got 
putty  riley,  when  he  heard  how  the  rebels  was  cut- 
tin  up,  and  he  sed  he  reckoned  he  should  skour  up 
his  old  muskit  and  do  a  little  square  fitin  for  the  Old 
Flag,  which  had  allers  bin  on  the  ticket  he'd  voted 


THE  WAR  FEVER  IN  BALDI15rSVILLE.  219 

and  he  was  too  old  to  Bolt  now.  The  'Squire  is  all 
right  at  heart,  but  it  takes  longer  for  him  to  fill  his 
venerable  Biler  with  steam  than  it  used  to  when  he 
was  young  and  frLsky.  As  I  previously  informed 
you,  I  am  Captin  of  the  Baldinsville  Company.  I 
riz  grpdooally  but  majesticly  from  drummer's  Secre- 
tary io  ruy  p\esent  position.  But  I  found  the  ranks 
wasn't  full  by  no  means,  and  commenced  for  to  re- 
croot.  Havin  notist  a  gineral  desire  on  the  part  of 
young  men  who  are  into  the  Crisis  to  wear  eppylits, 
C  detarmined  to  have  my  company  composed  excloo- 
eively  of  offissers,  everybody  to  rank  as  Brigadeer- 
Qinral.  The  follerin  was  among  the  varis  questions 
which  I  put  to  recroots  : 

Do  you  know  a  masked  battery  from  a  hunk  of 
gingerbread  ? 

Do  you  know  a  eppylit  from  a  piece  of  chalk  ? 

If  1  trust  you  with  a  real  gun,  how  many  men  of 
your  own  company  do  you  speck  you  can  manage  to 
kill  durin  the  war  ? 

Hav  you  ever  heard  of  Ginral  Price  of  Missouri 
and  can  you  avoid  simler  accidents  in  case  of  a  bat- 
tle? 27 


220  THE  WAR  FEVER  IN  BALDINSVILLE. 

ILiv  jou  ever  had  the  measles,  and  if  so,  how 
many  ? 

How  air  jou  now  ? 

Show  me  your  tongue,  &c.,  &c.  Sum  of  tho 
questions  was  sarcusstical. 

The  company  filled  up  rapid,  and  last  Sunday  we 
went  to  the  meetin  house  in  full  uniform.  I  had  a 
seris  time  gittin  into  my  military  harness,  as  it  was 
bilt  for  me  many  years  ago ;  but  I  finally  got  inside 
of  it,  tho'  it  fitted  me  putty  clost. .  Howsever,  onct 
into  it,  I  lookt  fine  —  in  fact,  aw-inspirin.  "  Do 
you  know  me,  Mrs  Ward?  "  sed  I  walkin  into  the 
kitchin. 

^'  Know  you,  you  old  fool  ?     Of  course  I  da  ' 

I  saw  at  once  she  did. 

I  started  for  the  meetin  house,  and  I'm  afraid  I 
tried  to  walk  too  strate,  for  I  cum  very  near  fallin 
over  backards ;  and  in  attemptin  to  recover  myself, 
my  sword  got  mixed  up  with  my  legs,  and  I  fell  in 
among  a  choice  collection  of  young  ladies,  who  was 
standin  near  the  church  door  a-seein  the  sojer  boys 
come  up .     My  cockt  hat  fell  off,  and  sumhow  my 


THE  WAR  FEVER  IN  BALDINSVILLE.  2iil 

coat  tales  ^ot  twisted  round  my  neck.  The  young 
ladies  put  their  handkerchers  to  their  mouths  and 
remarked:  "  Te  he,"  while  my  ancient  female  sin- 
gle friend,  Sary  Peasley,  bust  out  into  a  loud  larf. 
She  exercised  her  mouth  so  vilently  that  her  new 
false  teeth  fell  out  onto  the  ground. 

"  Miss  Peaseley,"  sed  I,  gittin  up  and  dustin  my- 
self, "you  ftiust  be  more  careful  with  them  store 
teeth  of  your'n  or  you'll  have  to  gum  it  agin  !  " 

Methinks  I  had  her. 

I'd  bin  to  work  hard  all  the  week,  and  I  felt  rath- 
er snoozy.  I'm  'fraid  I  did  git  half  asleep,  for  on 
hearin  the  minister  ask,  "  Why  was  man  made  to 
mourn?  "  I  sed,  "  I  giv  it  up,"  havin  a  vague  idee 
that  it  was  a  condrum.  It  was  a  onfortnit  remark, 
for  the  whole  meetin  house  lookt  at  me  with  mingled 
surprise  and  indignation.  I  was  about  risin  to  a  pint 
of  order,  when  it  suddenly  occurd  to  me  whare  I 
was,  and  I  kept  my  seat,  blushin  like  the  red,  red 
rose  —  so  to  speak. 

The  next  mornin  I  'rose  with  the  lark  (N.  B.  — 
I  don't  sleep  with  the  lark,  tho'.     A  goak.) 

My  little  dawter  was  execootin  ballids,  accom- 


222  THE  WAR  FEVER  IN  BALDIN8VILLE. 

panyin  herself  with  the  Akordeon,  and  she  Vfisht 
me  to  linger  and  hear  her  sing:  "  Hark  I  hear  a 
angel  singin,  a  angel  now  is  onto  the  wing." 

"  Let  him  fly,  my  child  !  "  said  I,  a-bucklin  an 
my  armer.  "  I  must  forth  to  my  Biz." 

We  air  progressin  pretty  well  with  our  drill.  As 
all  air  commandin  oflSssers,  there  ain't  no  jelusy; 
and  as  we  air  all  exceedin  smart,  it  t'aint  worth 
while  to  try  to  outstrip  each  other.  The  idee  of  a 
company  composed  excloosively  of  Commanders-in- 
Chiefs,  orriggernated,  I  spose  I  skurcely  need  say, 
in  these  Brane.  Considered  as  a  idee,  I  flatter  my- 
self it  is  putty  hefty.  We've  got  all  the  tackticks 
at  our  tongs'  ends,  but  what  we  particly  excel  in  is 
restin  muskits.     We  can  rest  muskits  with  anybody. 

Our  corpse  will  do  its  dooty.  We  go  to  the  aid 
of  Columby  —  we  fight  for  the  stars ! 

We'll  be  chopt  into  sassige  meat  before  we'll  ex- 
hibit our  coat-tales  to  the  foe. 

We'll  fight  till  there's  nothin  left  of  us  but  our 
little  toeSj  and  even  they  shall  defiantly  wiggle  ! 
"  Ever  of  thee/' 

A  Ward 


INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  PRINCE  NAPOLEON. 

Notwithstandin  I  haint  writ  much  for  the  papers 
of  late,  nobody  needn't  flatter  theirselves  that  the 
undersined  is  ded.  On  the  contrj,  "  I  still  live," 
which  words  was' spoken  by  Danyil  Webster,  who 
was  a  able  man.  Even  the  old-line  whigs  of  Bos- 
ton will  admit  that.  Webster  is  ded  now,  howsever, 
and  his  mantle  has  probly  fallen  into  the  hands  of 
sum  dealer  in  2nd  hand  close,  who  can't  sell  it. 
Leastways  nobody  pears  to  be  goin  round  wearin  it 
to  any  perticler  extent,  now  days.  The  rigiment  of 
whom  I  was  kurnel,  finerly  concluded  they  was  bet- 
ter adapted  as  Home  Gards,  which  accounts  for  your 
not  hearin  of  me,  ear  this,  where  the  hauls  is  the  thick- 
est and  where  the  cannon  doth  roar.  But  as  a  Ameri- 
can citizen  I  shall  never  cease  to  admire  the  master- 
ly advance  our  troops  made  on  W-^hington  from  Bull 
17* 


224       INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  PRINCE  NAPOLEON. 

Run,  a  short  time  ago.  It  was  well  dun.  I  spoke 
to  my  wife  'bout  it  at  the  time.  My  wife  sed  it  was 
well  dun. 

It  havin  thero4  bin  detarmined  to  pertcct  Bald- 
insville  at  all  hazzuds,  and  as  there  was  no  appre- 
hensions of  any  immejit  danger,  I  thought  I  would 
go  orf  onto  a  pleasure  tower.  Accordinly  I  put  on 
a  clean  Biled  Shirt  and  started  for  Washinton.  I 
went  there  to  see  the  Prints  Napoleon,  and  not  to 
see  the  place,  which  I  will  here  take  occasion  to  dS- 
sarve  is  about  as  uninterestin  a  locality  as  there  is 
this  side  of  J.  Davis's  future  home,  if  he  ever  does 
die,  and  where  I  reckon  they'll  make  it  so  warm  for 
him  that  he  will  si  for  his  summer  close.  It  is  easy 
enough  to  see  why  a  man  goes  to  the  poor  house  or 
the  penitentiary.  It's  becawz  he  can't  help  it.  But 
why  he  should  woluntarily  go  and  live  in  Washin- 
ton, is  intirely  beyond  my  comprehension,  and  I 
can't  say  no  fairer  nor  that. 

I  put  up  to  a  leadin  hotel  I  saw  the  landlord 
and  sed,  "  How  d'ye  do,  Square  ?  " 

'*  Fifty  cents,  sir"  was  his  reply. 


INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  PRINCE  N.4P0LE0N.      225 

"Sir?" 

"  Half-a-dollar.  We  charge  twenty-five  cents  for 
lookin  at  the  landlord  and  fifty  cents  for  speakin  to 
him.  If  you  want  supper,  a  boy  will  show  you  to 
the  dinin  room  for  twenty-five  cents.  Your  room  be- 
in  in  the  tenth  story,  it  will  cost  you  a  dollar  to  be 
shown  up  there." 

"  How  much  do  you  ax  a  man  for  breathin  in  this 
equinomikal  tarvun  ?  "  sed  I. 

''  Ten  cents  a  Breth,"  was  his  reply. 

Washinton  hotels  is  very  reasonable  in  their 
charges.     [N.  B. — This  is  Sarkassum.] 

I  sent  up  my  keerd  to  the  Prints,  and  was  imme- 
jitly  ushered  before  him.  He  received  me  kindly, 
and  axed  me  to  sit  down. 

"  I  hav  cum  to  pay  my  respecks  to  you,  Mister 
Napoleon,  hopin  I  see  you  hale  and  harty." 

"  I  am  quite  well,"  he  sed.  "  Air  you  well, 
sir?" 

^'  Sound  as  a  ciiss  !  "     I  answerd. 

He  seemed  to  be  pleased  with  my  ways,  and  we 
entered  into  conversation  to  onct. 


226       INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  PRINCE  NAPOLEON 

''How's  Lewis?"  I  axed,  and  he  sed  the  Em- 
peror was  well.  Eugeny  was  likewise  well,  he  sed. 
Then  I  axed  him  was  Lewis  a  good  provider?  did 
he  cum  home  arlj  nites  ?  did  he  perfoom  her  bed- 
room at  a  onseasonable  hour  with  gin  and  tanzy  ? 
Did  he  go  to  "  the  Lodge "  on  nites  when  there 
wasn't  any  Lodge  ?  did  he  often  hav  to  go  down 
town  to  meet  a  friend  ?  did  he  hav  a  extensiv  ac- 
quaintance among  poor  young  widders  whose  hus- 
bands w^as  in  Californy  ?  to  all  of  which  questions 
the  Prints  perlitely  replide,  givin  me  to  understan 
that  the  Emperor  was  behavin  well. 

"  I  ax  these  questions,  my  royal  duke  and  most 
noble  bigness  and  imperials,  becaws  I'm  anxious  to 
know  how  he  stands  as  a  man.  I  know  he's  smar)^. 
He  is  cunnin,  he  is  long-heded,  he  is  deep  —  he  is 
grate.  But  onless  he  is  good  he'll  come  down  with 
a  crash  one  of  these  days  and  the  Bonyparts  will  bo 
Bustid  up  agin.     Bet  yer  life  !  " 

"  Air  you  a  preacher,  sir  ?  "  he  inquired,  slitely 
earkasticul. 

"  No,  sir.     But  I  bleeve  in  morality.     I  likewise 


INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  PRINCE  NAPOLEON.         227 

Ueeve  in  Meetin  Houses.  Show  me  a  place  where 
there  isn't  any  Meetin  Souses  and  where  preachers 
is  never  seen,  and  I'll  show  you  a  place  where  old 
hats  air  stuffed  into  broken  winders,  where  the  children 
air  dirty  and  ragged,  where  gates  have  no  hinges, 
where  the  wimin  are  slipshod,  and  where  maps  of 
the  devil's  "wild  land"  air  painted  upon  men's 
shirt-bosums  with  tobacco-jooce !  That's  what  I'll 
show  you.  Let  us  consider  what  the  preachers  do 
for  us  before  we  aboose  'em." 

He  sed  he  didn't  mean  to  aboose  the  clergy.  Not 
at  all,  and  he  was  happy' to  see  that  I  was  interest- 
ed in  the  Bonypart  family. 

"  It's  a  grate  family,"  sed  I.  "  But  they  scoop- 
ed the  old  man  in." 

''How,  sir?" 

'"'  Napoleon  the  Grand.  The  Britishers  scooped 
mm  at  Waterloo.  He  wanted  to  do  too  much,  and 
he  did  it !  They  scooped  him  in  at  Waterloo,  and 
he  subsekently  died  at  St.  Heleny  !  There's  where 
the  gratest  military  man  this  world  ever  projuced 
pegged  out.     It  was  rather  hard  to  consine  such  a 


228         INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  PRINCE  NAPOLEON. 

man  as  him  to  St.  Heleny,  to  spend  his  larst  days  in 
catchin  mackeril,  and  walkin  up  and  down  the 
dreary  beach  in  a  military  cloak  drawn  titely  round 
him,  (see  picter-books),  but  so  it  was.  '  Hed  of  the 
Army ! '  Them  was  his  larst  words.  So  he  had 
bin.  He  was  grate  !  Don't  I  wish  we  had  a  pair 
of  his  old  boots  to  command  sum  of  our  Brigades  !  '* 

This  pleased  Jerome,  and  he  took  me  warmly  by 
the  hand. 

"  Alexander  ^the  Grate' was  punkins,".  I  contin- 
nered,  but  Napoleon  was  punkinser !  Alio,  wept 
becaws  there  was  no  more  worlds  to  seoop,  and  then 
took  to  drinkin.  He  drowndid  his  sorrers  in  the 
flowin  bole,  and  the  flowin  bole  was  too  much  for 
him.  It  ginerally  is.  He  undertook  to  give  a 
snake  exhibition  in  his  boots,  but  it  killed  him. 
That  was  a  bad  joke  on  Alio  !  " 

'•  Since  you  air  so  solicitous  about  France  and  the 
Emperor,  may  I  ask  you  how  your  osm  country  is 
getting  along  ?  "  sed  Jerome,  in  a  pleasant  voice. 

"  It's  mixed,"  I  sed.  "  But  I  think  we  shall 
cum  out  all  right." 


INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  PRINCE  NAPOLEON.        22& 

^'  Columbus,  when  he  diskivered  .this  magnificent 
continent,  could  hav  had  no  idee  of  the  grandeur  it 
would  one  day  assoom,"  sed  the  Prints. 

It  cost  Columbus  twenty  thousand  dollars  to  fit 
out  his  explorin  expedition,"  sed  I.  ''If  he  had 
bin  a  sensible  man  he'd  hav  put  the  money  in  a  boss 
railroad  or  a  gas  company,  and  left  this  magnificent 
continent  to  intelligent  savages,  who  when  they  got 
hold  of  a  good  thing  knew  enufF  to  keep  it,  and  who 
wouldn't  hav  seceded,  nor  rebelled,  nor  knockt  Lib- 
erty in  the  bed  with  a  slungshot.  Columbus  wasn't 
much  of  a  feller,  after  all.  It  would  hav  bin  money 
in  my  pocket  if  he'd  staid  to  home.  Chris,  ment 
well,  but  he  put  his  foot  in  it  when  he  saled  for 
America." 

We  talked  sum  more  about  matters  and  things,  and 
at  larst  I  riz  to  go.  ''I  will  now  say  good  bye  to 
you,  noble  sir,  and  good  luck  to  you.  Likewise  the 
same  to  Clotildy.  Also  to  the  gorgeous  persons 
which  compose  your  soot.  If  the  Emperor's  boy 
don't  like  livin  at  the  Tooleries,  when  he  gits  older, 
and  would  like  to  imbark  in  the  show  bizniss,  let 


230     INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  PRINCE  NAPOLEON. 

him  come  with  me  and  I'll  make  a  man  of  him. 
You  find  us  sumwhat  mixed,  as  I  before  obsarved, 
but  come  again  next  year  and  you'll  find  us  clearer 
nor  ever.  The  American  Eagle  has  lived  too 
sumptuously  of  late  —  his  stummic  becum  foul,  and 
he's  takin  a  slite  emetic.  That's  all.  We're  gettin 
ready  to  strike  a  big  blow  and  a  sure  one.  When 
we  do  strike  the  fur  will  fly  and  secession  will  be  in 
the  hands  of  the  undertaker,  sheeted  for  so  deep  a 
grave  that  nothin  short  of  Gabriel's  trombone  will 
ever  awaken  it !  Mind  what  I  say.  You've  heard 
the  showman !  " 

Then  advisin  him  to  keep  away  from  the  Peter 
Funk  auctions  of  the  East,  and  the  proprietors  of 
comer-lots  in  the  West,  I  bid  him  farewell,  and 
went  away. 

There  was  a  levee  at  Senator  What's-his-name's, 
and  I  thought  I'd  jine  in  the  festivities  for  a  spell. 
Who  should  I  see  but  she  that  was  Sarah  Watkins, 
now  the  wife  of  our  Congresser,  trippin  in  the 
dance,  dressed  up  to  kill  in  her  store  close.  Sarah's 
father  use  to  keep  a  little  grosery  store  in  our  town. 


INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  PRINCE  NAPOLEON        231 

and  she  used  to  clerk  it  for  him  in.  busy  times.  I 
was  rushin  up  to  shake  hands  with  her  when  she 
turned  on  her  heel,  and  tossin  her  hed  in  a  con- 
temptooious  manner,  walked  away  from  me  very 
rapid.  "  Hallo,  Sal,''  I  hollered,  *'  can't  you  meas- 
ure me  a  quart  of  them  best  melasses  ?  I  may  want 
a  codfish,  also  !  "  I  guess  this  reminded  her  of  the 
little  red  store,  and  "  the  days  of  her  happy  child- 
hood." 

But  I  fell  in  with  a  nice  little  gal  after  that,  who 
was  much  sweeter  than  Sally's  father's  melasses,  and 
I  axed  her  if  we  shouldn't  glide  in  the  messy 
dance.     She  sed  we  should,  and  we  Glode. 

I  intended  to  make  this  letter  very  seris,  but  a 
few  goaks  may  have  accidentally  crept  in.  Never 
mind.  Besides,  I  think  it  improves  a  komick  paper 
to  publish  a  goak  once  in  a  while. 

Yours  Muchly, 

WARD,  (Artemus.) 


18 


MISCELLANEOUS 


MARION: 

A  ROMANCE  OP  THE  FRilNCH  SCHOOL. 
I. 

,  Friday, ,  1860. 

On  the  sad  sea  shore  !  Always  to  hear  the  moan- 
mg  of  these  dismal  waves  ! 

Listen.  I  will  tell  you  my  story  —  my  story  of 
love,  of  misery,  of  black  despair. 

I  am  a  moral  Frenchman. 

She  whom  I  adore,  whom  I  adore  still,  is  the  wife 
of  a  fat  Marquis  —  a  lop-eared,  blear-eyed,  greasy 
Marquis.  A  man  without  soul.  A  man  without 
sentiment,  who  cares  naught  for  moonlight  and  mu- 
sic. A  low,  practical  man,  who  piys  his  debts.  I 
bate  him. 

18* 


£36  M /IRION    A  ROMANCE 

11. 

She,  my  sours  delight,  my  empress,  my  angel,  is 
superbly  beautiful.  , 

I  loved  her  at  first  sight  —  devotedly,  madly. 

She  dashed  past  me  in  her  coupd.  I  saw  her  but 
a  moment  —  perhaps  only  an  instant  —  but  she  took 
me  captive  then  and  there,  forevermore. 

Forevermore  ! 

I  followed  her,  after  that,  wherever  she  went. 
At  length  she  came  to  notice,  to  smile  upon  me 
My  motto  was  eii  avant !  That  is  a  French  word 
I  got  it  out  of  the  back  part  of  Worcester's  Die 
tionary. 

III. 

She  wrote  me  that  I  might  come  and  see  her  at 
lier  own  house.  Oh,  joy,  joy  unutterable,  to  see 
her  at  her  own  house  ! 

I  went  to  see  her  after  nightfall,  in  the  soft  moon- 
light. 

She  came  down  the  graveled  walk  to  meet  me,  on 


MARION  <    A  ROMANCE  237 

this  beautiful  midsummer  night — ^came  to  me  in 
pure  white,  her  golden  hair  in  splendid  disorder  — 
strangely  beautiful,  yet  in  tears  ! 

She  told  me  her  fresh  grievances. 

The  Marquis,  always  a  despot,  had  latterly  mis- 
used her  most  vilely. 

That  very  morning,  at  breakfast,  he  had  cursed 
the  fishballs  and  sneered  at  the  pickled  onions. 

She  is  a  good  cook.  The  neighbors  will  tell  you 
so.  And  to  be  told  by  the  base  Marquis  —  a  man 
who,  previous  to  his  marriage,  had  lived  at  the  cheap 
eating-houses  —  to  be  told  by  him  that  her  manner 
of  frying  fishballs  was  a  failure  —  it  was  too  much. 

Her  tears  fell  fast.  I  too  wept.  I  mixed  my 
sobs  with  her'n.     "  Fly  with  me!  "  I  cried. 

Her  lips  met  mine.  I  held  her  in  *  my  arms.  I 
felt  her  breath  upon  my  cheek !     It  was  Hunkey. 

"  Fly  with  me.  To  New  York !  I  will  write 
romances  for  the  Sunday  papers  —  real  French  ro- 
nances,  with  morals  to  them.  My  style  will  be  ap- 
preciated. Shop  girls  and  young  mercantile  persona 
will  adore  it,  and  I  will  amass  wealth  with  my  ready 
pen. 


288  MAKION  :  A  ROMANCK 

Ere  she  could  reply  —  ere  she  could  articulate  her 
ecstacy,  her  husband,  the  Marquis,  crept  snake- like 
upon  me. 

Shall  I  write  it  ?  He  kicked  me  out  of  the  gar- 
den —  he  kicked  me  into  the  street. 

I  did  not  return.  How  could  I  ?  I,  so  ethereal, 
BO  full  of  soul,  of  sentiment,  of  sparkling  original- 
ity !     He,  so  gross,  so  practical,  so  lop-eared ! 

Had  I  returned,  the  creature  would  have  kicked 
me  again. 

So  I  left  Paris  for  this  place — this  place,  so 
lonely,  so  dismal. 

Ah  me ! 

Oh  dear  ! 

THB  IVIK 


"Home  Guard  Drill."     [See  Page  241.] 


TOUCHING  LETTER  FROM  A  GORY  MEMBER 
OF  TIIE  HOME  GUARD. 

Bkoadway,  Dec.  10,  '61. 

Dear  Father  and  Mother  : 

We  are  getting  along  very  well.  We  mess  at 
Delmonico's.  Do  not  repine  for  your  son.  Some 
must  suffer  for  the  glorious  Stars  and  Stripes,  and 
dear  parents,  why  shouldn't  I  ?  Tell  Mrs.  Skuller 
that  we  do  not  need  the  blankets  she  so  kindly  sent 
to  us,  as  we  bunk  at  the  St.  Nicholas  and  Metropoli- 
tan. What  our  brave  lads  stand  most  in  need  of 
now,  is  Fruit  Cake  and  Waffles.  Do  not  weep  for 
me. 

Henry  Adolphus. 


EAST  SIDE  THEATEICALS. 

The  Broadway  houses  have  given  the  public  im- 
mense quantities  of  'Central  Park,  Seven  Sisters, 
,  Nancy  Sykes  and  J.  Cade.  I  suppose  the  Broad- 
vray  houses  have  done  this  chiefly  because  it  has 
paid  them,  and  so  I  mean  no  disrespect  when  I 
state  that  to  me  the  thing  became  rather  stale.  I 
sighed  for  novelty.  A  man  may  stand  stewed  veal 
for  several  years,  but  banquets  consisting  exclusively 
of  stewed  veal  would  become  uninteresting  after  a 
century  or  so.  A  man  would  want  something  else. 
The  least  particular  man,  it  seems  to  me,  would  do- 
sire  to  have  his  veal  "  biled,"  by  way  of  a  change. 
So  I,  tired  of  the  thread -bare  pieces  at  the  Broad 
way  houses,  went  to  the  East  Side  for  something 
fresh.  I  wanted  to  see  some  libertines  and  brig- 
ands.    I  wanted  to  see  some  cheerful  persons  iden- 


EAST  SIDE   THEATRICALS.  248 

tified  with  the  blacksmith  and  sewing-machine  inter- 
ests triumph  over  those  libertines  and  brigands,  in 
the  most  signal  manner.  I  wanted,  in  short,  to  see 
the  Downfall  of  Vice  and  Triumph  of  Virtue. 
That  was  what  ailed  me.  And  so  I  went  to  the  East 
Side. 

Poor  Jack  Scott  is  gone,  and  Jo.  Kirby  dies  no 
more  on  the  East  Side.  They've  got  the  blood  and 
things  over  there,  but  alas !  they're  deficient  in 
lungs.  The  tragedians  in  the  Bowery  and  Chatham 
street  of  to-day  dont  start  the  shingles  on  the  roof 
as  their  predecessors,  now  cold  and  stiff  in  death, 
used  to  when  they  threw  themselves  upon  their 
knees  at  the  footlights  and  roared  a  redhot  curse  af- 
ter the  lord  who  had  carried  Susan  away,  swearing 
to  never  more  eat  nor  drink  until  the  lord's  vile 
heart  was  torn  from  his  body,  and  ther-rown  to  the 
dorgs  —  rattling  their  knives  against  the  tin  lamps 
and  glaring  upon  the  third  tier  most  fearfully  the 
while. 

Glancing  at  the  spot  where  it  is  said  Senator 
Benjamin  used  to  vend  second-hand  clothes,  and  re- 


244  EAST  SIDE  THEATRICALS 

gretting  that  he  had  not  continued  in  that  compara- 
gively  honorable  vocation  instead  of  sinking  to  his 
present  position  ;  —  wondering  if  Jo.  Kirbj  would 
ever  consent,  if  Jie  were  alive,  to  die  wrapped  up  in 
a  Secession  flag  !  —  gazing  admiringly  upon  the  un- 
ostentatious sign-board  which  is-  suspended  in  front 
of  the  Hon.  Izzy  Lazarus's  tavern;  —  glancing, 
wondering  and  gazing  thus,  I  enter  the  Old  Chat- 
ham theatre.  The  pit  is  full,  but  people  fight  shy 
of  the  boxes. 

The  play  is  about  a  servant-girl,  who  comes  to 
the  metropolis  from  the  agricultural  districts,  in 
short  skirts,  speckled  hose,  and  a  dashing  little 
white  hat,  gaily  decked  with  pretty  pink  ribbons  — 
that  being  the  style  of  dress  invariably  worn  by  ser- 
vant-girls from  the  interior.  She  is  accompanied  by 
a  chaste  young  man  in  a  short-tailed  red  coat,  who, 
being  very  desirous  of  protecting  her  from  the  temp- 
tations of  a  large  city,  naturally  leaves  her  in  the 
street  and  goes  off  somewhere.  Servant-girl  en- 
counters an  elderly  female,  who  seems  to  be  a  very 
nice  sort  of  person  indeed,  but  the  young  man  in  a 


EAST  SIDE  TITEATRICALS.  245 

short-tailed  coat  comes  in  and  thrusts  the  elderly  fe- 
male aside,  calling  her  "  a  vile  hag."  This  pleases 
the  pit,  which  is  ever  true  to  virtue,  and  it  accord- 
ingly cries  ''  Ili  !  hi !  hi !  " 

A  robber  appears.  The  idea  of  a  robber  in  times 
like  these,  is  rather  absurd.  The  most  adroit  robber 
would  eke  out  a  miserable  subsistence  if  he  attempt- 
ed to  follow  his  profession  now-a-days.  1  should 
preftir  to  publish  a  daily  paper  in  Chelsea.  Neverthe- 
less, here  is  a  robber.  He  has  been  playing  poker 
with  his  "dupe,"  but  singularly  enough  the  dupe 
has  won  all  the  money.  This  displeases  the  robber, 
and  it  occurs  to  him  that  he  will  kill  the  dupe.  He 
accordingly  sticks  him.  The  dupe  staggers,  falls, 
saj's  "  Dearest  Eliza  !  "  and  dies.  Cries  of  hi !  hi ! 
111!  "in  the  pit,  while  a  gentleman  with  a  weed  on 
his  hat.  in  the  boxes,  states  that  the  price  of  green 
smelts  is  five  cents  a  quart.  This  announcement  is 
not  favorably  received  by  the  pit,  several  members 
of  which  come  back  at  the  weeded  individual  with 
i-omc  advice  in  regard  to  liquidating  a  long-standing 
account  for  beans  and  other  refreshments  at  an  adja- 
cent restaurant,         ^a 


246  EAST  SIDE  THEATRICALS. 

The  robber  is  seized  with  remorse,  and  says  tlie 
monej  which  he  has  taken  from  the  dupe's  pockets. 
*'  scorches  "  him.  Robber  seeks  refuge  in  a  miser's 
drawing-room,  where  he  stays  for  ''  seven  days.' 
There  is  a  long  chest,  full  of  money  and  diamonds 
in  the  room.  The  chest  is  unlocked,  bat  misers 
very  frequently  go  off  and  leave  long  chests  full  of 
money  unlocked  in  their  drawing  rooms,  for  seven 
days ;  and  this  robber  was  too  much  of  a  gentleman 
to  take  advantage  of  this  particular  miser's  absence. 
By-and-by  the  miser  returns,  when  the  robber 
quietly  kills  him  and  chucks  him  in  the  chest. 
*'  Sleep  with  your  gold,  old  man !  "  says  the  bold 
robber,  as  he  melodramatically  retreats  —  retreats  to 
a  cellar,  where  the  servant  girl  resides.  Finds  that 
she  was  formerly  his  gal,  when  ne  resided  in  the  ru- 
ral districts,  and  regrets  havmg  killed  so  many  pei  • 
sons,  for  if  so  be  he  hadn  t  he  might  marry  her  and 
Bcttlo  down,  whereas  now  he  can't  do  it,  as  he  says 
lie  is  ''unhappy."  But  he  gives  her  a  ring  —  a 
ring  ho  had  stolen  from  the  dupe  -  -  and  flies.  Prcs- 
eutly  the  dupe,  who  has  come  to  life  in  a  singular 


One  of  the  Broadway  "Seven  Sisters."     [See  Page  242.] 


EAST  SIDE  THEATRICALS.  249 

but  eminently  theatrical  manner,  is  brought  into  the 
cellar.  He  discovers  the  ring  upon  the  servant 
girl's  finger — servant  girl  states  that  she  is  inno- 
cent, and  the  dupe,  with  the  remark  that  he  sees  his 
mother,  dies,  this  time  positively  without  reserve. 
Servant  girl  is  taken  to  Newgate,  whither  goes  the 
robber  and  gains  admission  by  informing  the  turn- 
key that  he  is  her  uncle.  Throws  off  his  disguise, 
and  like  a  robber  bold  and  gay,  says  he  is  the  guilty 
party  and  will  save  the  servant  girl.  He  drinks  a 
vial  of  poison,  says  he  sees  his  mother,  and  dies  to 

.  slow  fiddling.  Servant  girl  throws  herself  upon 
him  wildly,  and  the  virtuous  young  party  in  a  short- 
tailed  coat  comes  in  and  assists  in  the  tableau.  Rob- 
ber tells  the  servant  girl  to  take  the  party  in  the 
short-tailed  coat  and  be  happy — repeats  that  he 
sees  his  mother  (they  always  do),  and  dies  again. 

^Cries  of  ''  Hi !  hi  !  hi !  "  and  the  weeded  gentle- 
man reiterates  the  price  of  green  smelts. 

Not  a  remarkably  heavy  plot,  but  quite  as  bulkj 
ftB  the  plots  of  the  Broadway  sensation  pieces. 


SOLILOQUY  OF  A  LOW  TIHEF. 

My  name  is  Jim  Griggins.  Fm  a  low  tliicf 
My  parients  was  ignorant  folks,  and  as  poor  as  the 
shadder  of  a  bean  pole.  My  advantages  for  gettia' 
a  eddycation  was  exceedin'  limited.  I  growcd  up 
in  the  street,  quite  loose  and  pcrmiskis,  you  sec,  and 
took  to  vice  because  I  had  nothing  else  to  take  to, 
and  because  nobody  had  never  given  me  a  sight  at 
virtue. 

I'm  in  the  penitentiary.  I  was  sent  here  onct  be- 
fore for  priggia'a  watch.  I  served  out  my  time,  and 
now  I'm  here  agin,  this  time  for  stcalin'  a  few  in- 
significant clothes. 

I  shall  always  blame  my  parients  for  not  cddyca- 
tin'  me.  Had  I  bin  liberally  cddycated  I  could 
with  my  brilliant  native  talents,  have  bin  a  big 
thief —  I  b'leeve  they  call  'em  defaulters.     Instead 


SOLILOQUY  OF  A  LOW  TIHEP  251 

of  confinin'  myself  to  priggin'  clothes,  watches, 
spoons  and  sich  like,  I  could  have  plundered  princely 
sums —  thousands  and  hundreds  of  thousands  of  dol- 
lars —  and  that  old  humbug,  the  law,  wouldn't  have 
harmed  a  hair  of  my  head  !  For,  you  see,  I  should 
be  smart  enough  to  get  elected  State  Treasurer,  or 
dve  something  to  do  with  Banks  or  Railroads,  and 
perhaps  a  little  of  both.  Then,  you  see,  I  could 
ride  in  my  carriage,  live  in  a  big  house  with  a  free 
stun  frunt,  drive  a  flist  team,  and  drink  as  much  gin 
and  sugar  as  I  wanted.  A  inwestigation  might  be 
made, and  some  of  the  noosepapcrs  might  come  down 
on  me  heavy,  but  what  the  d — 1  would  I  care  about 
that,  havin'  previously  taken  precious  good  care  of 
the  stolen  money?  Besides,  my  "party"  would 
swear  stout  that  I  was  as  innersunt  as  the  new-born 
babe,  and  a  great  many  people  would  wink  very 
pleasant,  and  say,  *'  Well,  Griggins  understands  wnat 
he's  'bout,  HE  does  !  " 

But  havin'  no  eddycation,  I'm  only  a  low  thief — 
a  stealer  of  watches  and  spoons  and  sich  —  a  low 
wretch,  anyhow  —  and  the  Law  puts  me  through 
without  mercy,       ^9* 


252  SOLILOQUY    OF  A  LOW  THIEF. 

It's  all  right,  I  s'pose,  and  yet  I  sometimes  think 
it's  wery  hard  to  bo  shut  up  here,  a  -vvearin 
checkered  clothes,  a  livin'  on  cold  vittles,  a  slecpin' 
on  iron  beds,  a  lookin'  out  upon  the  "world  througli 
iron  muskeeter  bars,  and  poundin'  stun  like  a  galley 
slave  day  after  day,  week  after  week,  and  year  aftei 
year,  w^hile  my  brother  thieves  (for  to  speak  candid, 
there's  no  diiference  between  a  thief  and  a  defaulter, 
cxcej't  that  the  latter  is  forty  times  wuss)  wIjo  havp 
stolen  thousands  of  dollars  to  my  one  cent,  are 
walkin'  out  there  in  the  bright  sunshine — ^dressed 
up  to  kill,  new  clothes  upon  their  backs  and  piles 
of  gold  in  their  pockets  !  But  the  Law  don't  tech 
'era.  They  are  too  big  game  for  the  Law  to  shoot 
at.  It's  as  much  as  the  Law  can  do  to  take  care  of 
us  ignorant  thieves. 

Who  said  there  was  no  difference  'tween  tweedle- 
dum and  tweedledee?  He  lied  in  his  throat,  like  a 
villain  as  he  was !  I  tell  ye  there's  a  tremendous 
difference. 

Oh  that  I  had  been  liberally  cddycated  ! 

Jim  Griggins. 
SlNG-SlNQ,  1860. 


SURRENDER  OF  CORNWALLIS 

It  was  customary  in  many  of  the  inland  towns  of 
New  England,  some  thirty  years  ago,  to  celebrate 
the  anniversary  of  the  surrender  of  Lord  Cornwal- 
lis,  by  a  sham  representation  of  that  important  event 
in  the  history  of  the  Revolutionary  War.  A  town 
meeting  would  be  called,  at  which  a  company  of  men 
would  be  detailed  as  British,  and  a  company  as 
Americans  —  two  leading  citizens  being  selected  to 
represent  Washington  and  Cornwallis  in  the  mimic 
surrender. 

The   pleasant   little  town   of  W ,  in  whose 

schools  the  writer  has  been  repeatedly  "  corrected,'* 
upon  wnose  ponds  he  has  often  skated  ;  upon  wliose 
richest  orchards  he  has,  with  other  juvenile  bandits, 
many  times  dashed  in  the  silent  midnight ;  the  town 
of  W — — ,  where  it  was  popularly  believed  these 


254  SURRENDER  OF   CORNAVALLIS. 

bandits  would  "come\o  a  bad  end,"  resolved  to 
celebrate    the  surrender.      Rival  towns  had  ce"'e- 

brated,  and  W determined  to  eclipse  them  in 

the  most  signal  manner.  It  is  my  privilege  to  tell 
how  W succeeded  in  this  determination. 

The  great  day  came.  It  was  ushered  in  by  the 
roar  of  musketry,  the  ringing  of  the  village  church 
bell,  the  squeaking  of  fifes,  and  the  rattling  of 
drums. 

People  poured  into  the  village  from  all  over  the 

county.     Never  had  W experienced  such  a  jam. 

Never  had  there  been  such  an  onslaught  upon  gin- 
gerbread carts.  Never  had  New  England  rum 
(for  this  was  before  Neal  Dow's  day)  flowed  so  free- 
ly.     And  W 's  fair  daughters,  who  mounted 

the  house-tops  to  see  the  surrender,  had  never  look- 
ed fairer.  The  old  folks  came,  too,  and  among  them 
were  several  war,  scarred  heroes,  who  had  fought 
gallantly  at  Monmouth  and  Yorktown  These  bravo 
sons  of  '76  took  no  part  in  the  demonstration,  but 
an  honored  bench  was  set  apart  for  their  exclusive 
use  on  the  piazza  of  Sile  Smith's  store.     When  ihej 


BURRENDER  OP  CORNWALLIS.  265 

were  dry,  all  they  had  to  do  was  to  sing  ont  to  Sile's 
boy,  Jerry,  *'  a  lectio  New  Englan'  this  way,  ii  you 
please."     It  was  brought  forthwith. 

At  precisely  9  o'clock,  by  the  schoolmaster's  new 
*'Lepeen"  watch,  the  American  and  British  forced 
marched  on  to  the  village  green  and  placed  them- 
selves in  battle  array,  reminding  the  spectator  of 
the  time  when 

••  Brave  WVf  drew  up  his  men 
la  a  style  most  pretty. 
On  the  Plains  of  Abraham 
Before  the  city." 

The  character  of  Washington  had  been  assigned 
to  'Squire  \Yood,  a  well-to-do  and  influential  far- 
mer, while  that  of  Cornwallis  had  been  given  to  the 
village  lawyer,  a  kind-hearted  but  rather  pompous 
person,  whose  name  was  Caleb  Jones.  n>fu^itft.fi  f  tLtSi 

'Squire  Wood,  the  Washington  of  the  occasion, 
had  met  with  many  unexpected  difficulties  in  prepar- 
ing his  forces,  and  in  his  perplexity  he  liad  emptied 
not  only  his  own  canteen  but  those  of  most  of  his 
aids.  The  consequence  was  —  mortifying  as  it  must 
be  to  all  true  Anericans — bluohing  as  I  do  to  tell 


256  SUBRENPFR  OF  CORNWALLIS 

it,  Washinston  at  the  commencement  of  the  mimio 
struggle  was  most  unqualifiedly  drunk. 

The  sham  fight  commenced.  Bang !  bang  !  bang ! 
from  the  Americans  —  hang  !  hang  !  bang !  from  the 
British.  The  bangs  were  kept  hotly  up  unMl  tho 
powder  gave  out,  and  then  came  the  order  to  charge. 
Hundreds  of  wooden  bayonets  flashed  ficrcly  in  the 
sunlight,  each  soldier  taking  very  good  care  not  to 
hit  any  body. 

"  Thaz  (hie)  ri^ht,"  shouted  "Washington,  who 
during  the  shooting  had  been  racing  his  horse  wild- 
ly up  and  down  the  line,  "  thaz  right!  Gin  it  to 
'em  !     Cut  theii-  tarnal  heads  off!  " 

"  On  Romans  !  "  shrieked  Cornwallis,  who  had, 
once  seen  a  theatrical  performance  and  remembered 
the  heroic  appeals  of  the  Thespian  belligerents,  "  on 
to  the  fray !     No  sleep  till  mornin'.'' 

'•  Let  eout  all  their  bowels,"  yelled  Washington, 
''and  down  with  taxation  on  +ea  !  " 

The  fighting  now  ceased,  the  opposing  forces  were 
propoly  arranged,  and  Cornwallis,  dismounting, 
prepared  to  present  his  sword  to  AVashington  accord- 
ing to  programme.     As  he  walked  slowly  towards 


SURRENDER  OF  CORN^VALLIS  257 

tiie  Father  of  His  Countrj  he  rehearsed  the  little 
speech  he  had  committed  for  the  occasion,  ^vhile  tlie 
illustrious  being  who  was  to  hear  it  was  making  dea 
pcrate  efforts  to  keep  in  his  saddle.  Now  he  would 
wildly  brandish  his  sword  and  narrowlj  escape  cut- 
ting off  his  horse's  ears,  and  then  he  would  fall  sud- 
denly forward  on  to  the  steed's  neck,  grasping  the 
man§  as  drowning  men  seize  hold  of  straws.  He 
was  giving  an  inimitable  representation  of  Toodles  on 
norseback.  All  idea  of  the  magnitude  of  the  occa- 
sion had  left  him,  and  when  he  saw  Cornwallis  ap- 
proacliing,  with  slow  and  stately  step,  and  sword- 
hilt  extended  toward  him  he  inquired, 

"  What-'ndevil  you  want,  any  (hie)  how  !  "        y 
"  General  Washington,"  said  Cornwallis,  in  digni- 
fied and  impressive  tones,   "  I  tender  you  my  sward. 
I  need  not  inform  you,  Sir,  how  deeply  — 

The  speech  was  here  cut  suddenly  short  by  Wash- 
ington, .who  driving  the  spurs  into  his  horse,  play- 
fully attempted  to  run  over  the  commander  of  the 
Britiah  forces.  He  was  not  permitted  to  do  this,  for 
his  aidsj  seeing  his  unfortunate  condition,  seized  the 


258  SURRENDER  OF  CORK^Y.U.LIS. 

horse  by  the  bridle,  straightened  Washington  up  in 
liis  saddle,  and  requested  Cornwallis  to  proceed  with 
his  remarks.    . 

"General  Washington,"  said  Cornwallis,  ^'the 
British  Lion  prostrates  himself  at  the  feet  of  the 
American  Eagle  !  " 

"  Eagle?  Eagle  !  "  yelled  the  infuriated  Wash- 
ington, rolling  off  his  horse  and  hitting  Cornwallis 
0  frightful  blow  on  the  head  with  the  flat  of  his 
sword,  "  do  you  call  me  a  Eagle^  you  mean  sneakin' 
cuss  ? "  He  struck  him  again,  sending  him  to  the 
ground,  and  said,  "I'll  learn  you  to  call  me  a  Eagle, 
you  infernal  scoundrel !  " 

Cornwallis  remained  upon  the  ground  only  a  mo- 
ment. Smarting  from  the  blows  he  had  received,  he 
arose  wilh  an  entirely  unlooked  for  recuperation  on 
the  part  of  the  fallen,  and  in  direct  defiance  of  his- 
torical example ;  in  spite  of  the  men  of  both  nations, 
indeed,  he  whipped  the  Immortal  Washington  until 
he  roared  for  mercy. 

The  Americans,  at  first  mortified  and  indignant  at 
the  conduct  of  their  chief,  now  began  to  sympathize 


SURRENDER  CF  CCRNWAXLIS.  259 

with,  him  and  resolved  to  whip  their  tnock  foes  in  ear- 
nest. They  rushed  fiercely  upon  them,  but  the  Brit- 
ish ^Yere  really  the  stronger  party  and  drove  the 
Americans  back.  Not  content  with  this  they  charg- 
ed madly  upon  them  and  drove  them  from  the  field 
—  from  the  village,  in  fact.  There  were  many  heads 
damaged,  eyes  draped  in  mourning,  noses  fractured 
and  legs  lamed  —  it  is  a  wonder  that  no  one  was 
killed  outright. 

-Washington  was  confined  ta  his  house  for  several 
weeks, but  he  recovered  at  last.  For  a  time  there 
was  a  coolness  between  himself  and  Cornwallis,  but 
they  finally  concluded  to  join  the  whole  county  in 
laughing  about  the  surrender. 

They  live  now.  Time,  the  "  artist,"  has  thorough- 
ly white- washed  their  heads, but  they  are  very  jolly 
still.  On  town  meeting  days  the  old  'Squire  always 
rides  down  to  the  village.  In  the  hind  part  of  his 
venerable  yellow  wagon  is  always  a  bunch  of  hay,  os- 
tensibly for  the  old  white  horse,  but  really  to  hide  a 
glass  bottle  from  the  vulgar  gaze.  This  bottle  has  on  one 
side  a  likeness  of  Lafayette, and  upon  the  other  maj  b6 
20      ♦ 


.260  SURRENDER  OF  CORN W  ALUS. 

seen  the  Goddess  of  Liberty.  What  the  bottle  con- 
tains inside  I  cannot  positively  say,  but  it  is  true  that 
'Squire  Wood  and  Lawyer  Jones  visit  that  bottle 
very  frequently  on  town  meeting  days  and  come 
back  looking  quite  red  in  the  fi\ce.  When  this  red- 
ness m  the  face  becomes  of  the  blazing  kind,  as  it 
generally  does  by  the  time  the  polls  close,  a  short 
dialogue  like  this  may  be  heard  : 

"  We   shall  never  play  surrender  again.  Lawyer 
Jones  !  '* 

"  Them  days  is  over,  'Squire  Wood ! " 
And  then  they   laugh  and  jocosely  puncli  each 
other  in  the  ribs. 


THE  WIFE. 

Home  they  brought  her  warrior  deid  : 

She  uor  swooned,  nor  uttered  cry 
All  her  maidens,  watching,  said, 
•*  She  irnist  weop  or  she  will  die  '* 

The  propriety  of  introducing  a  sad  story  like  the 
following,  in  a  book  intended  to  be  rather  cheerful 
in  its  character,  may  be  questioned ;  but  it  so  beauti- 
fully illustrates  the  firmness  of  woman  when  grief 
and  despair  have  taken  possession  of  "  the  chambers 
of  her  heart,",  that  we  cannot  refrain  from  relat- 
ing it. 

Lucy  M loved  with  all  the  ardor  of  a  fond 

and  faithful  wife,  and  when  he  upon  whom  she  had 
so  confidingly  leaned  was  stolen  from  her  by  death, 
her  friends  and  companions  said  Lucy  would  go* 
r^d.     Ah,  how  little  they  knew  her  ! 


262  THE  WIFE. 

Gazing  for  the  last  time  upon  the  claj-cold  features 
of  her  departed  husband,  this  young  widow  — beauti- 
ful oven  in  her  grief:  sO  ethereal  to  look  upon  and 
yd  so  firm  !  —  looking  for  the  last  time  upon  the 
dear,  familiar  face,  now  cold  and  still  in  death  —  Oh, 
looking  for  the  last,  last  time  —  she  rapidly  put  on 
her  bonnet,  and  thus  addressed  the  sJbbing  gentle- 
men who  were  to  act  as  pall-bearers :  "  You  pall- 
bearers jusi;  go  into  the  buttery  and  get  some  rum, 
and  we'll  start  this  man  right  along  I  " 


A  JUVENILE  COMPOSITION. 
ON  THE  ELEPHANT. 

The  Elephant  is  the  most  largest  Annjmile  in  the 
whole  world.  He  eats  hay  and  kakes.  Icou  must 
not  giv  the  Elephant  Tobacker,  becoz  if  you  do  he 
will  stamp  his  grate  big  feet  upon  to  you  and  kill 
you  fatally  Ded.  Some  folks  thinks  the  Elephant  is 
the  most  noblest,  Annymile  in  the  world,  but  as  for 
Me  giv  Me  the  American  Egil  and  the  Stars  & 
Stripes.     Alexander  Pottles  his  Peace. 


SO* 


A  POEM  BY  THE  SAME. 
80ME  VERSES  SUGESTID  BY  2  OF  MY   UNCLES 

Uncle  Simon  he 

Clum  up  a  tree 

To  see  what  he  could  s<^0 

When  presentlee 

Uncle  Jim 

Clum  up  beside  of  him 

And  squatted  do-swi  by  tic 


TH£  END. 


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